Hi FaithLady and welcome. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us. You don't say whether your depression had a particular trigger, or if you have a history w/ the disease?
I had my first bout w/ depression when I was 3. My father died and nobody would tell me what 'died' meant. I remembering telling my mother that I was still little and didn't know all words, and I did not know that one. She was, of course, in agonnizing pain herself, and she kept telling me to leave her alone. For the next 20 or so years I had long periods w/ the depression in remission and other periods when I was very low. Sometimes there was a trigger, sometimes not - or at least none that I knew.
I am now coming into the 20th year of my last depressive episode. I have only 6 meds I can take of the many dozens we've tried since all this happened, so I have to make them do what they're not meant to treat. Except for the excruciating physical pain and the depression, I make due. 5 of them do help w/ pain, and none of them is an antidepressant. But PLEASE don't compare my system to yours. There are doctors on two continents and in 7 or 8 states shaking their heads. I was able to take one of the pre-prozac meds in 1983, and it worked like a miracle - w/ one problem. I finally called my doc and told him 100 lbs. were ridiculous and if I gained another ounce the weight would out-do the depression; so I had to know how to wean off. He agreed that it was time. I also had found some supporrt groups and the ony counselor, after about 30 years of searching, who was helping me. We finally decided I had to fly solo. That was a number of years ago, but w/ what I've gone thru in the last 3 years I was thinking of calling him to help me get grounded. Before I found the number, a friend called to tell me he'd died. The lawyer who handled my SSD was like no lawyer on earth. He answered his own phone, returned calls asap if he couldn't take them, answered emails almost before I sent them, and I finally decided that maybe he had some suggestions. I was gob-smacked when I called. His wife answered. He'd died a couple of weeks before. I told her I was very sorry and that her husband was the most incredible lawyer I've ever known. Now I'm back to flapping in the air trying to deal w/ what can't be dealt w/.
As for your depression and all the confusing feelings, it is not all that uncommon to start peri-menopause at your age. I'm not saying that you are, but it's something you might want to check w/ your doc. If that is what's causing the depression and other strange things, an HRT (hormone replacement therapy) might be of more help than an antidepressant. Please understand I am not telling you that's what's going on, only that it's a possibility worth checking. Are you seeing any doctors or counselors at the moment? And are you on any meds? If you're on meds and have taken them for awhile, you may need a higher dose or a new drug. There are only a few dozen out there. 
Many people have to play the try and reject game to find what's right for them. I tried about 2 dozen and, again called my doc and told him I was not prepared to suffer anymore. We'd have to see what happened. What happened is that I had surgery on both feet w/ the doctor cutting the nerves on the bottoms of both feet. I'd been in unbearable pain for months and finally realized there was no choice but to get the growths removed. I couldn't live w/ that kind of pain. Then I illegally lost my job and found the ADA has no meaning. I had a phenomenal resume and got more interviews per number sent out than anyone I know. But none of them lasted longer than 90 seconds. As soon as the interviewer looked down I know that was it. I dressed well, do my make-up well, and my hair, when cut properly, does its own thing well. But none of that over-powered the walking shoes and cane. My bro kept telling me I'd never get a job in walking shoes w/ or w/o the cane. I asked him if it would be better to walk in the door and fall on my face. He finally stopped making me feel even worse. 5 years of only a few temp jobs, and I could finally take a few steps w/o the cane. At that time I got rammed by a kid in an SUV who was on my tail when he realized I was stopped and the light red. He panicked and slammed on his gad pedal. My doc who'd been telling me to apply for SSD for 5 years, finally got me going on the application. I still don't believe they'd have given me benefits because nobody would hire me while walking w/ a cane. The crash took apart most of what something in the past didn't. I had used up every cent, gone thru my savings and used up all of my IRA's. I got SSD in about 18 months - which is probably a bit better than average.
About 3 years ago my doc begged me to try a med he thought might help me. It had almost no side effects listed (which means nothing in my body). It finds side effects. I kept telling Jim (the doc - who after 33 years w/ me just retired - making the depression worse than I would have thought possible) that I couldn't give him specifics, but that med was affedting my mind. He told me to crush it w/ a hammer and take a crumb or two each night. I crushed one, but I only took it every few days because I was becoming terrrified about what I was feeling. A few months after starting it, I was found in bed passed out and almost dead. My kidneys were failing quickly. Turned out I'd been having black-outs for the seven months we argued - which is why I was so sick. I finally blacked out so far that I stopped eating and drinking, and my kidneys were about to crash.
