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08/02/2011 12:13 PM

i feel like no one cares about me ANYMORE

soso

I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME ANYMORE. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME BUT IM JUST TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. I GO TO CHURCH AND TALK TO GOD. THINGS WILL BE GOING GOOD AND THEN SOMETHING COMES & RUINS EVERYTHING. i mean is this how life works?? right now all i need is GOD. butt i also need my friends and family to support me & be there for me through my situation. when my daddy waas here everything wasnt like this.Now i have to keep surving without him!Sad Angry Dizzy Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad
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08/02/2011 12:52 PM
jaywoodard58
jaywoodard58  
Posts: 234
Member

Hi my name is Jay I deal with serious depression and anxiety. Life has been crap for me for the past 8 months. I seriously feel alone everyday of my life. When i thought my friends would be there for me during the ruff times of my life, they did not stick around they just bailed on me. I guess people don't like being around us depressed people. I am seriously stressed out and i also go to church i am a strong christian i just try to live my life through Jesus our savior and give all of my problems to him. If you need to talk or anything i am all ears. Smile I Hope you feel better soon!

08/02/2011 02:04 PM
soso

Rightt.It's Like they dont want to be around us depresssed people. i've thought about if i should take some medication or something to also help me out becasue rightt now i'm feeling very alone. and as if im a non factor.

08/02/2011 02:14 PM
jaywoodard58
jaywoodard58  
Posts: 234
Member

I started taking Zoloft a few weeks ago. I don't know if it is helping right now i probably need a stronger dose. I do see a counselor also once a week that helps just to talk to someone. I feel alone everyday life is so stressful all I can do is pray things will get better. I can tell who my friends are and real family members are. Life will get better I promise you gotta keep faith.

08/02/2011 02:18 PM
soso

it's crazy because everyone keeps telling me life will get easier...sometimes it feels like it & sometimes it don't.....i see counselors and im in therapy but it's not helping me.

08/02/2011 02:28 PM
jaywoodard58
jaywoodard58  
Posts: 234
Member

I understand people have been telling me forever life is going to get better and i am like when is it going to get better i am waiting!!?? Its so hard to go on everyday with a million of problems and stressful things going through my mind. Its like everyday a new bad thing happens. I sometimes want to give up. I know how you feel Sad

08/02/2011 09:24 PM
houndman
Posts: 293
Member

life is a challenge, and we see how we handle it. Try not to think of negative things, just positive. Friends come and go, so try making new ones, ones with similar interests. Remember, things can always be worse.

08/03/2011 11:07 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi all, soso, that is exactly how life is. Life is made up of moments. There are very few people who are always bubbly and up. We've all got problems, and maybe those who have not suffered depression and have no mental illness in the family, have learned to deal better than those of us w/ depression and who came from screwed up families. But that does not mean that they feel great all the time. I can take almost no meds, but many years ago I tolerated one of the older antidepressants (prozac, et all had not come out) and the difference was amazing. I'd been w/in an hour of death a year before, went thru hell w/ the surgery and the painful, long recovery process. I had to force myself out of bed for 8 months. I had two kids and, sadly, didn't always make it out of bed. But two weeks after I started the meds I jumped out of bed, the flowers outside my window were no longer grey, and w/in a couple of weeks I had a job. I'm sure you're wondering why I no longer take it. The newer anti-D's often say they can cause weight gain or loss or are weight neutral, but the tricyclics tended to cause weight gain in many people, and you know about the person here w/ all the odd problems w/ meds didn't simply feel better and continue the meds, but not because I felt any stigma about depression. My whole family was screwed up. I once made a list of all family members I knew anythng about, and every single one had some kindo of noticeable mental problem. My problem w/ the meds is that, due to severe fibro, I don't experience many side effects that are merely annoying. That I could handle. But gaining almost 100 lbs in a few months was enough. I told Jim the wonder doc I wasn't going for 200. We weaaned, and, when I was feeling better w/ the meds, I finally found a really good counselor and some useful support groups. Also a job I loved and which made me feel useful, and I met a guy I saw for a year or so. It wasn't until my health started declining w/ pain conditions of one kind or another that often left me unable to move w/o help when they were in flare. But the permanent post-surgical problems in both feet, and then the SUV getting any nerve the podiastrist missed, in addition to many other problems from being rear-ended by an SUV on my tail by the time the driver realized I was stopped for a red light. He panicked and slammed on his gas pedal. I loved all of my Toyotas, but I wouldn't even try to tell you that a Corolla is any fight against one of those huge SUV's.

So my mother was depressed all of her life, and my father died when I was 3, in a time when it was not considered to be a good idea to talk to small kids about death. But to hear 'he died' when I asked where my daddy was, and 'go away and leave me alone' when I asked what 'died' meant was not intended to be cruel, but believe me, it was cruel.

What I'm trying to say is that life is made of moments - good ones, bad ones, neutral ones, and the object of treating depression is to have more of the good moments and to be less affected by the bad ones. But w/ no ability to have any treatment (as I cannot), and to be physically ill as well, I have a hard time w/ the moments. I used to be able to avert a serious decline in my depression by remembering every second I spent w/ my first granddaughter. But she's now 12 and has two little sisters. I've not seen them in 9 years, and the middle one was 2 months. The oldest and I got to spend time together every few months. They're 1250 miles away, so obviously visits took planning.

