Depression Support Group

I have really bad abandonment issues. This time of the year especially. According to the docs who worked with me it's because of my mom dying when i was young, my dad getting re married soon afterwards, running away from home and then wanting to go back home but wasnt allowed.

Im so tired of being alone.its the holidays, everybody's busy with friends, on the beach in clubs etc. And guess where i am? At home. I dont have a car, so i cant just go anywhere,(although i do go for walks) only got one friend who is busy. Church members who are also busy even if i do ask if i can help with anything.I dont have a boyfriend, im very shy although i try and go out of my way to make friends with people. i dont have the confidence to go out by my self and if i do try, i feel so uncomfortable, it feels like everyone is looking at me strangely.i try and fake it walking with confidence, smiling, although i dont feel like i can, i still do it.I even go and do things for other people, older people make them coffee keep them company. but in the end its still just me alone. i read a comment on the Christmas blues in one of the other support groups, tried some of the things but its not taking the feelings away

Im so tired of feeling this way. I dont feel like iv got purpose or meaning in life.Everyone seems so happy its the holidays its christmas, but i feel so lonely,my sisters busy with her family, my dad went to go visit my sister and brother 16 hours away from here, my one and only friend is busy.even the church dont need me.(sorry now im repeating myself)

Thanks for listening, and thanks for all the support i get from here, sometimes i wish i can jump into MDJ where people understand me and are going thru what im going thru, i sometimes wish i was still in the Psych hospital there i had so many friends who went thru the same issues as me.iv kept contact with some of them but they scattered all over the country so visiting is out of the question.

I sorry you are having such a hard time especially around this time of year. I think most people tend to have some of those feelings of being alone around the holidays. I'm not alone and am so busy, I wish I could dump some of my responsibilites on someone else but I can't. If I were in your shoes, I think I would do some of the things I've thought of doing if I had the time. Finding meaning and purpose in your life I think has to come from somewhere within. Finding that you are impacting your life or the life of others. Sharing with others no matter how little it is, seeing someone's smile or hearing a thank you from someone can be really comforting to ones soul. I always hear on TV people who help a certain group of people and find it truely gratifying and just lifting their spirits to do for someone else. It takes some emphasis of yourself but sharing with others is what life is all about. Giving and sharing your love and qualities is what gives one purpose I think. Rachele

I'm am sorry for everything that you have gone through. No, it was not right. Your mom passing away so soon. Your dad re-marrying too early. It is not right because you were not ready for it and you're still not ready for it. I don't think anybody is ready for loss, heartache, pain or abandonment. Life is hard, that is the reality though. Not only for you, but for everybody.

I'm sorry you ran away. I too planned that. But I was more devious. I pushed my mom's buttons too far knowing that she would give me the ultimatum to either change or leave. And when I got her to say it, I packed my bags and moved somewhere else too. My parents loved me and they brought me back home. But I bet, if I was left out their in the world making my own decisions. I probably would have blamed them for the bad things that happened in my life even if I chose that path because I would have said to myself: "Self, you are here because your mom told you to leave or change." I would not have acted matured and realize that bad things happen when I make bad choices. Not then. Sometimes, I still do that so I have to watch myself.

I can relate and agree that you have abandonment issues. I'm glad that you recognize it. I, too, have many abandonment issues. I, too, have experienced abandonment early in life. But were are not the only people affected by this. At one point or another, everybody has experienced abandonment. Some people just interpreted and choose to re-frame their experiences so they don't feel "stuck" in the trauma.

When I started facing my abandonment issues, I knew I had to find peace with my past and within myself to be able to move on from the tragedy and enjoy/live life. I did a couple steps. I visited all the painful areas in my life (at first, it hurt because I was visiting them from the first person - me!) but I motivated myself to view my experience from the point of view of the people responsible for my agony in my soul. I visited some of their past and history by asking people who knew of their upbringing and background. This is where I started to understand that the people that hurt me were not doing it to me personally. It happened to me personally but they were behaving like that because they were broken people themselves. It's some generational curse or something. The sins/bad behavior/mistakes of the older generation follow the next generation until the third and fourth generations. Some of the ways we act and think can be affected by biology and genes. Some of the ways we act and think are the effects of conditioning, our social environment and habits we learned to do from our elders.

I also realized when people are badly hurting inside their spirit, they start to build up walls to protect themselves, use defense mechanisms, have a lot of mistrust for people around them even people that are not hurting them per se. Sometimes, they just simply lash out because they don't want to deal with their issues but they're still angry and they take out their anger on others. Is it right? NO! NEVER! But is it a human tendency? YES!

