MDJunction - People Helping People
 
Ask a Question
04/06/2008 06:40 AM

Why am I always considered Co Dep?

dstclair1415
dstclair1415  
Posts: 56
Member

I have a very rocky marriage, My husband has a very awful past and has lied and cheated on me several times in our 10 year marriage, We are seperated again for the 3 time in our marriage, He is trying to get help and I have to tell you I never in our 14 years together have never felt unlove by him. He alway very wonderful to my face and to our children. It is when he walk out the front door is when I have to worry! That said, I am now seeking some therapy of my own to try to figure out what I need to do, But I feel like everyone including my councelor feel like I am Co-Dep. I love myself I feel I am a great person, I can and have managed finacally on my own, I have my own friends and my own life outside of my marriage. I also know I will be A OK with out him. But I still want to turn over every avenue before I leave for good, I want to help my husband and I want to see him better, I know my children need him and adore him. And All in all I know he needs us. So I am wondering why all the time everyone thinks I am Co-Dep. because I have not left him? I have been called that most of my life and I guess I cant see it, so it is awful hard to change something that you dont see. I am wondering if I am looking at it in a different way then the way I should, I talk with my concelor and he dont really answer any of my questions, just asked me more? I dont want to enter in to my marriage again with out figuring this out and It has been months and I am still stumped.

I am not a person to demand the results I want, But also would not listen to any one demand results of me. Everyone says you need to to demand the respect from him or move on and I am sorry but It just is not that Black and white, there are children, there are step children there is alot of other factors that keep me in this marriage.

Can anyone shed any light on this, or maybe waht I am not seeing? I am Open to hearing anything and trying to figure this out.

Thanks D

Reply

04/06/2008 10:06 AM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

Your right none of this is ever just black and white. Unfortunately you have to make a decision that is either stay or go. I did read some of your other posts and can see why people are telling you that you might be codependent. It has to do with wanting to help too much and feeling responsible/sorry for him to the point that you are sacrificing yourself for others. Its a fine line that divides loving someone and needing someone. Marriage depends on commitment and commitment depends on being able to get through the hard times, which is a good thing. You just can't be damaging your own self esteem and self worth for someone else, no matter how much you want to help them.

People probably wonder why you put up with his cheating, which is not a bipolar thing, they all don't do it. They all might be impulsive, which is bipolar, but they all don't cheat. Just like they all don't get violent or do drugs or spend money unwisely. The cheating is something to do with his self esteem and his umpulsivity (which is bipolar) just feeds it. He needs to work on the feeling he has as to why he cheats and then he won't. He has to want to control himself, there is no excuse for cheating. As long as you give him an excuse (bipolar) then he will continue, to allow him to continue is dependent/enabling on your part.

I was engaged to someone who was bipolar (at least that is what I believe). It is very hard to separate what is bipolar behavior from just bad behavior. I had loved this person very much, I have good values in that I believe that marriage is forever and that you have to work on it. I know that hard times are a fact of life and sometimes one person has to put in more than the other, but there should be a balance. I too was constantly asked why was a choosing alife that would be difficult, since he will not get any better. I had to admit eventually that I was codependent on him, as he needed me and I needed to be needed. It was a vicious cycle that I had to excape from for my own sanity even though I felt horrible for abandoning him. Over time though I did find out that he did not get any better for any of his wives (he's on the 4th now). He'll stay as long as you put up with it, put your foot down to see if he really loves you. He will seriously get help if he does.

I'm glad that your husband is seeking help, that is a good sign, but is he seeking it to come back or because he has accepted that he has a problem that HE needs to address? Have you tried counseling, they can help you see if you are codependent or not. I personally believe you can work it out if both people want to, just don't let him continue with the behaviour he had in the past since now you both know it's unacceptable. To let it continue would be codependent/enabling on your part. You both have to change your thought processes to make a better life for both of you and your children. I am a hopeless romatic and believe that things can be worked out if you are honest and open about how you feel. Just don't allow someone to drag you under emotionally - then it's time to go or you are being a fool.

You mention the children. I'll ask this delicately...are you using them as an excuse not to face the fear of the unknown (on your own without him). I think in one of your posts you mentioned possibly not finding another relationship. Children deserve a life that is free from stress and all the bad stuff that comes along with it. You said yourself you don't want them to suffer and they might be better off without him in their lives if he can't start to control himself. You are right here. I don't envy your decision, I know how hard and heartbreaking it is.