Now if I think of one of those wonderful moments I had w/ Ash, I end up in a puddle of tears because of the serious psychological and emotional damage my son is doing to me, but much more concerned w/ what taking me away from them (I talked to all of them on the phone, and the then 3 year old said she had nobody to help her w/ the bad things but Grandma because everybody else said they wouldn't tell he daddy but they did and she got punished. I told her that was what grandmas were for. How could she possibly have felt when, w/in a few months of my telling her that, he made of some unbelievable lie so the girls would stop asking to call me. I don't know specifically, but my guesses (and I know him and his inability to tell the truth, as well as his pattern of lies to cover his non-truths) so he probably told them either what he told all of my relatives, that I'm locked up in a mental hospital for life; I can't even make calls and there's no way to reach me. He also, however, could well have told them I died. And the other serious possibility that comes to mind is that he told them I don't love them anymore and won't speak to them. The possibility of that can send me into days of uncontrollable crying. But I've, most unfortunately, got no control of any of this, and have no relatives where they live I'd trust to hold a nickel for me for a moment.

I do have a substitute now, and she's helping a lot. I told my aide I was in w/drawal and needed a fix. She knew I didn't do drugs (other than those ordered by my doc), so she waited. I told her I needed a little one - anywhere from birth to 5 years. Ever since one of my cousins was born when I was 4,and they let me feed him, I've been literally unable to feel depressed arond little kids. I taught nursery school before I had kids of my own. One day my aide came in and put something down where I couldn't see what it was. The something, however, uncurled herself and stood up. I was so surprised! I put out my arms, and she came running into them,crawled into my lap - carefully, as if she knew she had to be gentle w/ me, gave me a huge hug, took her tiny hand and moved my chin so my cheek was by her, gave me a huge kiss, then put her head on my shoulder and went to sleep. I told Dorothy (aide) that it looked like she was saying her work here was done, and boy did it make her tired! But she woke in 10 minutes raring to go. She's been back a number of times, and I always feel the depression level lower itself for a couple of days. I work hard to remember and think about each moment w/ her, and each thing she tells me on the phone. She was a year and a half when I met her - just a year ago. Everytime she's been here she'd come running into my arms in the same way she did at first. Only now, instead of going to sleep, we talk. She's amazingly bright, funny, sweet, loving and has only one serious side efffect.She's highly addictive. I've got her working on her mom to bring her here. Her aunt (my aide) works one full-time job and one that's not quite full-time but does take up most of what time she has left after the rest of the days w/ two jobs. The diff is, of course, that I can talk to her as much as I like. She talked about me so much after her first visit that her mom sent me a picture of her to be able to see her. The pic is on my profile page if you're interested, but it's about 18 months behind the times, and she's so different now. One of my shoppers picked up a digital camera for me (I ask and pay for what any of my shoppers bring me), and I forgot to even look at it before the last time my angel was here. But I'll look before she comes again.

The point is, most of my life consists of being all but jailed in my apartment because going out is so painful, and as I sit, I try not to think about the absolutely wonderful times I had w/ my Ash because they only bring me to now and the pain of taking my irls away is so great, I wish he'd have shot me on the way out the door. Tho I hate guns and he never even had a water gun, and that's one of the few good things in him - he feels the same way about guns. Besides being all but jailed, I am in grave pain most of the time. But sometimes I honestly proudce endorphins by sitting here and remembering Erin's last visit - which is mentally safe because I know she'll be back. She sometimes stops talking to Auntie for as long as a week because she wantts to see me.

Work on those moments when you can. I promise, anything that eases a severe depressive episode that's in its 18th year, is good as far as I'm concerned. It won't take the depresion away, but it helps to reduce it to a degree.

The last time I talked to her on the phone she told me when I saw her she was still a baby, but now she's a big girl. So when she visited and climbed into my lap, I was kidding her, I patted her tush and asked, as if I was surprised, what happened to her diaper. She said she told me on the phone that she was a big girl now. LOL W/ a few hours of moments like that to remember, if nothing extra is abetting my depression, I am often able to make the moments last for at least an hour or so. And when I can't, I call her.

houndman, I think what soso is trying to say is that she thought she HAD friends, until she got sick. One cannot shuffle friends like a deck of cards, and it's a lot harder to meet people when depression is high level.

Another issue some of you touched on is life getting better. There are no guaramtees in this world, and that goes for easing depression in any way; but as I said, we all have some good moments, and can concentrate on them, but it takes a lot more than that to unscrew the chemicals in our brains. Depression is caused by miswired brain chemistry, and the more often we have bouts of depression, and the severity of the bouts, has a lot to do w/ those chemicals.

I cannot type anymore. I'll be in tears instead of looking for food. But I don't want to leave this off: ONE THING DEPRESSION IS NOT IS A CHOICE. Who would choose to feel this awful? It's a disease, and more power to those of you who can take antidepressants w/ good responses to them. Please try to make yourself believe that there is nothing worse about a mental disorder than a physical one. And try to get out, have people in, whatever it takes to be w/ people some of the time.

Amazingly, I've made more good and loyal friends sitting in my own living room than when I was still able to get out.

I try to weigh all suggestions and figure out which are useful.

I hope someting in here helps some of you, and I'd like to hear if any of this is helpful, but understand that I will not see the responses until Thursday later in the day.

SWEET DREAMS TO US ALL,

Sylvia

p.s. I am usually freaky about my spelling and such, NOT ANYBODY ELSE'S; I do not judge. But I do not have the energy to proof this message. So please forgive the errors.

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