Depression Support Group

I'm not completely sure if this is the right forum to post this. But I need some advice in how to get my husband to stop hurting me so.

I have periods of depressions that render me unable to do anything. I also have periods where I'm not depressed, but suffer break downs, anxiety and panick over various small or big things. I also have periods of extreme fatigue, normally coming after a high or a low.

I am currently studying for my degree and volunteering.

Now my husband is really making me feel worse and pushing me closer and closer to the point where I just can't keep it together any more. One of the few things I look forward to in life and that keeps me going, is the thought of having kids. My husband is not ready yet even though he does admit this. My husband also has Anankastic Personality Disorder/OCPD.

While I know having kids right now is not the right time, because of both his and my mental health situation, he is very cruel to me whenever I talk about looking forward to having kids. He keeps saying things like that I won't be able to take care of them, that I won't be able to handle it, that I will make them suffer and that I must be aware that kids are a lot of work and cannot simply be returned. He is pulling away my self-confidence in terms of motherhood.

This might be what he perceives as the truth, even though it's an extreme exaggeration and bending of the truth. I am not that unwell that I will 'make my kids suffer' and I am fully aware of what having kids means as my siblings are 9 and 11 years younger than me and my youngest cousin could be my own child - and I've spent plenty of time looking after them since they were young. And should I need some help during depressions and fatigue, I assume he and my family and friends would be there to help.

He has been pulling at my self-confidence before telling me I'm fat and that he therefore is not attracted to me (I'm slightly overweight only). He has also told me many times that when guys go to me on a night out, they do so because I look like a teenager and because I look easy, even though I always cover up when out. He really tries to make me feel ugly even when I'm slim and has a full head of hair.

My tricotillomania has been bad for the last year. I've had tricho since being a child, but have had it under somewhat control for 7 years - avoided having to use hats and hair bands, but still sometimes pulled all my eyelashes and eye brows off. But due to something my husband did to me it went out of control a year ago and I've had balled patches on my head since. He has now twice told me indirectly that I look ugly and that he is unhappy 'I don't look pretty'. He also believes me tricho is much worse for him than it is for me, because he is the one being seen with me.

It's really breaking me down all these nasty hurtful brutal comments. I've tried to tell him not to speak to me so - which he should understand as he himself is the most over-sensitive person in the world. But whenever I try and let him know the effect of the things he says, he is adamant that he is not doing anything wrong and that he is just telling me the truth. He also accuse me of trying to fight with him.

I'm getting to the point where I am starting to feel so angry and hurt with him that I wanna find a way of hurting him.. Half of him is an absolute jack ass, the other half of him is a good guy.

I have the feeling we can support you well here. But you have other diseases also that not too many would advise you to have children yet. I'm sorry, I see you have HIV..this can be passed to your baby. So please consider not having children yet.

As far as emotional abuse from your HB..there is no excuse for that. But is it from his emotional problems too? It could have a strong affect on him and he knows he more than likely has HIV too , now . Or maybe he gave it to you. It works both ways. This is a very sad situation, I am so sorry ...I wish their were more for me to offer...except just some support...Dont ever let anyone abuse you physically or emotionally..either way its wrong.

Yes, I only agree..you would be wrong to have babies at this time or even the near future...you would have an HIV baby...and thats not fare too your child or to yourself.

Its good to know you are in the other groups to help you also...Blessings Always...

Patty

Post edited by: Peace77, at: 07/16/2012 08:34 AM

You didn't say your age or how long you've been married. I got married at 21 in a time when there were not PSA's for spousal abuse. I did not accept him telling me it was my own fault - which is often the key men open when they have insuficient self awareness. If you are crazy, he can use your conditions to make reasons for anything. My marriage lasted 10 years (actually 8, the other two years where when we were waiting for our lawyers to stop talking at ungodly hourly rate. Fortunately or not, I had two kids when we split, and the federal child support law had not been passed.

