MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
01/15/2012 12:50 PM

depressed again

alfiemia
 
Posts: 17
Member

I thought i was getting better but all of a sudden i'm so depressed again. It makes me physically sick. I don't know what to do. I've tried to hard to get better and now all the hard work means nothing.
Reply

01/16/2012 08:08 AM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9116
VIP Member

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been for you Alfemia. I have chronic depression and it peaks now in January. I know how how frustrating it can be and the feeling of not knowing what to do. As much as I have dealt with mine year after year and yet to go through each time in January is truely hard for me. Do you have a doctor or therapist you can call? Keep reaching out to others. I know it's not easy. Thinking of you. Rachele

01/17/2012 07:35 PM
KenzieLove
KenzieLove  
Posts: 60
Member

I know EXACTLY how it feels and it feels terrible. Just stay positive. Try to stay away from old habits, don't keep things inside (I have a journal), and most importantly if you start feeling depressed DO NOT let it take you back down. You've worked to hard to let it take over you. Only you can fight the depression. It's hard and it will be for a while, and it is for me too still, but things will get easier. I'm sure of it. Just take everyday by its self. (:

01/17/2012 11:05 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi girls, I'm sorry everyone is feeling so bad, and I am just one more to add. I am almost in the 19th year of a downward spiraling bout of depression that started w/ some growths in my feet w/ surgery that went wrong. There was an accident - a guy in an SUV on my tail when he realized I was stopped, light was red, and he slammed on his gas pedal w/ enough power to crash in the last 3rd of my car. I cannot take almost any meds, can't eat almost anythng at all, and most of what I can eat is carbs, because of too many physical conditions to list I cannot exercize, my family basically abandoned me because of my son's wonderful lies, and to make everything so much better (NOT!), my doctor of 33 years retired. I take very odd meds because they're all I CAN take. I make cocktails of whatever part of the 6 meds I need.

The latest problem is that my doctor of 33 years - 10 spent in seeking one med for a minor problem that would have become fatal w/o some med to control it. We found it. My doc retired. He talked to dozens of doctors, and one finally said he understood what Jim was saying and he had no problem writing all meds in the same amounts. For the first five, there was no prob. Then we got to the one I need to survive and he freaked. He said he'd give me only one rx per month. I told him I would most likely dehydrate, and since I'd never call for help because I WILL NEVER BE IN ANY HOSPITAL UNLESS DRAGGED IN CHAINS, I would die in my own bed. He and my last doc both agree totally about the lousy lack of care in hospitals. I wish Obama luck, but I fail to understand how he can fix what does't exist. In '08 the only thing I needed was lots of IV's and one antibiotic. The latter was on hold each day, and since I was almost totally dehydrated when they put up two bottles of sugar water, they decided I had diabetes because my sugar was so high. DUH! What did they expect? Anyway, that was the beginning of the ultimate end of my life. Every time a doctor gets near me I get a new problem, a worse problem than I had before. I realized almost everything I have is either permanently worse or there's something new -all due to incompent doctors who are now getting worse and worse because Medicare, followed by private companies, have reduced the money anyone gets. This time there was so much that was new. I now do not have enough of the meds I need unless I go cold turkey for 1=4 days per month, depending on which day this guy is sober and sends the rx. Jim always ordered an extra bottle when the old one was gone. It was for 31 day months, emergencies, and so I would not be totally out when the new rx came.

I have to call him, and I'm terrified he'll say he's not writing it at all. W/o it, there's no me. And I cannot pay co-pays to every doctor w/in driving distance, only to find that s/he won't give me my meds. That's the main reason I've been sleeping so much. I can't deal w/ my fears anymore. Even if I can find a way to live until my body settles to the new dose - if it does, there will still be times when I have emergencies and need a bit extra - which can't be called in. A new rx is needed for every refill.

I would like to go to sleep and not wake up. That way the problem will be settled, and I wouldn't die slowly and in misery.

Thanks for listening. I honestly have no idea what to do. By the time I found Jim I'd met at least 3 dozen docs w/in 2 months. Not one believed I had the reaction I had to the med I'd taken for the problem for years, and then it simply reversed itself and almost killed me. Then came 10 years of one drug after another, entailing one more period of agony while the med was still in my system, and the agonies of my condition between tries. I feel like I just can't go thru this again. again. This bastard gave Jim his word and gave it to me twice.

