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03/20/2012 08:08 AM

Life as I know it

Kiddo32
Kiddo32  
Posts: 18
Member

I have battled depression my entire life. I can remember feeling shame and lonliness as young as 5 or 6. My first suicide attempt was when I was 12, then again at 15, and again at 22. For some reason, God has kept me around for 32 years now. I can't figure out why. I feel like a failure in every sense of the word. I'm a high school drop-out. I did get my GED and go on to college, where I dropped out again. I have had countless failed relationships - abusers, addicts, cheaters - really the scum of the earth are the only men who are ever interested in me. I have two kids, but custody of only one. The younger of the two lives with her dad. I barely make enough money to survive, let alone pay back all of the money I owe to everyone under the sun. A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with COPD. It's fairly un-heard-of for someone my age, so I underwent a lung biopsy to confirm it. Since then, I have been sick more than I've been well. I'm tired. Just so tired of it all.
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03/20/2012 08:57 AM
romeror2k
Posts: 24
Member

Your are good person who has just been dealt some bad circumstances. The fact that you completed your GED is a big accomplishment in itself. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but you must first forgive and love yourself. You are young with plenty of living left to do. Please don't give up. All of us are worthwhile, we are human and make mistakes

Have you been to a therapist ?


03/20/2012 09:17 AM
Kiddo32
Kiddo32  
Posts: 18
Member

Yes, I've been to several over the years, but they just frustrate me. I never seem to get the answers I'm looking for and find myself crying over the same old stuff everytime. It seems to me that at some point, there should be some kind of break, some kind of relief, but I just can't get there. Don't get me wrong, not everyday is horrible. The last couple of weeks have really taken a toll, and those ugly thoughts keep flooding in. It would just be easier, simpler, and the suffering would be over. I get to look forward to my health declining. The doctor's told me I would be lucky to see 50 anyway. This disease is like slow, painful suicide. Why not just get it over with and avoid 20 years of misery? I have been living for my kids, but at this point, my daughter has to do a great deal of the housework because I'm too weak. That's no way for a kid to have to live. My little one has been out of state for so long, her life wouldn't really change that much without me.

03/20/2012 09:36 AM
romeror2k
Posts: 24
Member

You said God has kept you here for 32 years, so he must have a purpose for you. I think the purpose is for your kids. I wish I could make a magic wand and make your condition go away. Kids are resilient, and all they want from parents is that they are there. They don't want stuff, they want you. Even though it is hard, live for the kids, they will be worse off if you left this life too early. They need their mother. My issues have deep roots from the fact that I did not have that loving,unconditional love from my mother. I am fighting my depression for my 2 daughters. My oldest helps on weekends, by cooking and taking care of her little sister. We find strenght because we are all in this as a family

We play games, we watch goofy shows, we talk. I don't think your child minds helping you, she loves you.


03/20/2012 10:17 AM
Bangbang
Bangbang  
Posts: 7164
VIP Member

Like said above..your child loves you and we are all here for something few of understand. Are you on any meds. Oh...I almost forgot. Try and do something every day that you like to do. You went to college. You are still young and can always go back. Take one class. Pick up the phone and talk to some friend if possible.

Post edited by: Bangbang, at: 03/21/2012 10:23 AM

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 03/24/2012 06:53 PM


03/21/2012 02:46 AM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Kiddo and welcome. I cannot type right now. It's almost 5 a.m. I am in severe pain, can barely see, and cannot type. I've saved your post because I have many of the same problems as yo. But that will have to wait. What I want to say, in case I don't respond to all of it. I plan to, but some days I'm not on, and nobody will be likely to see a new post after a week.

So. The main thing I wanted to tell you is that your kids could be in their 30's, both living in Asia, and not seen you for 5 years,and if you take your life, it would absolutely affect them. Not as severely as a young child who doesn't understand, but I promise you, they will be hurt in a way that well, it's one of those things that hard to describe if you haven't been there. Understand that I am not telling you what to do or not do. It's not my place, tho I know there are people who would be upset, but you would deeply hurt the kids. Food for thought? I will make every effort to respond tomorrow, it is almost 5:30 AM and I have to stop typing My response could be Thursday because my aide comes on Wednesday, and tomorrow I'm beginning occupational therapy. I am losing too many abilities and recently learned that OT could be of amazing help in easing at least some of the pain while being able to do some of the things I can't do now. The point is, it will be a busy day for me, and I'll have to wait until the evening when my aide leaves to see if I'm up to typing or if I finally get to bed at some really early time. I lose track of time before I went into the hospital because of a very mild med my doc kept telling me to take, even if I crushed it w/a hammer and has a crumb each day. I kept telling him I didn't know how, but my mind was being severely affected. I've been doing some research, on days I feel really strong (which means rarely), But I found out that this mild med almost took my life. The reason I couldn't tell him how my mind was screwed up is that I was spending more and more time in black=outs. I took care to some extent; I even paid my car insurance early, but I will never know where the money came from. But I had no clue as to what I was doing. My kids got rid of almost everything I owned, but I kept finding clothes I'd not seen before. I was shopping in black-outs did, however, buy only things I needed, in my normal price ranges, and paid the bills. If my computer guy hadn't told me why I had a new Dell, still in the unopened box, I'd never have known where it came from. What I had, among many more things is considered to be trauma amnesia. I had it in 1982 when I almost died from an intestinal obstruction, I had some black-outs and Jim assured me the info was gone forever. A laugh and I'm off. My nephew was visiting, and he said something about how funny it was that his bar mitzvah cake tumbled. I told him I didn't remember that happening. He told me I was the one who put it back together - perfectly. I told him he must have misremembered. He opened his suitcase and handed me a picture of me working on a cake that was about halfway restored when someone took the picture. LOL

I will try to get to you as soon as I am able. I never promise what I can't carry thru, so I am saying ASAP. If you need something, send me a PM. If I come on knowing I wont be on for long, I hist the PM's fist because I tell people (like you) who could have a serious problem, to send pm's.

Warm welcoming wishes,

Sylvia


03/23/2012 11:04 AM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9116
VIP Member

Welcome Kiddo, Sorry you have been experiencing the depression for so long. I would have to agree first with your comment: God has kept you around for some reason which tells me in your deepest of hearts you do know you are here for a reason. Your kids are a good reason to want to be hear. It's a devestating thing to loose a mom for kids. Also, sounds like although you have sufffered with this, you have come through it all each time which shows great strength that you have. We are all given certain life challenges we wish we didn't have to deal with. Sometimes we feel we cannot do it anymore and that something happens that brings us strength again to get through another day. Warm welcome wishes. Rachele
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