I have several medical conditions than I had before all this, and one of my worst problems that all docs think they can work out ends up worse whenever I am hospitalized. And w/ my mind not along, I'm not sure what happened. The only thing that's clear is that they tried to kill me. My doctor has never lied to protect another doctor, and when I asked him why they were trying to kill me, he said he didn't think it started that way. However reading the records and seeing what they were doing to me - and not telling Jim - there is no question that the medical hospital and then the mental unit they sent me to illegally. The repervussions from that took away any reason I have to live. I just had to buy a $2000 bed because my very expensive bed from after the crash was so uncomfortable after those hard things that I'd lie down and begin crying in pain. Then the PTSD caused by the mental hospital staff would kick in. It was not a good time in my life, and now things keep getting worse.The psychiatrists couldn't have cared less about me. I hope he got a great kick back for forcing me to take a med that was basically guaranteed to make my pain conditions (I've lost count) worse w/ the increased pain never going down again. Now I'm in jail. It's a nice apartment, subsidized by the government, but I am stuck in it because that med made walking steps like Russian roulette. I go out 3-4 times a year when it's totally unavoidable. And the apartment is not mine anymore. The kids took everything they knew had any meaning to me, and they didn't take one thing I couldn't have taken wherever I went - the social worker lies better than my son. She told them I would not be going home. She told the judge I had no home, she didn't tell anyone about the renal problem being the reason I was there, and it's not in the records. There was some insane, illegal cover-up over that transfer. Nobody in either hospital would talk to me. But I know the LSW knew about the kidney probs and that I'd be going home, but she lied to Jim and the judge about the meds they were giving me. And the repercussions fronm all this is that I'm stuck in an apartment, rarely see people, need a walker in my home for the first time since just after the surgery in '94.
I do not call this living. The only thing left that brings me pleasure and gives me a fw hours w/ no depression is my aide's niece. She can't come often due to logistics, bur qw talk on the phone. To end on an up-beat, I'd told my aide I needed a litle one - between birth and about 5 because it is impossible for me to feel depession around little ones. A few weeks after I told my aide that, she same in and put something I couldn't see down. the something stood herself up and ran into my open arms. she climbed into my lap, being very czreful that her knees were on the chair and not on me, gave me a monster hug, turned my face w/ her tiny hand on my chin, kissed me, put her head doen on my shoulder dn went to sleep. Right then my aide called from the kitchen that her sister told her to tell me the baby wasn't warming to people lately. I told her to come into the living rooom and tell me that. LOL Every time she comes she runs into my arms. We play, she's a loving, happy, smiling, giggling angel. She was 18 months when diear shw came here and turned 3 at the end of the year. She sometimes won't talk to her aunt for as long as a week because she has so muvh fun hear and Auntie works 2 full time jobs.
Her picture is on my profile page, but it is two years old and she's changed so much. I have two newer ones and hope to get one up quickly, I can't do the other until she's here. She insisted on putting it in the frame, putting on all the backing, and I wouldn't dare take it apart w/o her here. I told her after I scanned it she could put it back or we could do it together.
Sorry for another novel. My depression is worse than it's ever been, and I need something in my life but pain of every kind imaginable and some that I never would have imagined.
Please excuse typos. My vision is getting worse, and I think I'm going to have to force myself to see the eye doc. I sold my car after that damned med because driving would not be safe. I often have to look down to see if my feet are still there. But you'd be surprised at what's happened to me in a good way. I've shoppers, a couple of people who would come in emergency, and a couple who will drive me whetever I need to go. I did not know any of these people when I got sick. They've fallen from the sky like manna, only I can't bake them.
FaithLady, please think about discussing what I've said and seeing a doctor. I also raised two kids on my own w/ depression coming and going. If you want to talk, plese feel free to send me a pm. I don't always make it to the boards lately - for a number of health-related reasons, but I think a trip to the eye doc could help immensely if the impaired vision is not just from my meds.
I hate it when I can't come on. I miss all of you - the family I chose. Be well. I do check pm's daily.
Love to all of you,
Sylvia
'I didn't have time to write a short [post].' Mark Twain wrote that one for me. LOL
'Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise.'
'Life is what's happening while we are busy making other plans.'
NOTE: I can't imagine anyone is surprised that distracted driving has overtaken drunk driving as the number one cause of death on the road. Please, y'all, keep your eyes sharp when you drive. The guy in the next car could be on a computer in the dash board (whoever dreamed that up should have to watch autopsies), while the one behind you is texting. It's important to be aware of those around you. The kid who ended my second to last life was in a huge SUV and on the telephone.
I am not a medical practitioner. I speak only from personal experience. Please do not interpret anything I say as medical advice.
