Depression Support Group

After spending an entire week in the house and essentially in my bed(my safe haven like forever), I decided to venture out.

I am 46yrs old and new here on MDJ, what a gem. I've been struggling with depression for most of my life and remember bouts of extreme sadness and didn't have anyone in my family to share this.

My parents were emotionally unavailable but fed me well so food became a substitute for love. With adolescence came an interest in the opposite sex, so I dabbled briefly in a promiscuous lifestyle.

A combination of good luck and me being fairly carefull I was able to not get into serious trouble like a teenage pregnancy or drugs. I did smoke though and had a few alcoholic binges where I blacked out. I always had something driving me back then even though the lingering sense of sadness and often despair was my dark secret. I did not know how to tell people that's how I was feeling, didn't know that it was depression, or I think there was so much denial back then, even now.

Sylvia encouraged me to participate in discussions, so I'm telling my story.

I completed my nursing training, even did a degree, majored in english and psychology. The heavy burden of sadness always with me, a familiar but very unwelcome companion. My feelings always a secret. Never told anyone that I was feeling depressed.

I was so afraid of being needy and then being abandoned and rejected. That probably stemmed from being raised in a family that was emotionally unavailable for there own individual reasons.

Became a born again christian in my early 20's and lived a really 'churchy' life for all of 2yrs but then at 25 got pregnant with my first.

Fast forward, discovered that I was gluten intolerent and been more off than on a gluten free diet. Joint and muscle pain became a reality but discovered that during periods of being gluten free I would have no pain and even the sad cloud over my head would lessen and would be energetic and spend less time lying in bed.

So today I got out of the house cos it was the last day that I could pay my nursing council lisence fees. I am an RN. I loved midwifery the most and delivered many hundreds of babies over the years.

At the moment my bady is aching, walking hurts... Carrying heavy shopping bags for a short distance was so painfull. Havn't taken painkillers for a good few months cos when I rest a lot and lie down really still then there's no pain.

I'm so tired of the aches, pain, sadness, often wanting to just die cos I'm not coping. The stress and anxiety of living in the 'real world' has me retreating into my bed where it's safe.

BUT, I don't wanna live this way anymore. I wanna have courage, dignity and self respect. I don't want to have the fear of having an anxiety attack or the depression to take away anymore of my joy.

I havn't seen a doctor in a while, but I do take Citalopram for the depression, probably need to increase the dose. Also take Glucophage XR 500mg once daily to control the insulin resistance, it also treats the polycystic ovaries,, prevents enlarged cysts and ovarian pain. The polycystic ovaries also causes metabolic syndrome(hypertention, high cholesterol,weight gain, dysfunctional thyroid, fluod retention). So I also take Lisinopril combined with hydrochlorothiazide for the hypertention and water retention. But being gluten free seems to help all of the above.

I really want change and want to have true joy. I know that GOD has sent me to MDJ for healing and if by being here and telling my story to others will help them too then that's a huge bonus. Thank you MDJ and to you Sylvia for being an inspiration and a survivor. Thank you.

Snappy it is really nice to meet you my name is Viv and I am glad you have decided to come and share your story with us here at MDJ. You will find many of us here have had hard lifes along and way and still face many challenges. For me I am able to handle alot of mine through God and all the love I have found here.

I came to MDJ over 2 years ago wanting to just have someone to talk to who might understand what it is to be practically home bound in a wheelchair with depression and many other terminal problems. I found so much love and comfort here and 2 yrs later I am still here where I recieve love and comfort and can give back some of what I have received.

Sounds like with your gluten problem that is not helping. I know I have a friend who has it and she really has to stick with a strict diet and stuff or she is in alot of pain and so sick she can hardly go. Hopefully if it gets under control some you will feel better.

Depression is hard and we never know when it strikes how bad it will be or how long the battle will last. Maybe it is time for a med. increase for you. I know if I get really bad increasing my meds is about all that will help. So maybe you should try and see if that helps.

Just know you are not alone we are here for you. Feel free to talk and post and join in anywhere that is what our group is here for. Many blessings to you hun!

Thank you Viv for replying. I don't know how you manage having pain every day. My pain isn't there all the time and makes me feel weak and miserable.

My daughter has been tying my shoe buckles for the past couple of months cos I can't reach down.

Reaching all the nooks and crannies in the shower also a challenge and lots of twisting and turning, lol.

I hope that u having someone helping u, now here's the RN kicking in.

Yes, the gluten probably plays a huge role in all of this. Not been sticking to a gluten free diet fully since July so I feel stiff all the time.