Kenziel, I am not trying to 'pick' on you. but what I see in what you wrote are a lot of the things people who don't understand often say. For one example, how does one who's so low s/he's barely living STAY positive? One has to find the positive to invite it to stay. And often things do get better, but there are no guarantees. My doc, who used to compare himself to Pollyanna told me to stop looking for any meds that can help me w/ any of my problems. Since my system is so sensitive and different than anyone any doctor I've ever seen has seen before; and they are not working on meds for people w/ my conditions because the pharmaceutical companies are not spending millions of meds just to find one that I can take.

I'm angry, afraid, comfused, in major pain and my gut comes and goes. It's really unfair for him to give me no notice so I could lower it slowly. Hope y'all are doing ok.

Hi Rach.

Warm welcoming wishes to alfiemia and KenzielLove,

Sylvia

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 01/18/2012 06:03 AM


01/18/2012 01:14 AM
Catfishes24
Catfishes24  
Posts: 1664
Senior Member

Ok folks, I can't fix anything here; I've lost both my magic wand and my wings, and am pretty depressed right now myself. I can only be available as a good listener and tell you that altho I am not there in person, I am with you in spirit. You are not alone. Please come back and talk to us, PM me if you need to, whatever.

All the hard work does not mean nothing, it means you are facing a setback. It is not a fun thing to have, but it happens. Look at it as a learning experience - not fun, but necessary.

Do try to avoid old habits, if they involve self-harm or things that aren't good for you.

Journaling is a good idea. It is a safe way to express yourself.

If you are working with a therapist, etc., do tell them exactly how bad it is right now.

Again, please come back and talk to us. Hugs, Cat


01/18/2012 06:13 AM
Peace4Rach
Peace4Rach  
Posts: 9116
VIP Member

Ahhh sounds like alot of us are struggling with our depression right now. Trying so desperately to keep afloat each day. Trying to find something postive in all this and those old habits that keep us stuck in this rut are the challenge we try to overcome. Finding a safe place to come and talk is good coping. Journaling as Catfish suggests tends to help some, music can help, calling a friend and sitting with a therapist and letting it out too. Those are postive coping. Sure we will all have our setbacks but we must find a way back on the road to feeling better. There is help and support and we can be that for one another. Rachele

01/18/2012 06:44 AM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

alfiemia, you said you tried so hard to get well, but you're feeling worse and all of your hard work was for nothing. I think I got that right? Sweetie, no work to make oneself better in any way is wasted. Even if all we learn w/ the work is what doesn't work, it's still more than we knew before.

You do not give us enough info to provide any (hopefully) useful information. I will ask you some questions, and whether you answer none, one or all is up to you. You never need respond to anything asked on here,and you do not owe anybody an explanation. Here goes.

How old are you and how long have you been depressed? What did you do in your 'hard work'? W/ depression that can be almost anything from art therapy to yoga w/ no exclusions along the way. In other words, did you take meds? See a therpist? What exactly did the hard work entail?

If you'd like some help and suggestions, as I said, we need more info than you are depressed. Unfortunately, all 2822 members have had or still have depression. And there are so many things pushed on us that will make us all better. They can be meds, exercize, eating out w/ a friend once a week - you see the problem?

In addition, some info on your situation would help. Do you have children? Live w/ anyone? Do you go the school? work? Are you having the same financial problems as about half the world at this point? Do you see a personal care physician, a psychiatrist, counselor?

But we will be glad to try and make suggestions if we have any info to go on. Feel free to add anything I didn't ask if you think it explains you better.

Please come back and let us know what's going on so we can try to offer useful help. You now have a family of 2822 who care about you. And we absolutely do care about all of our family. Besides, this family is generally a lot more comfortable than the ones we didn't get to pick.

Take such good care,

Sylvia


01/18/2012 01:01 PM
KenzieLove
KenzieLove  
Posts: 60
Member

Sylvia,

Reading your first 3 paragraphs were really sad, and I'm so sorry you have had those things happened. I have no idea what it is like, and I could never imagine myself making it through that all. Your truly a strong person. Though I can relate to alfiemia. I know on my last post sounds like your typical therapist who has no idea what their talking about, but I do.

