Depression Support Group

Any advice? Has anyone been in a situation like this and found something that helped?

Thank you so much and sorry for the long post.

Sorry to hear of your problems. I am not a doctor but it sounds as if your husband is bi-polar. Living with someone with any type of mental illness is tough. But never blame yourself. Go on line and look up bipolar (I and II) and see if he fits the discription. It could be a starting point. Mental ilnesses are hard to treat. We have to use the trial and error method of taking meds as they all effect us in a different way.

Be patient. Good luck

Liam

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry you are going through this with hubby. It does sound like he's bi-polar and if I'm using the correct terminalogy it's called cycling (moving from one drastic mood to the other).

Since you indicated he's finally come to terms with the depression insist he see a doctor.

I pray you have a peaceful holiday week.

Big hugz to you and kudos for you for hangin' in there.

Ange

there are several to chose from he might fit with borderline being one his behavior sound like he is controlling and perhaps he is an antisocial or narcissistic personality.

you don't deserve to be abused like this and yes he is sick but you should watch out for yourself and children if you have any first and foremost

don't let him continue to hurt you this way

Depression is an illness. If your spouse had cancer would you leave. I hope not! It would be hard - extremely hard at times, but you would blame the illness not the person. I hate depression!!! It keeps trying to steal my spouse!!! I will keep helping my spouse to fight. And say a few prayers.

Hang on and reach out to support groups. There are support groups for the spouses too!

I have recently learned that all of us forget things at times. Some of it is as when a cop interviews 3 people a few minutes after some incident occurrs. He gets 3 totally different answers. Much of what we remember from our childhoods may or may not have happened, and may or may not be remembered in the same way by any two people involved.

Flubber, I am sorry for what you are going thru. I do not agree, however, that one needs to stay in an abusive marriage. As I used to say, there was nothing about abuse in my vows. Some Devastatedgirl's description is very close to my ex-husband's. Of course all those years ago there were not nearly as many types of mental illness as there are now, and most people kept from speaking of any medical problem. Sadly the same stigma still goes on. As I started to say, my husband was occasionally physically abusive, but I was young and naive, and there weren't PSA's on tv about spousal abuse and what to do. I also did not know that spousal abuse was so common. As I said, it wasn't spoken of. When my daughter was a couple of months old, my ex hit me and I fell over; my daughter was w/in a millimeter or being killed. He was never physically abusive after that - I told him, w/ more bravado than I felt, that if laid a hand on any of us again, we'd be gone. I had no means of earning enough to take care of 3 people. But he never hit any of us. The emotional abuse, however, got to the point where all 3 of us left him ranting at the dinner table while we were off crying.

I do not agree that mental conditions are like diabetes, which can be controlled w/ insulin. Mental illness can devestate whole families, and if the person who is mentally ill is not willing to get help, it's not fair to oneself or one's kids to have to be terrified just living on one's home. I didn't realize my ex's problem was bi-polar (called manic-depressive at that time); but I did say that there was something wrong, and he needed to get some counseling to find out what because if things kept gettins so much worse constantly, I would take the kids. My father died when I was 3. So I was doing everything in my power to try to get back on family-orineted footing. But he kept getting worse, and finally there was just no way for us to stay together w/o the 4 of us being absolutely miserable all of the time. I did, however stay close enough for them to see him on weekends.

Often if one cannot get a spouse who is in denial of any illness, the one who is making the suggestion can go to counseling and try to figure out what can be done, if there's a way to save the marriage, or whether it's time to quit before anyone else got any worse. My son told me a few years ago that his father ws dx's as bipolar, was on meds,and was much better to be around. Just don't ask my oldest granddaughter. She always came to me when she had things she couldn't figure out. She was 3 at the time. My ex did things to her when he babysat. Nothing sexual, and nothing bad enough for me to want my 3 girls stuck in the system. But I had long conversations w/ my Ash helping her to deal w/ what was happening and making sure she knew she did not deserve what was going on, that it was NOT her fault in any way. A few months later I asked her if Grandpa was still babysitting. She said,'Get w/ the program, Grandma. Grandpa moved to CA.' lol People occasionally ask me about him, and I cannot say anything. He could be dead for all I know, tho I hope that is not the case; but if it is, it could be years before I found out.