We are all humans. We are broken and imperfect by nature. We will all make mistakes until we die. Sometimes, we realize our mistakes but it's too late. What was said had been said, what was done was done. Nobody can't take anything back, unfortunately, no matter how sorry they are. And that's when people are lucky to recognize their mistakes. There are many people that never realize what they have done and how they affected the people around them. Perhaps a character flaw or a personality disorder? Or maybe some people just don't want to change. I know it took me decades to work on my stuff and make some changes in my life. Heck! I'm still I'm still a work in progress!

I know I too have hurt people in my life with my words and my actions. I, too, retreated from the abandonment I experienced and abandoned the people that hurt me like my family by shutting down my emotions, withholding my affections and refusing to mend our relationship when I was younger. I lost the opportunity to bond with my family because I held on to grudges and I was more concerned with payback. You hurt me, I will hurt you back - that was my mentality.

As I started to understand that yes it hurts to be abandoned. I should know and yet I too have abandoned and hurt others. I, too, was hurting in my soul and spirit that I built up walls, put up defense mechanisms and had a lot of mistrust for everybody even the people that were not hurting me per se. I saw my parents and my siblings in everybody I met. I pre-judged everybody that they will abandon and hurt me so I always felt insecure, fearful and defensive. I didn't start making friends in school until I hit the 6th grade. I always struggled with making friends anyway and I was always awkward. When I failed to build friendships, I withdrew again from people and didn't try to make friends again until I hit college. I, too, have abandoned people in my life because I wrote people off and didn't give anybody a chance.

I felt better about my abandonment issues when I started to add more details to the story. When I look back and played the "observer" of these terrible events, I didn't just see it from the victim point of view and the self-pity. I also understood the feelings and the history of my parent's, my siblings, friends and acquaintances, strangers, etc. Granted I don't know every past event but I knew enough to understand that we all abandon people because we are broken and hurting. And sometimes, we don't know any other way to live. It doesn't take the pain away or justify bad behavior/treatment/abuse. But it helps me to forgive, let go and understand that bad things were directed at me but they were not specifically done to target me and make my life miserable. They acted that way because they made mistakes and at that time,they didn't see the effects of their actions because they were in their little world. Which I am most of the time, especially when I was growing up. I can trade stories with how selfish and self-centered I was growing up with the best of them. How I behaved sometimes would make some of the people that hurt me look like saints. I definitely knew how to dish it out, although I was not good at being in the receiving end.

People aren't perfect. My family was not perfect. I'm not perfect. All we can do is our best. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes and change for the better. Besides, it's difficult to stay angry at someone when I realize that they didn't know what they were doing. And it humbles me to not hold it over their heads when I know I'm guilty of the same things in my life.

I know I can't change the past. I can't change anybody. I can't manipulate anybody and make them do anything they don't want to do. But I can change myself. I can "talk to the man in the mirror and make that change." I also figured out that if I concentrate my efforts on working on my shortcomings and my failures, if I discover the secret to not abandon people maybe I can pass that on to others. I can't expect people to know not to abandon me when I myself act don't know how not to act like that.

Once I realized this, I was able to move towards healing. I let go of my denial that the terrible things never really happened, I let go of my denial that perhaps I may be pushing people's buttons and triggers so that they acted in self-defense, I let go of my own personal responsibility in the situation because everything I do and say also has an effect on others. I let go of my anger and the thirst for retribution and payback. I quit bargaining with God, with people, with myself. I stop asking God to change and save me, instead I asked for guidance and help to change myself. I stop bargaining with people and bartering if I do this, you will do this for me. I stop bargaining with myself by saying if only people change, then I will change my behavior towards them and the world. I chose to let go of my depression because these events are in the past. I don't have to let it ruin my present or my future anymore. And then I learned to accept what I could not change, accept the things that I could change and know the difference it has made in my life.

This isn't easy and I had to go through the process quite a number of times for years on end. But I'm slowly learning to wait for people to earn my trust before I let my guard down. I'm learning to work on me, instead of casting stones and throwing tantrums in my head because I didn't like what happened to me, and I've seen so many changes in my life.

The funny thing is as I changed myself without the intention of using it as a manipulation tool, I changed for the sake of goodness and myself. People around me started to change the way the thought and acted around me!