I've been bullied all my life by my family and by people around me, and I've always been made fun of. I have always had the worst self-esteem. I've tried to kill myself 3 times. I've been in a "mental hospital" and I have been in rehab. I have been at my lowest and I have gotten out of it, I know how hard it is, I really do. Thinking about how I was back then makes me cry, and it's so hard of me to think about how I was. It has been 2 years since I tried to kill myself, and i will say it has been so damn difficult, but it is really worth it. I have gone up and down, but I keep trying to go up. I really do know how hard it is to get better and fall back down. Which is why I had to go to rehab. I was doing pretty good, something set me off to make me attempt suicide again.

Happiness doesn't come overnight, or within a week, or a month, or a couple months, it takes a while. It really sucks, but if you don't let your depression keep taking you down, then you can keep overcoming it. Most importantly, like those nasty "your worthless" thoughts, yeah those are well known in my mind, when you get those just counter think them with "I'm a great person" and stuff like that. It may seem weird at first, but it really helps a lot.

This post is all spread apart, but I tried to get everything in this one post.

Post edited by: KenzieLove, at: 01/18/2012 01:06 PM

Post edited by: KenzieLove, at: 01/18/2012 01:08 PM


01/20/2012 02:29 AM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Thank you Kenziel for caring. I'm not always sure I have survived. Most times I get in bed, I hope that I don't wake again, and when I get up I hope I won't live to go back to bed. But I do have some wonderful news on two fronts.

I called the new doc again. I've been dehydrated too many times to want to go there again. I think the guy is - literally - bipolar. Or possibly only the moodiest man on earth. One call he's as kind as he can be. Next call he hangs up on me. I used to take this stuff personally. One major jump I've made along the road to the wisdom of age is to realize these things are not personal. The man hanging up on me does the same thing to others. Those who are going to call 'right back' as we wait for right back until 3 weeks from next Monday, and there is never a call. Again, I realize this person does the same thing to others. Just that realization did a lot for my self-esteem.

I too was bullied, called names, made fun of, and I had an unbelievable thing happen that probably raised my self-esteem jump at leaast half-way up. After my mom died, I called her oldest bro more often. He was the closest I had to a father. And he is still my idol. He gave his whole life to fighting against war and racism. He was in his mid 80's and I missed him desperately. One day I called him and he started to say 'stupid'. I stopped him. I told him that it might have taken 37 years and my mother's death for me to realize I am not stupid, useless, and all of the other things almost all of a very large family, all often at our home in the evenings. called me constantly. I stopped him and said when I was a kid and the family called me names, I had to choice. But I am now on my own, have little contact w/ my family - I failed the most important, but never spoken, family rules. I dared to express feelings by crying for more than 10 minutes after holding my mom's hand as she died. Two aunts tried to ply me w/ a few kinds of tranquilizers. I had my own, and would take one when there was any chance of calming at all, but this was probably less than an hour after my mom died. But not wearing make-up (just to have it run off?) and actually crying at my own mother's funeral were simply not allowed. Living in reality is not allowed. I'm certain that we have at least a dozen of those most in denial on earth. I also stopped doing everything they told me to. One aunt actually tried to drag me out of the hospital by my hair. Thank goodness another aunt got the fingers untangled and informed the one pulling on me that I was an adult and had to do what was best for me. I couldn't tell them another reason I couldn't leave. I'd have started WWIII. My mom had advance medical directives and a DNR, but I don't think she ever wrote them down because she trusted the addict who was her doctor whenever he wasn't in rehab. He was, frankly, a bastard. After her stroke, when I fianlly got to see her, I knew there was no way she'd live. It was so painful because it was her choice, but it WAS her choice, and I had to take care of things w/o telling anyone a number of things she'd made me promise. BTW. I was right about my bro not knowing. When she had her open heart surgery a few years earlier, after 7 hours in a space w/ these nuts - my aunt was tossing candy across the room at another relative, the thing my brother married was threatened by expulsion from the hospital 3 times. Just made her more obnoxious. We all know that negative responses to our actions are still responses. Finally the doc came out. To back up for one sec, when I'd gotten to town two weeks before her surgery the quack said he was glad to see me; he was having trouble getting the surgery scheduled. That was when a friend from high school told me about his addiction and lack of respect from other doctors. But I was not raised eating dinner next to Uncle Abie for nothing. My own current situation is one of the only serious problems I've not been able to do anything about. And I recently realized that I didn't often lose when I was in the right because, having spent so much time w/ him, I simply didn't expect to lose. It's few days after the 26th anniversary of her death.

