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10/16/2010 01:57 PM

Too many meds-Im worried

BPB
BPB  
Posts: 801
Senior Member

Six meds-many of them cross overs because of lack of response but come on "6" I take a handful every morning and handful at night. Today is the first day I took the nighttime meds and I feel "hung over". No energy and just don't care!!! ANiamls got into my trash out on the back pourch and there is trash everywhhere and I could care less!!! Needs cleaned up but I need a couple cups of coffee to get the OOPH to do it. I made the mistake of leaving it on the pourch while i was doing something else and forgot to pput it in the can and now weeeeee what what a mess. Just feel like I'm stuck in cement and can't move. Dishes in the sink and the house needs cleaned and I just can't do it. Could barely brush my own teeth and run my fingers through my very short hair. Don't want o weat unless it's soup. I am so tired and the doctor and the therapist want to put me back into partial hospitalization 5 days a week t avoid another suicide attempt. Using coffe to just to stay awake and get some energy and that is barely working. My poor house is covered in cat hair and my animlas just "know" something is wrong. They will not leave my side. I want to drink or drug just to "feel" something-I feel dead inside. NO intesrest in anything-I can't even get horney anymore!!!!!! This is going on for on a year now just numb and no feelings. I can't even cry anymore-there just isn't anymore to cry about. I need a major change and it isn't happening as qwuickly as I would like. I guess I just need to just jump in with both feet and just "do it" and start over someewwhere else. What is your opinion? Help pleaseDizzy
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10/16/2010 02:31 PM
pajamapama
pajamapamaPosts: 533
Member

Hi BPB

I feel so sorry that you are going through all this. Did they start all the medications at once or add some to what you were already taking? I know it can take some time for the drugs to 'kick in' and some of the early side effects to disappear.

You mentioned that you have been feeling numb, with no feelings for a year. Have you talked about this with the docs?

I have many of those days where I just can't bring myself to do anything. Don't put too much pressure on yourself about the housework, take a few deep breaths and try to do something relaxing. I think you know that drinking or drugging is not a good option, it only ends up making things worse.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'do it' and start over somewhere else. If you could explain that I would really appreciate it. I was wondering if you have someone you could call to keep you company.

If you do have any thoughts of suicide, please call 911 or a suicide hotline in your area.

Remember we are here to listen and support so please post whatever and whenever.

Sending warm hugs, Pam

Post edited by: pajamapama, at: 10/16/2010 02:32 PM


10/16/2010 02:50 PM
BPB
BPB  
Posts: 801
Senior Member

Pam,

I meant that I just have to not think too hard about the move and just do it- I will be leaving 10 years of a life I have known and my gardens and my freinds and my neighborhood that I "used" to love. Now it is just ghetto and drug dealers and rippin and racin........ I 'm am a quiet peron and I can't handle the noise or the loud music or the fighting or the screaming and the traffic. My once nive neighborhood looks like a ghetto with trash everywhere and kids being unrulely and you can't say anything to any of them or you will have MOm on your ass, and they don't back you. I will not go the suicicde route again I made a contract with my therapist and my doctor that I would not do anything to harm myself or anyone. I'm just too numb to do anything. Everything feels like it is in slow motion and I can't just move it along. I move like I'm in wet cemement and it takes so much energy to do anything. Hell just brsuhing my teeth pooped me out this morning......... MY house needs vacumed and dusted and with a person with OCD it really bothers me that it is not done. I swear there is no suicide in my future been there done that a month ago and was pissed off as hell they brought me back with a shot of Narcan-was ready to go but not in the UNImart parking lot on the lot in mud. What a terrible legacy to leave my children......... This pain is that bad though and I have to get out of this place I am. Maybe with the help of my six little pills I'll feel better today was just the first day after the sinaquan increase and I am hung over badly and even coffe doesn't help just doing things mechanically.


10/16/2010 03:24 PM
pajamapama
pajamapamaPosts: 533
Member

Hi BPB

Must be sad to watch your neighbourhood go down hill. Sounds like a move might be a good idea, just have to figure out where and when and if the timing is right, I guess.

I am relieved to know about the contract with your drs.