Beware. A baby is not going to 'fix' your life. Both times I got pregnant we were in a good place; both kids were very much planned and wanted. If you have a child w/o his agreement, you are bringing an innocent loving child into a world of fighting, yelling, etc. Babies always know if they were wanted. If they aren't, they are treated differently, and they do not feel love pouring in from both parents. The fighting causes many problems for them. All babies and young children are narcissists. The world belongs to them. After all, if they don't cry sometimes someone forgets to feed, changee diapers and just cuddling - which is painful for them. They wnat to be help =and loved, by both parents.

Sorry if this isn't clear. You are welcome to send me a message if I can help you. I do strongly suggest you think very hard before having a baby. You would be bringing him into a war zone. My kids are probably younger then you, but I was a stay at home mom, even for a year after the divorce. I may have been the instigator, but only w/ reading, talking to others I met along the way whose husbands were like mine. He was in the Army when we got married, and after a few months of hell at Ft. Bragg (NC - home of the 82nd something or other. I'm sleepy, but I don't have a good memory, and some doctors made it much worse w/ about 30 meds I didn't need and shouldn't have been given to me.

It costs about $1,000,000 from conception thur college. Think hard on that because theoretically he has to pay. In reality, the judges who make up the standards for what they are supposed to pay. The law did not bring me the 5/6ths of what he didn't pay.

We moved a lot. The Army, his grad school, and finally a place I loved. We bought a house I loved, and in one year he hit his boss.The whold deal was a nightmare, but in some ways I feel that I just don't wake up. I'm not talking about timees like this weekend and slept for the better parts of 48 hours. I live along, and my Teddy Bear loves when I come to bed early.

Seriously, when we had to sell the house, I was crushed. He got a job in NY and we moved to NJ (cheaper than NY). The nights were sick. The kids and I would all but held our breathes waiting to see if the good daddy or the cruel daddy walked in. Most night is was the latter. I held on for two reasons. My father died when I was 3, and I wanted them to be in a loving family environment. But you've not decided to have ornot have, and you're fighting about it already.Trust me, you cannot lock them in the closet when they cry all night, are hungry or anything else they cry for. Remember, crying is the only way they have to tell you something's wrong.

OK. I will finish w/ a short story. When we moved to Jersey in 1977, it became quickly evidently that the job was too much pressure (I knew that before he started.)and his means of dealing w/ pressure was to hit the closest person.I broke him of that by finallly getting up the guts to call the cops. He did not hit me often, and, as I said, I didn't know how much abuse there is. So he'd walk in shourting and about ten minutes into dinner, both the kids and I left the room crying. I finally decided they'd be better off spending a day w/ them on the weekend to living in a war zone. Shortly after our move, I went to the doctor - could have been for anything. My husband came home from work one day and said he got a call from the doctor. The doctor told him I was unbearably depressed, and I needed help. I went to a psychiatrist. I pulled jeand and a sweatshirt from a pile on the floor, didn't brush my hair or put on any make-up and off I went. Literally crying all the way there. We talked for awhile, and made an appointment for two weeks later to discuss meds, which is always hyper-sensitive to me 'cause I can't take almost any. I forgot. I had been living on valium and a painkillr because I had a migraine for two years that just wouldn't let go. A few days after I saw the shrink it hit me - that I was as responsible as he was. As long as I stayed w/ him, he could keep doing whatever hr wanted. and he had me to handle finances and such. He had the last check in the book in his wallet for emergencies and threats of what would happen if he used it and didn't tell me. He made a decent salary, but he also has inheritance checks that came every month. I went to the doctor looking like death barely cooked over. It was obvious that I suffered depression, I'd suffered it off and on since my father died when I was 3.

One morning I woke and realized that this would go on as long as I allowed it to. I decided on the spot that we were going to divorce, my head stoped aching, the haze left my eyes and I did an amazing thing. I smiled. I realized the only way to survive was not being together. Went back to the doc, neatly dressed,made up, hair done, and a smile on my face. He said there had been some change in 2 weeks. I told him my decisin. He said he wouldn't normally recomment divorce as a treatment for depressiion, but in my case it seemed that was the way to go.