Meanwhile,I called the idiot doc right after the stroke and told him that, as I'd told him before, my mother was too trusting and didn't put things in writing, but she made me promise I'd never let anyone operate on her or put life supports on her or try any other super measures; that when she was dying, she was to be snowed and noting else. (He'd had to balls to call me back collect.) I told him I didn't know what she'd told him, that she had odd views on what one could or couldn't say to a doctor, but she was to have no heroic measures, no life supports, no IV's or forced feeding, but she was to be snowed so she wouldn't be in pain. I also called my bro and told him he HAD to call this doc and tell him what I'd told him because I was sure our mom hadn't expressed this to him. Indeed, he was in shock but said he agreed, it was her discussion, and he called. Imagine my surprise 4 months later, walking into her room at about midnight and finding her on life supports. I began to scream. I didn't try to scream, it just came out. And the rainfall began. The nurse came running. I asked her why my mother was on life supports w/ an IV when the idiot doc was told clearly that she did not want any of this, and my bro and I had told the incompetent idiot that he was to follow her orders, whether she'd told him, written them or was hearing them for the first time. The nurse got him on the phone. He said she was on life supports because neither my bro or I was there. I hit the ceiling. The very kind nurse gave me a look that said pleae, this is a hospital. I told him I wanted them disconnected. He said he'd neec a court order. I told him to get a court order. Let's be logical folks. He said there wasn't enough time. She'd be gone first. I was trying so hard not to lose it (a fight I always lost when in a room w/ him; he was smarmy, patronististic - your everyday barely clean and sober who would shortly be back in rehab. I totally fail to understand how he kept getting his license back. But none of my family knew this about him. Finally I told him I wanted her totally snowed; that I would not leave the hospital as long as she was alive, and if she so much as moved a finger I wanted another shot of morphine put in, and I didn't care if that was every five minutes, but I'd given her my word and he broke it, and I would not have her come barely alive for a moment and her last thought to be that I'd failed her.

The uncle I was talking about was as lost as a spouse would be. They were like a couple except he had his own apartment. They'd both been widowed w/in a few months of each other. And they were both active in many things, almost all opposite each other, but they'd have occasions when an escort was needed and, you guessed it, they did that for each other.

I think I stopped in the middle of the call to my uncle. He was honestly surprised. He said he never thought I was stupid, that he was kidding. I told him that he and much of the rest of the family said the same things, and little kids take things very literally. I told him as much as it would hurt, I wouldn't call him anymore if he was going to tell me I was stupid because I am not. He actually said he was sorry; he had no idea he was hurting me, and he would stop. I was shocked. Shortly thereafter I was sent to Cincinnati for a convention. They gave me a few days off, and I spent most of the days before the conference w/ my uncle. He truly changed the way he even talked to me or looked at me. I think my telling him how I felt had him on a new plane. He was respectful, and one of my aunts started to say something she was assuming I'd done, and Abe stopped her and said she knew the other person involved was crazy. What happened was not my doing. We didn't do much besides talk, visit my aunt in the nursing home, eat out, and those are some of the warmest memories I have - that don't include little ones. Those can't be topped. LOL

Ironically, when Uncle Abie died, I was at a conference in Cleveland, and had the airline not screwed up royally, I'd have been able to drive down w/ my cousin working in Cleveland and back after the funeral, and paid a $20 fine if I took the same flight on a different day. When I and a number of others called the airline for ANY way to lose the $400 penalty and get me either to Cincinnati for the funeral, or home for my kids who loved Abe as a grandfather. I didn't find that out until after the funeral. And considered I and many on my behalf pleaded, I was not at his funeral. But I asked myself if I had to choose between those few wonderful days, we laughed, we were like a father and daughter, or his funeral, there was no point in even asking. And I might be better off than to have been involved again in the insanity I grew up w/. I regreat not being there only because I lost touch w/ one of Abe's dearest friends, and I'd love to talk to him. I want to know why the people I want to talk to most have such common names. Sad

Kenziel, I recently read about a newly dx'd mental disorder that will be in the next DSM (the manual psychiatrists use for help w/ dx's). They are working on a name, but it's for people like me who do not have the ability, no matter what I do, to even bring anything into control, never mind getting over 'it'. I put up w/ a lot of abuse of one kind or another because, as I said, I was a child. I now know that one reason I often had heated conversations was that I have severely overdeveloped senses, and others do not see, hear, etc., what I see or hear.

