hi!

I am divorced, My ex is BP. I have five kids, and I am a restaurant manager. I am trying to figure out why I have a need to be the control freak in some situations, and the doormat in others. My BF that is living with me now, had drug addictions, and tells me he has quit all that. So I spend so much time and energy playing policewoman, going through his things, trying to catch him in lies, and it drives me nuts!!!!! He is a grown man, but I have to get him up in the morning, take him to work...I get half his paycheck, but end up buying him his cigarettes and beer a week later cuz he is broke. I am definitely not happy, and the silly thing is, I think I like being miserable, because I wont make him leave, as I feel responsible for him. My unhappiness has got to be making him miserable, I blow up at him all the time(mostly when I am policing his activities)Does that make me codependent?

Its a relief to find somewhere to vent to, my friends are getting tired of hearing me, and usually reply with the "get rid of him if you are unhappy"....

He is a really nice guy, and he tries, I think I jumped into it too quick, and now I feel obligated. I may just as well call myself an enabler as well as codependent. I should not feel responsible for him, and he is an adult, there is no reason why he cant go out and get a better job, or work two, to support himself. And yet, I will continue to make excuses for him, such as he helps around the house, helps with my kids....but all of which I did on my own before he came along.....

One day, I will figure it out

A relationship in my opinion...changes over time...making good choices allows it to change for the better for both people...hugs,,,Norma

This site is good therapy.....its like exploring my feelings, and verbalizing what I already know in my heart and in my head. And having someone there to guide me along.....thanks!

A thought struck me...it bothered me that he is saying mean things to the kids about you...I had a therapist help me with a similar problem. My husband's ex wife hated me...and my step-daughter was being so pulled by her to hate me too...the therapist said when her name was mentioned to change the subject...just do not discuss her, or her problems at all in front of step-daughter. If the step daughter brought her up...be polite and listen to what she had to say and then just change the subject. AND NEVER SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HER IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. This was hard to do because she called the water company and telephone company a couple of times and had them turned off!!!! I laugh about it now but, it made me mad then...

So, just worry about you...and making your life happy now...the past is the past...

Wow! 5 kids and a restaurant manager too! I am sure you never have any stress, right?!

Glad to have you here! Norma is right - worry about you and making you happy! You don't need to take care of a grown man. Another thing I have learned is that although I feel SO responsible for my fiancee and try to take care of everything, the truth is that he CAN be responsible for himself and he WANTS to be... so I have just backed off and let him do that. It also holds himself accountable for his actions...

And like I have always said, everyone has their limits of what they will and will not accept and that is up to all of us as individuals. And also, we all have so many chances we are willing to give other people in our lives. If you give chance after chance to somebody, and they keep disappointing you or hurting you, eventually you will come to a point where you have no more chances to give that person. You've reached your limit. And you never know when you will reach that limit, but when you have reached that limit, you just know - there are no more chances to give!

Sorry - I kind of rambled on there!

Anyways, welcome again to the group - we are here anytime you need to chat~

Thanks for the welcome! I'm so glad to have found a place where others can relate to what I am going through. I feel like a preacher with him, when it comes to his habits. I have my kids who I am trying to set a good example for, and how can I teach them that smoking pot is unacceptable, when they can see him coming home high sometimes. (My oldest is 14, and thank god she thinks pot smoking is disgusting). I had to holler at him the other day, because I went to work, and he was drinking vodka in the afternoon, with my kids home. And although he is an adult, and drinking is certainly not illegal, it is an issue for me when my kids call me at work and say he drank half the bottle. I've tried to tell him that his "legal" indulgences should be kept away from them. I drink, but I dont usually pour my glass of wine until they are getting into bed, and if I do decided to have more than a few, they are sleeping and have no clue.

Sometimes I get so worked up over things like that, especially when I am working, that it makes me furious, and I get to the point that I am shaking from being so angry, and I know that is not good for me.(Plus I get nothing done at work But I sometimes wonder if my need to control his actions doesnt come into play there.....

You are right, and just like with your fiancee, I should let him be responsible for himself. He will never learn to take care of himself if I keep doing it for him....

And a good friend once told me, "When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will get out." And how true that is, everyone has their limits as you said. Mine is coming soon.......

Thanks for being here, this is a great place!