My children have cut themselves off from me and stolen everything I owned when I was illegally in a mental hospital, and the soical worker, on her own, and before I was even admitted, called my kids and told them to come and clear my aprtment 'cause I would not be coming home. By this time I had basically no relationship w/ either of them, but they were only too glad to have all of my belongings. She called them w/o my permission; and they spent an hour w/ my doctor who told them my mind was off from renal problems, not permanent psychosis of any kind, and the worsr that could happen is that I might need a few days help when I got home, but that I could definitely be comeing back to my apartment. If taking my things wasn't the deal, they never would have come. They spent approximately 20 minutes w/ me in two visits - the second one being for my signature for them to get into my apartment and take my things. I refused to sign. The social worker has somebody forge my signature, and she witnessed this. I had nothing for 9 days but jello, and my son would not go next door to bring me McD's so I could have somehing besides jello. It would have cost him about a buck and a half; he refused. Never mind the $500+ he took from my wallet - before throwing out the wallet I spent my whole life searching for. He also took a whole roll of postage stamps and about 45 bucks of batteries, not to mention the many things one cannot put a price on, and the pain caused by knowing my own kids could hate me that much.

I have no desire to see either of them, but I cry for my son's 3 girls every day; sometimes hust a few tears, but that pain, when included w/ all of my pain conditions, and the fact that I'm basically shut in in an apartment that's not mine (the kids took everything that made it so); I would have to see that at some point, if the household was as ours was for 8 years, and when he would not get help, I would have left. In fact, that is exactly what I did. He refused to get help; was back on the heels of more physical abuse, and the atmosphere was not healthy for the children. They both thanked me, when they got to their teens for not keeping them in the family home, but for staying where they could visit. They both said they'd have ended up hating both of us he'd we remained in a warzone.

Good luck to all of you in finding the best solutions for all parties. But I absolutely do not believe, if everything has been tried, that one needs to live in hell for years. There comes a time to say 'uncle'. Everyone please keep us inormed on how y'all are doing. We care. If any of you would like to talk, please feel free to PM me.

Warm welcoming wishes,

Sylvia

Peace,

Sylvia

There are many treatments available. The problem is finding the right combo. Usually, this is a long drawn out process.

However, many folks do find the right combo and go to live a good life.

There is never an excuse to live with an abusive person. Rather that person have a mental illness, cancer, or any devastaing disease no spouse or caretaker is obligated to live in a hellish situation.

No matter how much you love the abuser, no matter how sick the abuser is...that person has no right to abuse anyone.

Being sick is not an excuse.

Taking care of a loved one may involve feeding them, bathing them, even wiping their rear. That is a labor of love. Many folks have done this for a sick loved one and may do so for years. With no regrets they took care of a loved one's needs.

But...taking abuse from the sick loved one is not acceptable. It can literally destroy the caregiver.

Abuse is never, never acceptable in any situation.

I hope you fnd your answer soon.Hugs

I'm sure you feel like you will wake up from this huge nightmare but it continues, doesn't it? Your husband sounds exactly like mine. He blames all of his unhappiness on me and he looks to me for his self-esteem. All I can say is pray and don't give up hope! One day we will look back at this and think that this experience made us a stronger, better person.

My husband is getting counseling individually and we also go to marriage counseling together. We just started this recently and I am hoping for big changes in our lives. He is a good person when he is not verbally attacking me. Oh, and he has been unemployed for 3 years and takes Cialas so that he can get his physical needs met. Don't ask me why I am staying in this marriage. I just shake my head when I ask myself this question.

Post edited by: leasegirl, at: 08/12/2012 12:33 PM