I hope you find the courage to face change, and find healing in your life. I hope you find peace within yourself in your way and find freedom from all your suffering. I hope you find joy, happiness and meaning in life because you are important, significant and we need you around. There is so much you could teach us because you are learning a different life lesson. The change you can make could have a snowball effect to make a difference in the people around you. You are stronger than you think you are. You went through all those horrible, unjust and terrible events and you're still standing.

Don't quit now! Keep pressing on this road less traveled towards healing of your soul and spirit. You are worth it!

Still feeling so stuck in a rut..i prayed this morning someone will offer me to go visit them, everyone seemed so busy.there was a couple of friends from church and i thought they might invite me to go with them but they didnt.They always very friendly but thats it.really feeling so sad and lonely

I'm sorry. If I were in your circle of acquaintances, I would probably invite you to do something like be a guest in my Toastmaster meeting or just hang out. I don't make friends very easily either. When I started making friends, I quit waiting for people to invite me to stuff. I started inviting people to do things with me. I picked up the idea from the concept of selling and sales in business. The more people you talk to, someone is bound to say "Yes!" I know it can be discouraging sometimes. So when I don't find anybody to do anything with at all, and I want to do something, I try to do things that I enjoy by myself. I decided to interpret the "lack of company" as time for myself to get in touch with me and to be comfortable in my own skin with my reflections. It was either I had that attitude or I had the attitude of poor me, nobody likes me and my life is so sad and lonely and there is nothing I can do! I learned from that experience that the reason I wanted to be in the company of people all the time or frequently was that I didn't like myself very much so I wanted the distraction of someone else to focus on.

Oh well, it's just a thought. Hope you are having a great weekend.

I can relate 100%. I have abandonment issues too, so you are not alone. I grew up in a alcoholic home so that is obvious what I dealt with on a day to day basis. Dad was there but unfornately most of the time he wasn't. I never had a lot of friends. It seems that the older I get, the more picky I get when it comes to my choice of who I want to hang out with.

I hope and pray that you have a good support system.

angelbaby,

Have you considered asking someone to your home or an outing? How about volunteer work such as Meals On Wheels? Usually, The Senior Centers do them.

You can help cook the meals or deliver them to shut-ins. I loved to do the delivery because there were many folks I got to know. I would be invited in and sit for a little while mostly listening to them.

I always made sure the last meal I delivered was to the one I liked to sit with the longest. So many interesting stories from the very old.

I did this until health made it too difficult. I still miss it.

There are many things to volunteer for. Pick what you feel is the best for your talents.

When I became sick I was forced to be be with "me". I hated it for a long time.

Then...as I was "forced" to know myself, I found I liked me very much. In fact, I came to truly love myself.

I looked into the mirror and saw a beauty I had never saw before.

Before I was always well put together. Full make-up, stylish from head to toes,

maintained hair/nails, active in work, volunteer, family/friends, church, travels, dining out, baking/chefing, etc.

Then it all stopped.

I became sick. Sick with a chronic progressive disease with no cure.

I became (still am) 99% homebound.

My looks showed something was wrong. The only maintance I could do with my physical self was to be clean. As my health deteriated so did my apperance.

The day I looked into the mirror, as I had a million times before, I saw the shaggy hair, grown out eyebrows, pale face, scared body, pjs I lived in, one flaw after another, and then...I looked into my eyes.

It was amazing.

I saw the most beautiful light shining through. A light that drew me to it.

From that point on I realized I was beautiful. More beautiful than I had ever been.

I had found the real me. And I loved her.

As my layers were being stripped away I fought it. But...they had to go. And I was left with "me."

The sickness that had taken over my body caused an extraordinary thing to happen. As my body was becoming less my soul was becoming more.

I have to spend alot of time alone because of illness. I do have family/friends but I still have to be with me more than them.

And I love me. So, I am in good company whether it be with another or just me.

I pray you find the beauty of self. And make wonderful friends.

Hugs

What area do you live in? There are so many charities that need volunteers. You really should look into it, especially your church. People need someone like you. As far as everyone seeming happy at this time of year; I don't know any who are. Everyone is so stressed and hectic and hating to have to deal with someone or other etc. Don't fall for the "t.v. family" b.s. there aren't that many people who are living that dream. You are more common than you think.

Think i should just keep quiet for now

angelbaby28, don't pull back from us. We care and want to help and we wish we were near you to put our arms around you in a big hug. There's been a lot of helpful suggestions posted and I know it can be overwhelming, but we all want to help and let you know you are important to us.

Try picking just one thing that you can do today to make yourself feel good: paint your nails a Christmas red - or green!, call someone you have not talked to in a long time for a chat, whatever - make it simple and make it for yourself. You are worth it.