I struggled financially, but a psychologist told me he'd seen many people w/ relationship problems, and was divorced 3 times. He said he'd never met anyone to whom he could say what he was going to say to me. He said I would never regret leaving him. And I have lived thru a few dozens of rooms in hell, but I never regretted divorcing him.

In your case, you didn't say if you and/or he is/are in therapy? If not and you can get him to go, that could be helpful. If he won't go, go w/o him. You've got to find help in understanding your relationship, you age, and the other info. I am not a medical anyting, but your marriage sounds like mine in a number of ways, and I suggest you discuss that either w/ a counselor, family doctor, anyone you can trust. I am absolutely not telling you to divorce him, only to think about it and work thru the idea.

Please feel free to post at any time, and if you want to talk offline, send me a pm and I'll get back to you. But med degree or not )actually I have a degree in early childhood ed. I honestly forgot. What I am thinking is that you absolutely have to see if the mariage can work before you have a baby. Being a single parent is hard. I gave them my life and they took away everything I owned when I was in the hospital. And thru their teens the kids would occasionally have a rotten weekend and thank me for divorcing him. My health is fading fast, and my kids will not speak to me or - the worst - took away my 3 angels. So he's doing to them what their father did to me. He's depriving them of love of the kind only a grandmother has, and he's allowing them to grow up w/ someone the oldest got to know and they all love me. We used to take on the phone, and the oldest needed my support. Now I can only wonder. But there's no question that anything would have been different if I stayed w/ him. I lost my christal ball, but from living w/ a man for 8 years and often knowing why people do what they do even when they don't, there is no way those girls are living w/ some form of abuse.

I can only repeat that you discuss this w/ your husband, possibly w/ outside help, and stabilize your marriage before getting pregnant. Straighening is often, sadly, divorce, and from experience, I suggest yo thnk very hard before bring babies into a war zone.

Hope there's something useful. Gotta get back to bed for a little while. I am living on disability, and nobody to care for by myself. Since I can't go out and did the buy on line or TV thing a long time ago. Now if I buy somethng it's because I need, or if it's inexpensive, just something that catches my eye.

Warm welcoming wishes, and please let us know how you are doing. We care.

Peace,

Sylvia

please excuse errors. I can write well, but only when awake. Also lost some of my typing skills and many other things from a med that should never have been in the same room as I.

Good luck, and, again, please let us know how you're doing.

If I were you, I would consider counseling because mental illness is a tough matter. It is very real, and very crippling. But with help and maybe even medication, mental illness isn't a totally hopeless situation without respite.

Hopefully, through counseling, you can talk about what your husband is saying and where he is coming from. A lot of people with mental illness and a lot of people, and I believe that everybody deals with some form of misinterpretation of the situation, distorted thinking, etc., see the world full of misconceptions and they don't function in reality, but fantasy. Your husband could be projecting his insecurities and fears on to you instead of dealing with his issues about having children.

I also understand that having dealing with tricotillomania is difficult and he isn't helping your mental and emotional well-being. I struggle with skin picking and mine has been terrible for a few months now. The compulsion is terrible. But what I've learned with building with self-confidence and self-esteem is that they have very little to do with what other people say or do to us. It is something we build ourselves - it is how we see ourselves that matters.

And you sound like an awesome person. You just need to see that and believe it no matter what your husband or other people might say. Hope you are having a good day!

I also agree with Sylvia. Somebody abuses you verbally once, shame on them. Somebody abuses you verbally twice, shame on you. People will only take you forgranted and abuse you verbally, physically and emotionally as much as you allow them to do so. Try to get some counseling soon. If your marriage is not healthy and your relationship is chaotic and abusive, that will not be a wonderful environment to raise a child. People don't change unless they want to. We can't change anybody, unfortunately.