I have done everything in my control since spring of '84 when the serious problem w/ my feet began, and the all but unbearable pain brought the depression into full-blown condition in days. And I've got little to have the pain even reduced. And after the accident, it was obvious that w/ no ability to take any pain meds, I was considering leaving. But I was taking flexeril every 8 hours around the clock. and that really knocks me for a loop. I had a couple of friends who would come in, make sure I got up to eat, even just a little bit and drink - much more than a little bit. They saved my life. Right now my _hit list is made up of every person who has anything to do w/ why I didn't die on the many occasions in my life when I was as close as a half-hour away.

Still, I've gone to physical therapists, 2-3 different types of counseling, had acupuncture for awhile, even tried hyptonism. And we did try at least 2 dozen antideperssants, when I told Jim I was tired of makiing the symptoms and being stuck w/in 5 minutes of the loo as I was when I first me him. Anything to bring up my spirits and down the desire to slip away. Nothing helped until my granddaughter was born. We had a bond that was unbelievable. She adored me and said Grandma was the only person who always told her the truth (always on her level; I've a degree in early childhood ed), and I didn't tell her daddy her secrets, but everybody else lied and told him anyway, and she'd get punished. I told her to call me when she needed help or just to talk. Then after my almost renal failure and it's repercussions, he took my girls away. And w/o them I really have no purpose on earth, except on the occasion I help someone on here. I can only imagine what he told them, but I promise one thing. Whatever it was was not the truth. I'm not sure he's able to tell the diff between the truth and his fantasies. And I don't like the way he treats his kids, but I can't even talk to them on the phone. I think he's afraid of my relationship w/Ash (the oldest) because he adn his wife really don't know how to parent, and Ash always wanted Grandma. But this idiot I'm so sorry I raised is a terrible father. At barely 3 Ash would call me for reality checks because she knew things he said couldn't be true. I only hope she remembered that when he told them whatever he told them about me.

I am just throwing this in because I want the word sperad - I told Roy that the Baby Boomers became retirement age in '05. And the world is changing as a result. We are the largest generation ever. I see more ads for wrinkle cream than ever before, adds that used to be directed toward teens and 20's because they were the ones w/ the money, are easing, and the content has to do w/ aging folks. They've brought back the bright colors we used to wear in make-up, but w/ better types of delivery.

And I believe we can change the world again if we put our efforts into it. Don't forget, we got the law changed so that those being sent to Vietnam to fight at least got to vote for those sending them. We stopped the war that might have gone on forever. I read the names of war dead on a corner by campus at midnight every night. We protested (anyone remember Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech?) The fire hoses and dogs set loose in the middle of equality marches in the south? During the voting rights campaign, my uncle spent a night in the same jail cell W/ MLK. As I think i said before, Uncle Abe is my idol - right beside Eleanor Roosevelt.

I hope there's something useful in here. It's late and I haven't been sleeping for quite as long as I was. But my hands are telling me I have to stop. The problems are so much worse because of my limited meds. But I forgot the other good news.

My computer guy told me that Dragon is standard in my new laptop. He said it's much better w/ a head piece and the kind of mic that's right by your mouth. So he's going to pick those up for me, and if it works for me as well as for the only two people I know of who use it, I should be able to be around more because the physical pain won't be worse by the minute.

Hope everybody's having beautiful dreams, and that I will also before long.

Feel good,

Sylvia


01/20/2012 04:05 AM
Catfishes24
Catfishes24  
Posts: 1664
Senior Member

Sylvia, I apologize, I mean to ask you if you could get a Dragon or something like it to help you type, and I just plain forgot. Forgive me. Reading your posts reminds me that I can do what I gotta do in life - if Sylvia can still be here, so can I.

Alfiema - please come back and tell us more about how you have worked on your depression. We learn from one another here, and you just might have something I haven't yet tried.

KenzieLove - what a beautiful screen name. Your ideas are good ones, maybe not the easiest to put into practice, but still good ideas, and worth giving a go at. You've been through it too, and sharing your story just might help others who read but don't always have the courage to post.

Peace4Rach - you are one of our group's rocks. Thank you.

Anyway, I am still working on my Big D (depression) - haven't been sleeping well due to pain, and it is that time of the year for me - November thru February are tough. My goal today is to try and reach out to someone in need. If I can help someone with a kind word or a chat, it sometimes helps me, too. Thanks for putting up with me.

Hugs - Cat

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:
<< Start < Prev 1 Next > End >>


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved