Depression Support Group

Growing up was so tough, my parents hated me, they constantly told me they wish i was never born, OK i have some good memories with my mom, like going to the beach and her bringing some of my friends but those days weren’t often and usually did not end well .. For me.. My mom was a hitter, and she would hit with her hands, kick OR hit with objects  I was always wrong. I was stupid, I WAS NOT LIKE MY OH SO SMART COUSIN, I’m not complaining that i did not get attention or any of that stuff but i was constantly reminded of how terrible of a person i was. My parents reminded me often that i was a mistake then they would say well actually we wanted a baby just not one like you and “what did we deserve to get a kid like you”.

I resent my parents so much! The things they did to me, the way they made me feel about myself, some of those things are so dug into my head that i still feel that way about myself. I feel like i can never do anything right, and when i make mistakes (which is often) i am so hard on myself, i feel like i cannot please anyone and its so hard. You know, at some point I actually wanted to kill my cousin, i thought she was to blame for the way i was treated. I dragged her down the stairs, held her over the balcony; you know what that got me, a good beating and a visit to the cop station  what a great idea that was right? But can you see how angry I was? My god everything she did or does is still better than me, she got great marks in high school, didn’t party, did not date and definitely didn’t drink( god forbid perfect little Kayla did that)She went to college and didn’t drop out like i did.. she graduated with great marks, shes a nurse, has a good paying job a good boyfriend, they are buying a house and having a baby! Good for her.. im a single mom, i dropped out of college, i am on ODSP (yay me) so yet again everyone sees what a great person she is and how terrible i am. I KNOW THAT I HAVE WORKED HARD to get to where I am, drug free, i don’t drink anymore I AM A DAMN GOOD MOTHER but all they see is a failure and its so hard for me to see the good when they are so negative about my life and my decisions. I know i said “MY life and MY decisions” i know.. but its so hard to see it that way.

My family hates me, not just mom and dad the rest of them do too.. i hear the things they say about me, not to mention the horrible things they have said to my face. I cant ask my family for help and support so I do this ALONE everything I have done to better myself i did alone AND with counsellors. But i need to find support outside of my family and that makes me sad. I used to be able to tell my memere everything and she left me, she left me here with my parents and I turned into a total mess when she died i was so afraid of life, i was alone. I had my uncle Robert who was amazing to me as well.. he passed away too.. maybe they rather leave me anyway.

I did some terrible things in my life, im only 24 and ive been through more than some people will go through in a lifetime. I have had to live with those mistakes for years and will live with them for the rest of my life, you think i like that? I cry ALL the time because of my past, i know i shouldn’t dwell on it but there is so much of it that i still cant really wrap my head around it. I hurt a lot of people, i let people hurt me and i hurt myself. Ive been beaten and raped more than once , people like to hurt me or do i like people hurting me? Do I put myself in those situations, are people right? Did my clothes and attitude attract those types of people, why couldn’t i dress better or different, i slept around a lot, i cant even count how many men and woman i have had a sex with, maybe i deserved all of the things that happened to me. If i had done things differently would it have happened? I don’t think so. There has got to be a reason that i was a punching bag for men, I am so afraid to date because the next guy will do the same thing. I don’t form close relationships with anyone and i don’t trust anyone. Why did i become such a bad person.

After reading what I have written, i am wondering who I hate more.. the people who have hurt me or myself¿ in all honesty i am kind of a hard person to love.. and i don’t love myself.

Dear Mandy

The way you have been treated by your parents , thats who is at fault. I usually wouldn't say that, but from what you told here I'm in tears. I am so very sorry your life has been so cruel to you. Have you ever thought of talking to a minister? You may have lost your faith along this path. But believe me, you will get back on the right track. I am proud of you for not drinking anymore or doing anything else to harm yourself.

You said your a Mom, is it a boy or girl and how old?

This can be your reason for survival, my child was when I was 28 years old in a abusive marriage, but my religion saved me. Well , some I give credit to me too, but he was and still is the captain of my ship I sail daily.

You were neglected and abused emotionally in the worst way. I give no fault to you, you were a child trying to do all you could do. Living up to another is very hard, dont ever feel you need to do this again. Live and take care of you and your child.

I hope you are still seeing someone from a professional view...its so important. Your anger can be handled and your depression as well with medications or just therapy. But in your case, I would consider asking the dr for your obvious depression and more than likely Post traumatic Stress disorder for medication to help you. My son collected Social security until just this month for his own problems. I think with a good testing from the Dr. and all you have said right here, you may be entitled for help through this program, not sure if its the same as the one you mentioned in your post..ODSP , I'm not familiar with at all. Can you post back and let me know what kind of help you get through that program.?