I nursed a patient a few years ago with MRSA after cardiac surgery. He was in an isolation room and on heavy iv abx. I remember squeezing a pimple in my neck once and the next morning it was a swollen, infected sore that needed oral and topical abx. It was painful and took a while to heal. But for the most part it is said that antibiotic abuse causes these superbugs. And hospital acquired infections are the worst.

I'm feeling better just texting this msg,, It is after midnight, 2011 has just been birthed here.

Have a blossoming and blessed 2011. Both my kids are asleep. It's just us, the festive noises in the neighbourhood has died down now. GOD BLESS!!!!

After Several years of living and dealing with chronic pain you just learn you have to live the best you can with it.

Your so very welcome I am glad to have you here with us on the boards. I can only imagine how hard it must be to stick strickly to the gluten free diet. I hope in time you will get to feeling better.

Yes MRSA is a booger and so hard to deal with. Mine started in my lungs and I have had lesions on my skin several times and it leaves such a hard area to get rid of. I hate to have a break out so hard to deal with. It has been awhile now since I have had an open spot os that's good.

I Hope you have a good New Years my friend filled with Happiness,Love,Good Health and many blessings for you and your wee ones.

When you first started taking your depression med did you notice a difference? Perhaps, you do need to talk to doc about increase.

I had to increase my med (same as your's) after a few years. Then after awhile I had to add Deplin as a booster. It worked....very, very well.

Deplin is a prescription folate that has been proven to help fibromyalgia and boost depression meds.

My insurance paid for it while I was taking MTX but stopped when MTX was stopped. We pay $78.00 a month for it. It is well worth the benifits I recieve.

I am praying for you. Praying you find the right combo of meds to control the sadness. They are there. keep searching.

Gentle hugs

Hi Snappy, Welcome to the group. I too have always felt a sadness deep inside for most of my life. I wish it weren't so but it is and was. Even though my family was loving to me, I was still sad and as I grew and life circumstances I still felt sadness. I have a college education too and a master's degree, a family now of my own and yet there is still sadness in my life. I don't have any physical disablities so I don't know why I'm complaining most of the time, but depression and anxiety is a major factor. I know part of it is my brain chemistry. It's hard to cope with at times and the winter is the hardest for me. Hope you find understanding and caring support here with us. Share and post anytime. Warm welcome wishes, Rachele

@Bits... Hello and pleased to meet you,,, yes I do think it's time to increasemy meds... Very interested in trying Deplin but read abou some nasty side effects. What else do you know about it? I know a pharmacist so I'll also ask her about how to access it here in South Africa. Happy New Years.

@Rachele,,, pleased to meet u too... I started with a healthy eating plan today. My mood lifts when eating healthy and stay away from gluten and msg. I've been told awfull things in the past like, 'you have no backbone' when my lack of drive was really depression. People think that ur a wimp and a weakling and that's so damaging. I, for the most part still think badly of myself.

The chronic low self-esteem just perpetuates the cycle.

GOD has lead me to MDJ for healing and to meet others in the same struggle. GOD BLESS and happy 2011.

Hello snappy I am pleased to meet you. I am also kind of new to MDJ . I have been suffering from depression for a few years now but have only just recently started to seek out others who also suffer with the same problem I do. It sounds bad because I wish this on no one but I thank God for having people to talk to, people that understand what I feel. It really helps allot. I to believe God had a big part in me coming to MDJ and have also done other things in my life to help me survive this. I pray that everyone is healed from this. But also thank God that they are there for me.

Hello Shawn,,, Thanx for writing back. Being here @MDJ is wonderfull. It is amazing to meet people here and be able to vent. I am learning so much from everybody and extremely greateful for this non-judgemental community. Mental health is such a taboo subject out there especially with people who have never been depressed in there lives.

snappy, all the research I have done regarding Deplin has been positive results as far as side effects. Deplin has been proven to boost depression meds because it is the only folate that crosses the brain barrier. And many depressed folks have low folate.

I really can tell a significent difference in adding it to my Celexa.

When insurance stopped paying for it my doc prescribed a "like" med that cost $200.00 per month which insurance paid for. I tried it and within a week could tell it wasn't working like the Deplin. So, we went back to Deplin which I pay for.

It's a shame insurance would pay the $200.00 but not the $78. 00 after I stopped MTX. Seriously, the Deplin works so well for me, I just wish everybody could give it a try. It is also used to treat Fibromyalgia pain. I understand very effectivly.

Hope you have a good day dear.