Depression Support Group

I'm 26 and I've met the most beautiful, loving, smart, and funny (among other wonderful things) woman I have ever known. We've been together for two months this coming Thursday.

Early on we talked much about anxieties and fears concerning being with one another. In the past six months however, after getting out of a two year long, toxic abusive relationship my anxiety and depression has hit new highs.

The comfort, trust and realization of my new interests patience and understanding has led me to be a bit of a drain on her I believe.

I'm failing to allow myself to experience the happiness and love she has to offer. Thursday and Friday of this past week both resulted in arguments over silly things. Both spurred on by my insecurities. The last one resulted in my leaving and not staying after several weeks of being with her nightly.

I'm sick of being selfish, and sick of being controlled by negative feelings and irrational thoughts when I KNOW I have someone in front of me I can depend on and in my eyes love for life.

I feel regret and sadness for dragging her into my misery. Deep down behind all this I am a happy, loving person and ready to share that joy for life. I am indeed in love.

But I find myself so hung up on the what if's...

What if she's not faithful.

What if she becomes sick of me.

Etc...

I spend so much time worrying. And that leads me to feeling miserable. To top it off she's got some very legitimate stress concerning her wonderful 4 year old son (who is not doing so well with listening), school and a potential job that could be a lifelong career.

She's supportive but also honest. Friday she let me know I'm taking a toll on her. I can offer this wonderful person what she deserves but it;s so hard when my mind is clouded with thoughts and fears I could personally do without. We have decided to limit our time together for the time being. Mind you I have been seeing her daily and just spent my week long vacation with her.

When I feel down I have a tendancy to bring down those around me. And I did that to her this week. I made her an accessory to my moods.

On July 1st my new insurance kicks in and I intend to get some help, counceling, therapy, meds whatever it may be.

I'd like to find a way to cope. The best I can do right now is just dismiss negative thoughts and replace them with happy thoughts, all the things about her that make me happy, the things I have in my life to be greatful for etc...

But it's just so difficult. I was back to work today. I managed to maintain some focus and tried my best to think about all those positive things.

I spent the evening with her watching our favorite show and got some quality laugh and cuddle time in. It was perfect. But leaving to come sleep alone in m own bed was quite difficult.

I want to be able to be me and not be consumed by things conjured in my head. I want to be happy and experience life and her as I know I should be...

Why should accepting happiness be so hard?

You spend too much time worrying. Worrying about things you cannot change is unhealthy. I am guilty of this and am working on it. You are bringing her down it sounds like and that is not a good feeling as you well know. Try your hardest to put yourself in her shoes right now. How she feels when this is going on. You love her, show her the love and accept the love that she is giving you.

I am happy to know that your insurance will be kicking in and you can get the help you need. Therapy will help greatly along with meds. Hang in there until you are able to get this help. Flood yourself with happy and funny thoughts. Think about how you want to be and try to feel it. I hope you find peace real soon. Hugs

Post edited by: Joy75, at: 06/13/2010 09:19 PM

I think I fully understand I'm at odds with myself. In all honesty I probably should have taken the time after the last relationship to work on myself. I just so happened to meet this wonderful person...and I refuse to let someone so good go. But that sounds selfish in and of it's self.

I have actually been in her shoes. I can't fathom how I could ever do the same to someone. I know what it's like to be subject to someones constant insecurities and doubts. I tried so hard today and it paid off...it's just so hard.

If I can just accept her love and be accountable for my feelings and deal with them like an adult all can be well.

BUT

Is it fair for me to have done this to someone? Is it fair for me to stick around when there is potential for many more bad days? It crushes me to think all this could go to waste because of things I worry about, things that have not materialized and probably never will.

I want to be able to honestly say I'm just going to do this one day at a time from here on out. But that's been so hard for me in the past.

As far as 'doing' this to someone else, if you explain your depression to her and tell her that you are going to be getting help for it, and she really loves you, you're not 'doing' anything to her. You'd be asking her to work w/ you w/ eyes open because she will know what you need from her. Then she can make rational decisions based on this info.

Good luck. Please let us know how things go. We care.

Best, Sylvia

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 06/13/2010 09:57 PM