Do you have the diseases listed on your signature line...like the one that says HIV. This is more serious than ever not to have a baby. For the baby and you. Please read about how this virus is passed to the fetus from the Mom who carries them.

So very important!!! We are here to help you through all the things you deal with . Lots of loving kind support...

Best to you...Please re-consider bringing an Hiv baby in this world to suffer that disease. Just my humble opinion, caring about you...Try to be healthy physically and emotionally before getting pregnant.

I was so depressed after loosing members in my family, my Dr. advised me to not have more children after my first one. And that was just due to severe depression. I couldn't carry anymore babies, almost lost my son..he came 3 weeks early, causing many problems for him. But that was all I could have, and I love him dearly today at 25 yo.

Best to you...let us know how you feel about all of our comments and caring support...

Blessings

Patty

I am seeing a counsellor. I started seeing her a couple of months ago. My husband started seeing a counsellor last week.

And you are right...we need to both be more well before having kids.

Peace77. I am sad that there is still so many misunderstandings regarding HIV. I do understand your concern, but things are a lot different than what you think. If the was a real chance I would pass HIV on to my child there would be no way that I would have children. However any doctor who specializes in HIV, says it is perfectly safe to have children without passing on the virus.

See today the medication is so effective that the HIV viral-load becomes unmeasurable. When this happens, it is near impossible to pass HIV on, whether that be through unprotected sex or mother-to-child. My viral-load has been so low that it can't be measured, for the past 3 years (since 6 months after I started on medication).

A child cannot contract HIV while being in the womb. It can happen during child birth and when breast feeding. As it can happen during child birth it is important that the woman's viral-load is unmeasurable to make the possibility of this happening pretty much impossible. Also, when an HIV positive woman gives birth, it will be done under the supervision of HIV specialists to ensure nothing goes wrong. After birth, the child is put on some medication for a few weeks. There exists a treatment which not many non-HIV positive people know of, which reduces the risk of a person getting HIV with over 80% as long as it is taken shortly after a person has been exposed to HIV.

Also, HIV positive womenn cannot breast-feed.

I'm from Denmark. No HIV positive woman, who is aware that she has HIV and who therefore ensures taking the necessary precautions, has giving her child HIV since 1996 (that's the year HIV medication came out). That's 16 years!

Both HIV specialists in Denmark and in the UK where I now live say that there is no reason why an HIV positive woman shouldn't have children. Also, the life prognoses for someone having HIV is now the same as that for someone with diabetes. But it is expected to increase even more. With the way the medication was in 2006 when I found I have HIV, I should be able to live until I'm in my 60'es. I was 19 when I got HIV. However, all HIV specialists agree that when that time comes, the medication is even better than now, meaning I have any chance to grow as old as anybody else. Things have changed a lot.

Also, my husband is not at danger. We use condom always. And even if it breaks, my low viral-load means it would take more than a miracle for him to get HIV (a bad miracle that is). Also, when becoming pregnant, other quite simply 'do it self' means are used rather than having unprotected sex. If you feel this sounds strange, please contact HIV specialists in your area and they will tell you the same thing.

I have seen many HIV babies...its just something thats very common in the work I did in the past. But maybe things have changed for the better now, I hope they have.

Your specialists wouldn't put you or your future baby in trouble. If that is your choice, after you both seek help for your other disabilities.

Peace always, you have a lot to deal with...take it a day at a time...Bless you always with great mental health and physical health as well...

Patty

I can imagine HIV children were very common in the past. And it probably still is some places where the mothers don't know they have HIV or know but are unwilling/unable to take the necessary precautions in relation to medication, child birth and breast feeding. If someone with HIV fail to take their medication as prescribed, it will not have the right effect and the viral load might not come under complete control. Also, it is easy to become resistant to the medication if someone with HIV often forgets to take his/her medication and he/she might have to change types of medication as a result. Therefore certain vulnerable groups of women will be much more likely to pass HIV on to their children despite the advance in medication and treatment