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03/24/2010 04:15 AM

i love my depreesed partner but should i stay

littletee1
Posts: 10
Member

hi all,

im at my wits end,ive been with my fiance nearly 4 years now and have 2 teenage girls, problem being is that he is so depreesed and will not admit this neither will go to doctor for help,before we met he was off work for sometime with depression and did a bit of self harming, there is history of depression in his family. Day to day living is heavy as he plays on line poker for most of the day and night only coming down for his tea. He will drink about 6 cans of stella and maybe a couple of glasses of wine usually coming to bed in the early hours so this has a knock on effect resulting in getting up late. On saying all this he is the most loving guy ive ever met and love him to bits but my needs are just not met. i run the house myself, look after the girls and generally on my own most of the time. I give him 100% support but just don`t know what to do anymore. We talk alot and he says things will chage eg: poker but it doesnt.

can anyone help pleaseSmile

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03/24/2010 06:22 AM
justynap
justynap  
Posts: 14
Member

My BF is depressed. I know how you feel and what you are going through. I have been so tired with it sometimes and God knows how much his depression gets on my last nerves.But I have started educating myself more about this illness and mostly how to deal with it not losing myself in all that. It is a very hard work, but remember it is not him who doesnt love you and care about you. It is depression that consumes his emotions and drains everything out of him. If you are interested I can give you the name of a great book, how to deal with it, how to talk to him and how to help yourself not to get lost in all of that. I must say, each time i read it, I feel much better as it gives me a very positive kickSmile

Justyna


03/24/2010 07:50 AM
slamm311
slamm311  
Posts: 7356
VIP Member

Littletee, great job with being his support! You might want to read the posts that I answered of Justynaps today. They may help you. Hang in there and keep on being the kind person that you seem to be!

*Hugs and Love*

Jenny


03/24/2010 09:20 AM
littletee1
Posts: 10
Member

thanks, i have and still am reading up on depression and yes your right when you read about it you do get more possitive energy from it. I am a possitive person but of late it all seems just too much. How do you know when enough is enough?

03/24/2010 09:59 AM
slamm311
slamm311  
Posts: 7356
VIP Member

I think your heart will tell you when enough is enough, but also remember that God will only give us as much as we can handle. You are stronger than you think. If you know he can be the one for you once he gets help then I say stay, but it's your decision. Everyone is different. Do what's best for you. Best of luck and keep us posted.

*Hugs*

Jenny


03/24/2010 11:23 AM
mitzigirl
mitzigirl  
Posts: 14104
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Hello Littletea it is nice to meet you. My name is Viv and I am glad you found our group. Sorry to hear your fiance has depression so badly. It is a hard thing to deal for the person living with the depression to the person like you trying to live with a depressed person. I firmly bleive if you love him enough in time you guys could have a good relationship but he does need to seek some kind of treatment. And yes it does run in families. Alot of time esp. with men and with some women to they don't want to go to the doctor and say they have depression because they then feel they are labeled with a mental illness. When in reality there are lots of people even famous people who has it and its nothing to be ashamed of. It is no different seeking treatment for it than it would be high blood pressure or anything else. Maybe the more you read up on it and try to talk with him he will come around and get some sort of help that he needs. With you backing him I am sure it will be easier for him to deal with.

The question How do you know when enough is enough? Ask yourself if life would be better compeltely without him in it. WOuld you be more happy with him not around. And like Jenny said God will never put more on you than you can handle even if it feels like it. Many blessings to you!


03/24/2010 03:07 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Littletee and Justynap, welcome to our depression group. You both sound like very caring people. I'm glad that you found us and hope that we can help.

Justynap, it sounds like you've found something that is helping you, and you can always come here for support. I hope things get better for you. Unless you don't want to post it for some reason, it is ok to post the name of the book that's helping you. If you do post it, there are many others who may be helped by it also; but it is your choice.

Littletee, I am sorry that you are going thru such a hard time. Most people w/o depression wouldn't have stayed as long as you have. I agree w/ Viv that the major question for you is if you'd be better off w/o him in your life at all.

I'm also a bit curious. Where does he get the money to gamble online if he's not working? Or did I miss something and he's online all night because he does work during the day? It sounds to me like he has an addictive personality - the drinking, the gambling and such.

Please know that you can't make another person get help. He won't get help for anything until he realizes and admits that he has problems. Those who say they'll change just to please someone else (like his telling you that he'll stop the gambling) are very unlikely to change. He has to want to do it for himself.

I hope something in there was helpful. We are here for both of you. Feel free to post anytime and we will do what we can to help.

Good luck to both of you. I hope things improve.

Warm welcoming wishes, Sylvia

Post edited by: Sylvia4648, at: 03/24/2010 05:12 PM


03/24/2010 03:53 PM
justynap
justynap  
Posts: 14
Member

Here is the book worth reading: "When someone you love is depressed" by Laura Epstein Rosen

03/24/2010 05:13 PM
Sylvia4648
Sylvia4648  
Posts: 5177
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Justyna, thanks for sharing that. I'm sure there are a lot of people here who will benefit.

Best, Sylvia


03/25/2010 02:42 AM
littletee1
Posts: 10
Member

thank you for your support, i don`t feel on my own anymore, as regards to the poker playing he plays with the winnings he has won and sometimes uses money from joint account but i have wised up to that so he is not now allowed a bank card now. Its only like £100 per month that he was using so not too out of hand, but your right he is addicted. If i say dont go on your lap top he does not know what to do or to say, its as if he doesn`t have a personality. Last night we had a chat and he agreed to not play all night but part of me wanted him to play as it would of been easier, its as i actually feels better when he is not around????????? i love him to bits because when he is himself he is so sensitve and makes me feel loved, but i think emotionally on a day to day basis ive now become independant?????:

very confused x x x x

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