Please remember your self esteem is very low..and you need all the support and love we can give you here. But we are not doctors and I really feel you need some extensive therapy for all you have been through in life.

Give your child a hug often and let her/him know how much you love him...

Sweetie, I wish I could hold you and let you cry it out....I am ashamed of parents to make you feel like you do..honestly , life can be so much better...

Big Gentle hugs and a little Angel for you ..

Patty

terrible traumatic life,I think it's starts with our bad traumatising parents and then we seem to take over the job for them to continue the abuse when we become grown up adult.It's a complicated situation,If you want to talk about it,feel free to become friends with me,I am a London psychologist.It's a wonder you're still alive.

It's not your fault that your parents were abusive, that your larger family don't have the empathy to understand you, or that you seem to attract the wrong sort of people. But in spite of the fact that you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you have had to go through the sort of things no person should have to go through. So don't blame yourself - you are totally justified in your anger at your family and those others who have used and abused you. Best of luck to you. I hope things will improve.

thanks,

yes Patty, I have a Son he is 4 years old and the reason I am alive today, I was raped and beaten and that is how i got pregnant but i dont love my son any less because of that.

ODSP is Ontario Disability Support Programe, its finatial help because at the momment I cannot work.

I was an addict at age 12 and quit drugs at 15 and havent done any since (the reason for the change was because i had got pregnant, continued to do drugs and had a stillborn baby girl.. it really opened my eyes to what i was doing to my life)

I see two counsellors regularely and also my dr every month. I was diagnosed last year with bipolar type 2.. those are my three supports a nd they are amazing. im working on my life right now but im realising i have so much resentment against others.

Mandy ,

Your Support system is great..I'm so happy for you. I know you have a lot resentment for what happened To you in life, but your recovery will help in all of this. Thankfully, you have your child. Your never alone in this world, I pray to a higher power..and your in my prayers always now...

Peace and happiness

Patty

thanks patty for your support, it means alot

Your welcome...BIG HUGS...Keep with us, I will try to start up a word game soon...to help you know you are cared for in every way...Peace to you...Patty

Post edited by: Peace77, at: 05/17/2012 12:23 PM

I am so disgusted with myself, i know all of that stuff happened a long time ago but i have to deal with the memories, the shame, and the hurt everyday and i dont wish this kind of pain on anyone. I have slept with a countless number of people for many different reasons.. the most was when i was 12-15.. i would sleep with men for money and for drugs, WHY?? Because my older boyfriend would beat me if i didnt make him money, he made me sleep with his dad and he watched  that is one of the worst memories i have from those days.. so i resent him ALOT and all of those men that took advantage of a CHILD.

I resent the police who did not help me when they had a chance. For example. I got into a fight with my bf which led me being lost on the streets in toronto wandering alone when an older man stoped by and asked if i needed any help, a place to stay? Drugs? Money? I said yes and he gave me a place to live and drugs in return for sex, he must have been about 40. The police raided his place and there i was sitting there barely any clothes on, super skinny, barely a teenager and you know what the officer said to me? “you better get out of here if you dont want to wind up in jail. I grabed one of the sweaters and left.. back to the streets for a night. I thank god for a really nice lady who helped me that night. She was walking by and i was sitting on the sidewalk in tears wondering what my next move would be, she stopped, sat down beside me (even though she had really nice clothes on and it was raining,) she took her coat off and wrapped it around me because i was soaked. She asked me if i needed help and i would not admit it but she knew.. she walked me into a coffee shop down the street, bought me a coffee to sober me up a bit, then she called to police for help.. anyway i got back to sturgeon after a really rough time at the police station : ( i wish i knew who that lady was so i could have thanked her later. What a wonderful person.

I came across a young girl on the sidewalk on my way home one night and following my instinct i stopped and kneeled down to her and noticed she was full of bruises and a bloody nose, i asked her what had happened and she said her boyfriend had kicked the shit out of her, they went for a drive and he kicked her out of the car (she was from sudbury so she didnt know where to go) i thought she could not be more than 13 years old, i took her home with me she stayed the night, i got in contact with her parents in the morning and they said they didnt want her and that i should keep her. I did.. they sent me money, and came by with her clothes. I enrolled her in school but one day i went to talk to her in her room about skipping school and i noticed very new cuts on her arms and she told me she wanted to kill herself, i knew then that i could not keep her so i called CAS they took her and she is in a great home now and just last year they decided to adopt her and she is so happy, she sends me emails and pictures in the mail and she is so grateful so i am glad i was able to help someone in need, someone that reminded me so much of myself. Anyway, that was my good deed lol

You were an angel to that young girl. Just as the lady who took you to the coffee shop was an angel to you. " Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:1-2 Seems to me that God has something special planned for your future. Keep the faith!