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05/01/2012 05:20 AM

Advice needed

niknak56
 
Posts: 15
Member

I only last week faced up to the fact I need help and I'm due to have my first counselling session on Thursday.

It all came to ahead last Wednesday when I got extremely drunk, said some stuff to my estranged husband about self harm. I've never self harmed in my life previously but that night I made some superficial scratch marks on my arm which are now almost gone.

The following day I realised I had to change. I had been on my own at the time my little boy was at his dads.

I have had an up and down week since and missed one day at work but then went back in to do my job.

Unfortunately one of my colleagues saw the scratches and went to my boss. I should say I am a police officer so weakness is not really accepted.

I did a night shift last night and got ambushed at 4am by two sgts saying they knew everything that had happened last week. I was forced to show them my arms, I was told I had jeopardised my career and custody of my little boy and accused of having an alcohol problem.

I would never put my little boy in danger, I do drink but not everyday and not to the point I'm drunk. I hardly ever go out as I'm on my own juggling shifts with a little boy.

I was forced to talk about issues from 10 years ago when i was raped and had to have an abortion,

The sgts agreed to keep it between the three of us but I will be closely monitored.

The rumours are now flying around work. I know the majority will think I'm a silly girl as that's the attitude of police officers about this kind of thing.

My colleagues don't know about my past they now just see me as a joke.

I have 5 days off work now but I'm already anxious about having to go back. I just dong think I can go in and look people in the eye. My parents live 200 miles and I'm considering resigning and moving in with them to make a fresh start. But leaving my friends behind and my little boy leaving his friends and his dad stops me. I don't know what to do.

I feel do hurt by my estranged husband telling the sgt or telling someone who told him. I had hoped that when I started to get better we could try and make a go of it again but now I don't know.

I have pushed my husband to breaking point with my behaviour and maybe I should just move away and cut ties with him and concentrate on getting better.

Can someone please give me advise, I really really don't know what to do. I'm scared if I stay I will be hindered in my counselling surrounded my memories but if I go I'm scared I will be lonely and I will regret it. [img]

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05/01/2012 03:09 PM
valentin
Posts: 204
Member

Very difficult choices.Maybe you should try and relax,not worry,feel good(as best you can),take full advantage of your free days off,grit your teeth,go back to work and see if things are better or O.K.,if not,you can always choose therapies or running away then.My friend is a police officer,he had a breakdown,then depression and anti-depressants,he is still at work.Feel free to write back.

05/01/2012 09:26 PM
slada
slada  
Posts: 2417
Senior Member

Dear friend NO YOU HAVE TO STAY AND face it,DO NOT BE AFRAID OF YOUR COOWORKER and move because THEY DID NOT DESERVE your tears and YOU DO NOT OWN THE ANYTHING OK?

You have to be strong and I know you are,PLEASE STAY!!!!!!

Look at their eyes and always remember they are ashole and they think they are perfect what A FUCKING BULL SHIT!!!!!!

Look my friend,every time someone hurt you and you don't know how to handle just imagine they are running naked on street and you will laugh!!!!!.......Smile)Smile)Smile)

One nurse told me that at my work when I have hard time with one witch,she was so piss because I come to work with her same job and I am imigrant,but Canadian Citizen,can you imagine how I felt.I was putting my face musk at work and I was crying every day till that nurse tell me what to do.My husband was sick in that time and I didn't have money so I couldn't quit.I was forced to workSad(

So my friend,they expect you to quit,but make them wrong and show your determination and straight!!!!!........You can do it,I know you can!!!!!!

You are STRONG AND WONDERFUL WOMAN,don't let some ashole to put you down!!!!

Fight hon and no matter how life is hard always remember never show them your tears!!!!

Be happy,show them smile even if you want to cry inside!!!!!!!!

People are evil,many of them and they are happy when they see someone down and sad.

You have to be FIGHTER in life and not QUITTER ok!!!!!!!!

They will talk and they will stop because something else will be more interesting for them,so hon NOTHING LAST FOREVER!!!!!!!

AFTER EVERY RAIN COME SUN!!!!!!!!

THEY WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE WHO DON'T LIKE YOU OR ME,WHO CARE,HEAD UP AND WALK PROUD!!!

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME AND DON'T QUIT THEY WAIT FOR THAT MOMENT!!!!!

GOD SEE EVERYTHING AND DON'T BE AFRAID HE IS WITH YOU AND HE IS HOLDING YOUR HANDS,SO YOU WANT FALL!!!!!!

He wants you to stay strong and to fight for yourself,stand for yourself,everybody makes mistake its not shame to fell its shame to not stand up ok!!!!!!!!

I am sending you many hugs from Canada and kisses with positive energy!!!!!

Let me know how you are doing.......love your new friend SladaSmile)Smile)

Post edited by: slada, at: 05/01/2012 09:27 PM


05/01/2012 09:29 PM
slada
slada  
Posts: 2417
Senior Member

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05/01/2012 09:29 PM
slada
slada  
Posts: 2417
Senior Member


05/01/2012 09:33 PM
slada
slada  
Posts: 2417
Senior Member


05/01/2012 09:34 PM
slada
slada  
Posts: 2417
Senior Member

Post edited by: slada, at: 05/01/2012 09:36 PM


05/01/2012 09:38 PM
slada
slada  
Posts: 2417
Senior Member


05/01/2012 11:39 PM
niknak56
 
Posts: 15
Member

Thanks guys, your words have really helped. No rash decisions or knee jerk reaction to the fact I may be gossiped about for a bit.

I am going to be positive, stay strong, enjoy what's left of my rest days and face work holding my head up.

I saw my husband last night, he came round twice to see me. He is so very confused as to whether he wants to give me another chance. He says he loves me but he is too scared I will hurt him again. I can understand that. He started to develop more than friendship feelings for a friend a week ago, she is now telling him she loves him and would never hurt him and he feels they could have a future. He says he doesn't love her and he's not in love with her but there are some feelings there.

He is such a lovely person he is so upset as he doesn't want to hurt either of us and I believe he genuinely doesn't know what to do. He loves me but I've hurt him too much.

But I love him enough to say that he should give it a go with this other woman but maybe one day he will see me better and come back to me. And if he doesn't then it doesn't matter I will be fine, I will stay strong and I will move on

xxxx


05/02/2012 02:09 PM
cutepen
 
Posts: 135
Member

My opinion- LET YOUR HUSBAND GO-- YOU DESERVE BETTER!

First of all you are seeing that you need to get help which is the most important thing. I sounds like you are self medicating with alcohol & any kind of self harm means you need help. You need to do this for yourself & your son. You need to deal with your rape in therapy so you can move on with your life.

It was your husband that told your seargeant about the scratches & created an uncomfortable workplace. He wasn't trying to help you. By doing this, he humiliated you with your coworkers & hurt you. Why aren't you angry about that? Don't leave your job but see that your husband not only betrayed your trust but is putting your relatonship based on your stuff/problems & how you would hurt him again? That sucks.

You do deserve better & someone that will be kind, understanding & RESPECTFUL to you. Let the other woman keep his butt.

You are a courageous & strong woman for what you've been thru & I'm sure you are a fantastic policewoman.

hugs & prayers,

cutepen- Cheryl

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