Co-Dependent Personality Support Group

I'm 21, male, and a rising senior in college.

On paper my life looks almost perfect.

Everyday is an extremely difficult struggle. I can barely even talk to anyone anymore. I can't even articulate what I wnat to say aobut myself in this post.

I have no sense of myself...physically, emotionally, or mentally...I'm just some entity that constantly feels miserable. Around people it gets even worse. I can see that I have a body and I can see "myself" in the mirror but it just doesn't feel real. My codependency is so bad that I also have depersonalization.

I have 2 sisters and neither of them exhibit what I experience...they're assertive, non-people pleasing, social people.

But I have been a doormat all my life. I have lived with the constant fear of making even the tiniest mistake. I have never felt emotionally connected to another person...even my family...I've never felt love or anything towards them...just anxiety and anger.

On paper, everythign about my life looks fine: played sports, did well in school, had "some" friends, and even had a girlfriend...but I never enjoyed or "felt" any of it/did any of it for myself...it was just a response to anxiety or fear.

So I was trying to think of where this codependency misery comes from since literally EVERY symptom of codependency describes me to a T! And I rememberd that my mom's brother committed suicide pretty soon after my 1st birthday. I knew they were very close and I could imagine how difficult it must ahve been for her. So after doing some research on attachment theory and codependency in general, I came to the conclusion that she was very emotionally unavailable for me probably for at least a year...and that did tremendous damage to me emotionally.

I was never abused physically...but i know that my dad kind of lived through me.

Regardless of all this shit...I know I can't live like this any longer. There's no reason to continue living this way. I have 2 paths: either I continue going this way and die young and miserably or I do whatever it takes to get back to myself...somehting I've never experienced.

And I rarely ask for help on this but tryign to do this alone for the past 2 years being obsessed with self-help everyday really hasn't done me much good other htan awareness.

I really need some help and support.

Thank you so much. I look forward to being a part of this community.

-KingTut

Kingtut:

Hey sweetie - It breaks my heart to read what you wrote - that you feel so alone inside. We can all relate to each other in some way. About 3 years ago I was at my bottom. I didn't know who I was anymore, felt empty as you described. Being around people was about the worst torture I could have thought of. Suicide sounded like a pretty good option except that I couldn't put my children through that. Reaching out to others is STILL a difficult thing for me - I find it easier on this site.

It is work to get out of that hole and the biggest problem is how to? You feel like you know where you want to wind up but haven't got the road map to get there. What I found is just to practice being good to you. Do what is good and healthy for you. At first it might suck but the more you treat yourself with love and respect, the more you will love and respect yourself. Kim's suggestions were great. Don't look too far ahead. If you project that you will feel this way always, then it will be hard to tackle this. Think about today - what can you do today to help yourself? The small successes add up. I love what Kim wrote - Hold on. Pain Ends. It truly can.

You may or may not find the answers as to how you got here. I figured out that as a CoDA I am drawn to addicts. Marrying my sex-addicted (didn't know about that when we got married) started my downhill spiral. He was controlling, jealous, and sometimes belittling. I love him so much I just took it - he was so great, I must deserve it, right? I had to save myself and risk losing the marriage to get where I am. I still have a lot of work to do but am pretty much at peace with myself and happy.

Feel free to PM anytime!

Hugs,

Redwood

Co dependancy can be very selfv consuming. I never knew i was one until i went for therapy for my own issues.I realized when my dad died at 12 yrs old and my mom passing me to one family member to the next because she could not cope raising me without my dad. It created abandon issues and fear of rejection. Every relationship id do whatever they wanted because in my head i thought if i keep them happy they wont leave. After 3 failed relationship and had to end few friendships to to it i decided i needed help to find myself again and do healthy changes. I had to let go of a few people because they did not like the fact that NO MY NEEDS come first and if not then leave my life.

My worst fault which is also my best quality is that i love helping those who need help. I basictly was alone with no support most of my life andv i try to give moral support to those who need it. sometimes my hubby has to tell me MJ you cant save them all some need to do it on their own time. I used to make myself sick emotionly over trying save people like myself. Now that i did find balance my life is much better. As long i keep journaling and keep touch with ME then im fine but as soon i get caught up in someone else pain i need to learn that they have to make the footsteps all i can do is show them the tools to do it.

As far relationship now i am who i am and will not become something im not just to have you accept me and love me. I love who i am today and took me years to find myself. No one will ever take that from me. Tim the best supportive partner ive ever had he notices changes in me when my co dependancy kicks in and help me keep myself grounded.