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04/01/2012 12:12 PM

Feeling influenced by others

Apachetears
Apachetears  
Posts: 28
Member

With my PTSD, Anxiety and Depression, there are times that I feel very influenced by others. Their drama. It seems to influence my decisions and responses. Sometimes I feel it gets out of hand and beyond what my normal reactions would be.

I am wondering if anyone else ever goes through this.

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04/01/2012 05:58 PM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9116
VIP Member

Having anxiety myself, I try not to get too involved in others issues or drama. It usually makes me more anxious or upset. I understand that those with PTSD may react differently, than others who do not have PTSD. Welcome to the group. May you find some understanding and support here. Rachele

04/01/2012 11:04 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Apachetears and welcome to the group. Just depression w/o the other conditions can make us succeptible to 'going w/ the flow' of those around us. One symptom that is very common is low self-esteem. On top of depression, PTSD and a long list of physical problems, I also have, some related to fibro, and some not, and an over the top sixth sense. It took me most of my life to understand that if I feel something very strongly, it doesn't matter if there are a dozen people in a room telling me I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong w/ the heating system (that happened, but only 3 people). The first day I turned off the heat. It had taken the chill out of the air; in under 5 minutes, however, I was incredibly sick. Not gas. Couldn't smell it, and it's really hard to describe, but I KNEW there was someting wrong, and w/ 3 people telling me the utility guy would just laugh at me or be angry for being called for nothing, I made myself put them out of my mind and call - after turning off the heat and opening windows; this was the next day. The guy from the utility company visited w/ our heating system (this was a sort of office complex) for about a half hour he came out looking like my doc on the day I almost died - totally white, all color drained away, and he was shaking. Bottom line: it was carbon monoxide coming out so fast that w/ the heat on for 30-60 minutes, we'd all have been dead. The shaking was apparently because he never heard of a human sensing carbon monoxide and calling for help rather than dying.

If I had gone along w/ the others, we'd all be dead. That wasn't the first time I'd managed to hold my ground, but it became the beacon, and it WAS the first time that I wasn't terrified I was wrong and everybody would laugh at me. Doing what I knew to be right was what I did, and if I'd have been wrong, at least I'd have known. The symptoms were simply too much to resist asking for help.

Re 'normal reactions', took me a very long time to find a counselor I could work w/. Looking back, I think part of the problem was that my over-developed senses allow me to sort of read between the spoken lines, and it didn't take sometimes one visit, sometimes a few more for me to know if a new counselor would be of help to me. My overly developed senses are often very frightening, and dozens of counselors of every kind telling me I was out of my mind was not particularly helpful. My mother doing that was half the reason I tried to ignore what I knew couldn't be ignored - and I didn't even have to pay her.

Looking back, I think the day w/ the heater problem was when I finally decided I didn't much care what anyone else said, even if that someone else was a boss or someone w/ other 'power' over me, I would still go w/ what I felt to be right. Since I've never been wrong, I realized that I do not have to explain myself to anyone else, I did not have to listen to them telling me I'm crazy (my standard reply is 'maybe, but there's still...')and doing what I knew had to be done.

The sensitivities, unfortunately, keep me from being able to have almost any meds. So I've overcome some of the self-esteem issue by following my own feelings, always remembering the guy from the utility company telling me that no other human in history (maybe a minor exaggeration?) had sensed a problem w/ carbon monoxide, and that gives me the confidence to take on anyone trying to stop me from going w/ what I know is right.

In spite of that, because my brain chemicals have been screwed up since I was 3, and not being able to take any kind of antidepressant, and only one not all that effective painkiller, added to the conditions of my life, it's unlikely that I will be able to control the depression or any of the often out of control pain issues. But I've never met anyone w/ a system as bizarre as mine. Most people can find the right meds and helpful counselors, tho w/ each, it might take a few tries.

Sorry for the rants. My depression level is worse than it's ever been, and I've suffered w/ it since I was 3. I think part of what's making it worse is losing my kids and their kids, losing everything on earth that mattered to me. How do I replace dozens of letters from friends no longer living? Or all the things my girls made for me that he had to gall to take back. All family items including the very few reminders I had of

my father's. All letters, notes, etc., I got when my mother died. Even the document I'd need to prove I was eligible for the law of return if I went to Israel. And they coldn't have known what it was; it was all in biblical Hebrew.

Again, I am sorry. The next DSM (the book used for diagnosing mental problems) is going to have a new condition - like PTSD, but for those who, like me, can't get over things that will never be over. It's over 3 years and I still remember once every week or two something that's not here. He also took over 4000 pictures - my history, not his. And I'm sure he has no idea who most of the people are, not to mention anyone who could tell him, besides me, and I don't know all of them) is dead.

The last thing in this mess is that I've obviousy lost my children, and I've no idea why they are so angry w/ me. They grew up w/ all of us laughing around the dining room table. My daughter and I were so close that at the age of about 20 she was not embarrassed to walk around Harvard Square holding my hand because she's a fast walker, and I'm not, so she'd keep losing me. It's 15 years since she began to write me off. She has a son I've never seen. The only pic I ever got of him was an FU, My ex (who'd beat the shit out of her on a visitation when she was 4 and about whom they'd complain every time they saw him) is holding my grandson w/ the baby's head totally lost in his shoulder. I've no idea what the baby looks like, and he's not a baby anymore. I don't remember how old he is because she took back the birth announcement. It would not surprise me if he doesn't know he has another grandmother. After all, the other is perfect.

I am also going thru an anniversary reation to what happened to me when a cop got me locked up again because he was angry w/ me. And I'm learning that I've lost my first amendment right to free speech. Between late December of '08 when I came home and 2/aomething of '09 wwhen they forced me out again, I had police all over the place. Someone would call and say I said I was going to kill myself. Even if it was true, I'm not an idiot. (Tho this cop thinks I am. He stood in my living room insulting em until I told him to stop, asked if the business he'd come for was taken care of , and then I told im when my family called me names when I was a kid, I had no way to stop them. But as an adult, I did not have to sit in my own living room being insulted by a cop whose records are all total fiction, so maybe he had mental problems, but my doctor of 30 years said I have never shown any sign of psychosis. Only severe, chronic depression, and between that and the sometimes unbearable pain from too many sources to name, I was obviously made much worse by stress, and I told him I'd like him to leave.

Even if I was feeling suicidal I'm not an idiot. I would never have mentioned it to anone I didn't know very well. After awhle, w/ the PTSD that came w/ round 2, I began t shake and tears would roll every time my bell rang and I wasn't expecting anyone. The cops are returning. It seems I've lost the right to use my phone. Someone from Comcast called and told them she spoke w/ me and I sounded depressed. SOUNDED? The police records state very clearly that I suffer from severe chronic depression, I am not a threat to myself or anybody else, taking me out of my home will make me significantly worse, and my doc will take responsibility for me.

None of the hospitals had anything I could eat. And it cost me $2000 for a bed I can sleep on w/o waking in tears from pain after not sleeping on those things they called beds, but which were harder than my floor, and there was noting to pull up w/. I had to drop down and crawl across the room to pull myself up. The way too much, incredible pain from walking miles of floor w/o my walker because the screener (now gone due to my clear, intelligent report on him) wouldn't let me change from dirty, holey pj pants, even take clean underwear, and absolutely would not allow me to take my walker. He handed me a cane. They are hanging in a few places where I can grab them if I'm losing my balance, but the walkers were in the closet until these abominable, totally illegal thinds done to me, and I can get my footing w/ a cane, but now need a walker in the apartment most of the time, and I cannot go out w/o my walker.

It's been a very long 20 years since I became too disabled to work, tho it took 5 years and an SUV to develop problems no judge could overlook.

So, A, I hope there's something you can relate to so you can see you are absolutely not alone. If I didn't say it before, very few people w/ depression have managed to escape the kinds of feelings you have. Are you getting any kind of couneling or taking any meds?

Please come back and let us know how you're doing. We care.

Warm welcoming wishes,

Sylvia

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