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01/14/2012 08:52 AM

I do not know what to do anymore

Kyra74
Kyra74  
Posts: 158
Member

Hello everyone. I have not been around much lately. I was dx with fibro last year. At first my primary dr thought my pain was caused from depression. After trying depression medication, and the pain getting worse, she referred me to a rhumetologist who dx me with fibro. We tryied tramadol, gabepentin, Lyrica and numerous other things that did not work. I wound up at a pain clinic. They were the ones who ordered an MRI and when my tumor in my cervical spine was found. Very quickly, they rushed me to surg. I barely had two weeks to prepare myself for all possible outcomes. When I woke up from surg, I could not feel anything from the chest down, but from the chest up, the pain was worse than I could have ever imagined, and I could do nothing about it. I was and am still thankful that I do not have to be on a ventilator for the rest of my life or even worse, not make it off the table. I am recovering some sensation, what seems like very slowly, and I am very thankful that I can walk even without any feeling in my feet and legs. So why am I still so depressed? Why can I not get my pain under controll? I feel like my freedom has been taken away. I can not drive, so I have to ask my family and friends to take me places thet I used to just be able to get in the car and go, like to the grocery store, the dr office, even to work. I am only back to work part time right now, and by the end of the four hours I a am so wiped out , I don't know how I am going to be able to work full time again!!!!! The Cymbalta does not seem to help, the pain meds only take a little of the edge off , and my pain dr says that once I develop a tollerance to the oxy, there will be nothing else she can do for me. I feel like I have lost my independance, and I know I should be thankful for my wonderful family and being able to walk, and that I can work part time. But all I want to do is cry. What is wrong with me?
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01/14/2012 10:43 AM
Moiaddy
Moiaddy  
Posts: 448
Member

I'm so sorry you have had to go through so much....I can't understand why you are back to work...under these conditions. Did the doc mention anything about water, massage or physical therapy? A tens unit? Anything to help you through this besides drugs which will stop working eventually? What about counseling....in my experience its better to see a psychiatrist versus a therapist because they have more authority if you go for disability...

It's understandable for you to be depressed, upset, confused...your whole life has had a major shift and it appears it will be shifting for some time as they need to figure out the numbness and everything...please look into some counseling to help you through this...

Also, know that we are here for you...and I will keep you in my thoughts and send you energy...

Gentle hugs...


01/14/2012 07:37 PM
Kyra74
Kyra74  
Posts: 158
Member

Thank you for the reply and the advise. I am seeing a therapist and I do pool therapy 3 times a week. It feels good in the water, but it does not last. by the time I get home, I am in just as much pain if not more. I hope therapy starts to help soon.

I did not have much choice to go back to work. My husband does not, and has not for years. In order support my children , I have to work.


01/15/2012 04:00 PM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4153
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Kyra74 I know words can sound so empty. I read and was moved by your post. I'm just an old idiot, but I do have some thoughts for you to consider. In my humble opinion, you sound like you don't get why the medical procedures don't make you beam with happiness considering they are at least a small miracle. If you did feel that way, I would almost want to warn you of the depression to follow.

You are the victim of an attack that has altered your life forever. Sure, you weren't raped or beaten or the victim of a home invasion. The fact that no crime defined in our legal system lists you story as a crime means nothing. You are the victim of "outrageous fortune" (forgive me Hamlet). Everything that has made up the world as you know it has been changed to something you barely recognize any longer. Your hopes, your dreams and your body have all been violated. If you were not depressed, I would be shocked and I would want some of what you're taking! Unfortunately, this will not change back to where it was. You know that and voila, more depression.

You really need this therapy. It is anything but a weakness. It takes incredible courage to face the truths in our lives and that is a part of what therapy does. It can also offer hope you never dreamed of before. Right now you are grieving for what was. While I despise most pop-psychology, the stages of grief currently recognized are the best I've seen so far. Please Google that. You will find the stage you are in called depression. Surprise!

Look, I'm just an old fool, but I want you to benefit from some of the things I have experienced. My most fervent wish for you is a long and rewarding life. You are so much stronger than you think. Please PM me anytime if you wish, but beyond all else, come back. You can always cheer up by laughing at me!


01/16/2012 10:50 AM
Kyra74
Kyra74  
Posts: 158
Member

Dear Kildare56, Thank you so much for the reply. I am going to continue my therapy for as long as I need to . My therapist is such a wonderful woman. However she is going to be gone for a month and a half, but everyone here is so helpful and understanding, I know that I can always turn here for the most compassionate people . Today has been a day of pain, depression, and tears. But I know that things will have to get better. I have to be the one to take controll of how I respond to set backs. I am so glad I have your support. Everyone here is so wonderful, I do not know what I would do without you.

01/19/2012 07:04 PM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4153
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi again! I just wanted to check and see how you're doing since you last posted. Can't have you thinking we forgot about you!
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