I can understand the 'walking in cement' feeling. I have fibro, CFS, anxiety and depression. Finding the right medication is really a problem for me and all these changes and side effects seem to have knocked the starch out of me. My daughter and grandaughter both live with me. So my daughter takes care of a lot of the day to day stuff, thank heaven I have her. The house isn't the way I would like it to be, but I am slowly learning that things can't always be perfect and accept that sometimes 'good enough' is good enough. I find it so hard dealing with the difference between what I want to be doing, and what my mind and body allow me to do.

I honestly can't imagine having OCD and then not being well enough to make things the way you want them. You're really being pulled in two directions which must be tough.

I hope things take a turn for the better for you. We're always here to help.

Hugs, Pam


10/16/2010 09:54 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Carol, glad to see you posting again. I've missed you. I too am relieved to hear of your contract, but if you ever have the urge, just remember 1 800 SUICIDE. That's the national suicide hotline - which Pam probably doesn't know 'cause she's in Canada. I also have depression and a number of physical problems. Some days are harder than others. I was talking w/ my aide the other day and realized that I have outgrown my OCD. Used to be if I so much as wiped up a spill on the floor I couldn't stop until the whole house had been cleaned. I got divorced, and when my younger child was in k-garten I went to work part time. The next year it was full-time. I still had to take care of the kids, run errands, keep the house clean, cook, spend time w/ my kids, and somehow make room for myself. I knew that something had to give, and the only thing not totally crucial was the housework. I learned to live w/ a lot of dust. When it got to the point where friends were writing messages in the dust, I'd do some dusting. When I hit my limit on the carpeting, I vacuumed. The kids stacked the dishwasher and washed the pots, and we all cooked together, which was fun and, of course, instructive for them. I think at that point I was honestly free of the OCD I never realized I had. lol

Back to you, Carol - you've had problems w/ neighbors and the neighborhood since I've known you. I know it's hard to do anything right now, and I feel that way a lot of the time; but I think if you found a quieter, more safe place to live you would feel better. I can't stand noise, and fortunately live in a very quiet senior/disabled 20 unit apartment complex. I moved 13 times in the 8 years I was married, and what I finally realized in that situation was that by moving so much, nothing had a chance to accumulate. My motto became 'when in doubt, throw it out' because I didn't need more crap to pack and move.

Maybe you can make yourself a sort of loose schedule. Put on things like read apartment or house ads; pick up some boxes; pack one box w/ stuff you can do w/o until you finally move and unpack them. Or if the cleaning is your main concern, do that in steps. Since it is an apartment, you'll have to clean it in order to get your deposit back anyway, so cleaning would be useful. I don't know what your other goals are, or what is involved w/ your moving. But we make ourselves suffer so much by trying to do more than we are able.

Maybe you can make a list of priorities, and then pick one item at a time, finish it (even if it takes a few days - think how good it will feel to draw a line thru that one goal), then move on to the next.

You know where to find me, my friend. I'll give you a call soon, but not at 12:44 a.m.

My Teddy is praying for all to work out for you and sends gentle bear hugs.

Warm loving wishes, Sylvia


10/17/2010 07:45 AM
BPB
BPB  
Posts: 801
Senior Member

Sylvia,

Good to hear from you!!!! I know it's been awhile since I posted but I am recovering from that shoulder surgery and typing hurts. I saw the pys doc on Thurs evening and she agrees with me that I have been on this Pristiq for over 6 mths and still no major result and I am at the max dosage so the doc ordered Prozac as a "cross over" drug but I am also on Sinaquan for at night which is also an antidepressant. Usually in the past I got good results with the Prozac and I am praying really hard that this is the one that does the trick. What bothers me is I am now on 7 meds and It makes me feel like I am realy sick. And I guess I am considering my "swan dive" last month. The increase in the Sinaquan is making me feel groggy and "hung over" during the day and I have to learn to let the dust accumualate and the vacumming go. I tend to run in spurts then I am pooped! I actually laid down yesterday afternoon and took a nap which is SO unusal for me. The lasck of sleep is due to my racing brain, worry and my shoulder. Been off of the pain pills for over10 days and I refuse to take any more of them-they just create a blue cloud of fog in my brain and all I want to do is lay around and do nothing so I pitched them. Right now I am dealing with pain with Advil. The days of my PT is rough and I tend to be very sore on those days so I take my Advil and put the ice on it but I also know it is going to be a rough nite. I did sleep last night=that Sinqual knocks me right out. My Father called me last night and I talked openly with him, he stated that if I can find an apartment he will pay the security, the moving men, and any desposits required for utilities-WHAT A SWEET HEART!!!! SO as you can see I am not stuck as much as I thought I was. Still movin gis stressful and a chores I would rather not do but I talked with my friends last night and they are willing to help me. And like you said if I can't use it I'm getting rid of it-no sense in taking it with me. I am starting this week to pick up boxes and start washing and wrapping up my stuff I don't use and ptting stuff in an ODCD organized way. I have plenty of room here and i don't have to look at boxes just leave out the necessities. I also am going out this week for apartment hunting and try to get out of this ghetto before the snow flies-that would be such a relief on my part and starting over excites me. There are too many memories here 10 years of rasing kids and grandchildren and they are no longer here and it is time to go. There is an influx of new tenent moving in that are not desirable and that includes drug dealers, families that fight and kids that don't respect others' property. I refuse to play police officer and then have to deal with the repercussions of that. There is nothing in this little town I live in not even a grocery so I need to find something within walking distance to all my errand runs-perferably closer to my children and grandson. I am excited just alittle scared to make the actual move-does that make sense to you? As long as I am here behind my closed doors I am safe but out there it is going to be new and scarey. I am such an enigma!!!!! Your'e an amazing woman and I appreciate your post and was so happy to see one from you this morning. Hugs, Carol


10/17/2010 04:27 PM
SepC
SepC  
Posts: 426
Member

Sorry to see your feeling like this B. I know we have all been there, or currently are taking so many meds we look at them one day and think how did we get here. All I can say is just keep your head up and realize you are being treated for medical conditions and this is what you need to do for yourself now. Imagine if you weren't taking anything you know? Hope this helps...

10/17/2010 06:50 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Carol, WOW! What a quick turn-around. I'm impressed w/ your suddenly getting ready to find a place where you won't feel so 'stuck' for lack of a better word. Being excited about moving but still a bit afraid? I absolutely understand. I have moved so much in my life, tho the last 5 were all in the same area; just different sized apartments when the kids were still home, and then finally moving into the senior/disabled subsidized development - and even tho I'd like to be on the first floor, I do not have the strength to move again. My car insurance would pay for packing and moving, but movers don't UNpack. Maintenance changed all old carpeting in every unit but mine a few years back. I said I'd rather live w/ old carpeting than do basically what would be required for a move so they can take out the furniture to lay the carpeting. There's some white paint that dripped down one wall of my living room when a little hole was patched. I thought they planned to blend it somehow. Turns out the only thing they can do is paint the apartment. I thanked the maintenance man and said I'd live w/ the white on sorta-grey. Same reason as carpeting.

Before my divorce, many of the moves were long distances. I looked forward to every one w/ trepidation. While my ex was in the Army and then grad school, I knew when we'd be leaving wherever we were, and I was almost afraid to make friends because I have such a hard time leaving friends. Turns out that, in addition to that being a common phenomenon, the feelings are harder to deal w/ because of fibro. Strangely I always ended up w/ one friend from each place w/ whom I corresponded after I left. Unfortunately, all of those friends but one died very young - and each had lupus that took too long to diagnose so that there was nothing that could help them. But along w/ the dread of leaving the people I met was excitement at getting to start over in a new place that was clean and ready for us to move in and make it ours. So, yes, Carol; I know just what you mean. A suggestion that may be helpful depending on your financial situation. In all the moves since my marriage ended, I was basically broke. So I had to use all the stuff that had been moved so much it was worse than I could have gotten from a thrift shop. But each time I redid the bathroom. It doesn't cost much for a shower curtain, a countertop set, and a few little things to put on my shelving. So I always had one room that was new. Just a thought.

Besides the feelings involved, w/ a move comes hard work, and that work is a pain no matter what, but so much worse w/ disabilities. I used to say I was so used to moving I could have all of our belongings packed and ready to go in a day. And for a long time, I could. But now it would take weeks, if I could do it at all. I do not envy you that part; tho if I could get to you, I'd help as much as I could. I was lucky that I usually had friends to help w/ the heavy stuff.

I don't remember if you ever told me what your relationship w/ your father is like, but I take it it's not wonderful if you were so surprised at his offer. No matter the reason, I am so happy for you that you'll have that help. Moving is (duh) expensive. I was lucky in that my bro paid for my last move. He said it made sense (another duh?) to move from a place that would have evicted me in the next month because I had no money for rent to a place where the rent is based on my income. He said since it made sense, he'd pay for the move. I know what a load that took off my mind, so I know how that feels too. Actually, I'm not sure there's anything involved w/ moving I can't relate to. A moving man making passes at me w/ my husband in a different room, the movers being a couple of days late leaving us w/ two kids in a totally unfurnished apartment, filing claims for things damanged, and my very favorite - when we came back from Germany in '73, my ex finally had enough time in grade for the Army to pay for the packing and shipping back to the states. The movers drank beer and smoked all during their packing. When we got settled in and started unpacking, we found half-full beer cans carefully wrapped and packed along w/ full to overflowing ashtrays. If it's involved w/ moving, I've probably experienced it. Now I hope I am here until I'm nowhere.

But from what you've said, I don't think you have any neighors you would miss, and if you do, you'll be close enough to call. (I guess?)

So sorry about your shoulder. I hope it heals quickly and properly.

Talk to you soon,

Sylvia


10/18/2010 09:27 AM
pajamapama
pajamapamaPosts: 533
Member

Hi Carol

Thats great that you are going to be able to move. Moving is no picnic, but it will be oh so worth it when you get settled in a place you are happy in and can feel safe. Thats great that your Dad stepped in to give you a helping hand and you've got friends to help with the actual move. I couldn't be happier for you.

Hope your shoulder eases up soon and that the Prozac helps. Everything sounds like its going in the right direction. Good for you!!

Hugs, Pam


10/18/2010 10:13 AM
BPB
BPB  
Posts: 801
Senior Member

Thanks everyone for the kind words and I so long to hear from all of you. My Dad and I are very close although he lives far away we stay in touch by e-mail everyday and by phone once a week. He has been here in my neighborhood and he calls them the "projects" but what they are are townhomes that were built back in the 40's for mill workers and they are row homes. Not much in the privacy department.And with the influx of "new" people it has gone downhill fast. There is graffitti sprayed on the brick sides of the buildings, trash everywhere, and just ignornat assholes abound. I tend to mind my own business unless it comes to my property because I don't want any repercussions. I do have a few good friends on this street and I will miss them very much. One lives next door to me and she is 72 and hell on wheels and you just can't stop her-hope I'm like that at 72. Then there is a group of 20 somethings down the street I have taken under my wing as kids and I enjoy them very much-they tend to fill the void of my own kids and they look to me for motherlly love and advise. They I will also miss but I am not going to be that far away that I can't come and visit or they can come and see me. Going to spend alot of time later today on Craig's list looking for apartments that take animals cause I WON"T give up my cats-they are my saving grace and love me unconditionally unless it's feeding time LOL. The increase in my Sinequan the past two nights has left me groggy and hung over during the day and I feel heavy and slow but I am sleeping and got 7 hours last night and I don't look like Night of the Living Dead anymore. Just got back from the store and I am making Jambalaya for me and the kids down the street for dinner. I love to cook and I love to cook for people who love to eat my cooking. So far today is a good day. No eviction notice yet but it will be coming I just hope I find something quick. Need to start looking for boxes to start packing the stuff I don't use and throw away the stuff I don't use at all. But yes I am excited and I am looking forward to starting over as scarey as it is-a clean slate-a blank canvas to re-start over. Thank you all dear friends for you love and kind words. I think things are going to work out and I will keep you posted especially with the frustrations of moving LOL. Hugs, Carol
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