The bottom line is you have to decide that you deserve better and demand it. The ball is then in his court, he had to decided how important you are to him and CHOOSE to work on himself. Then it is worth the work that is necessary, as it will still be hard, though not as difficult.

Good luck to you Smile

Post edited by: Lilibit58, at: 04/06/2008 12:10

Post edited by: Lilibit58, at: 04/06/2008 12:11


04/06/2008 12:07 PM
dstclair1415
dstclair1415  
Posts: 56
Member

Thank you so much for your thoughts, you give me alot to think about, I think bottom line is that is what is best for me is not best for my kids. You know how they say 2 happy homes are better then one bad one. Well our home is a good one when it is fuctioning, but I am afraid that if I left him he would not continue the help and then I will be forced to send my children everyother weekend and holidays to a disfuctional home, one where I have no say in what they do or see and that scares me to no end, My Husband is a good man and is trying to get help, I think a little for me and the kids and a little for himself. You are right I do want to fix him and he has hurt my self esteem. But I still do love him and want our marriage to work, I think when I say I am afraid I will never find someone, I mean someone that is in my head that perfect person, all my friend and co-workers they all talk about their problem with thier SO and most times I think Ill take my problems over thiers anyday, and I wonder am I just going to be exchanging one problem for another? My husband is a good father and since he got on his Meds and is doing conseling he is an even better father. I worry that I will be ending my problems but creating a world of them for my children. I feel like there is no right answer and have been stuck in this middle for way to long. I am to afraid to move forward with him or with out him.

04/06/2008 02:59 PM
carmen33
carmen33  
Posts: 8702
VIP Member

I believe D, you need to find out who you are before you can hope to move on, littlebit is right, your need to be needed and to fix him is what probably causes most to see you as co-dependent. Right now, I am feeling very much like you are, do you move forward with or with out him, it's a very tough decision to make, made even harder with Children, but if your husband is truly wanting to get better, he will with or without you.

Sometimes when we love a person, we have to love them enough to let them go, with mine I see the need for him to heal and to grow, he's just now starting to try, I have no clue if he is truly wanting too, or doing so just to shut me up and get me off his back, I hope for his sake and for the sake of our marriage, he is serious.. I love him enough to let him go if that is what it takes for him to take his path to healing.


04/06/2008 07:52 PM
dragonfly2catch
dragonfly2catch  
Posts: 541
Member

ok i am confused on one hand you say how wonderful he is then you say you cant trust him with the kids ok that is where you become codependant as well you want control of everything including him and that is not healthy but that stuck out to me like a sore thumb when i read that i also caught the kid situation, you dont think your kids know whats going on i mean the stress and the fights you might have? kids are so misunderstood yes all children want mommy and daddy together but at what price do we sacrifice their true happiness and funtional housing for something not healthy i know im a lil harsh here but when i read your post you said you wanted honesty and well i do that..i am also in love with someone bipolar and have been through alot as well we are in counseling and meds are the last resort for me if that dont help im gone and im pregnant with his baby 6 months and we have a total of 6 kids 2 are his and four are mine so i know your pain trust me...but i had to get help myself to help the kids..be blessed:~dragonfly

04/07/2008 05:08 AM
dstclair1415
dstclair1415  
Posts: 56
Member

I think when I said he is wonderful to us, it is like what I said earlier when he is with us he is wonderful he is a good father and husband, but when he walks out the door is when he becomes another person. and then I usually find out and we dont fight as much as I tell him to leave and he will but he will then do everything to get back in. Like now he is finally admitting he is sick, he went on meds. and is doing conseling. I think that is why he alway does just enough to make me not leave for good. You are right I do always want to fix him, He is one of those that he is 50% good, 50% troubled and it does scare me that if I leave he will end up in serious trouble and I always think that where will my kids be then? I know eveyone says that kids will be fine and i know I will do everything to make sure they are. I think the problem I have there is I dont want to give them up everyother holiday and I know I will never ever be able to handle another woman playing (step) mom to my kids it would tear me to no end. Not that I am disagreeing with you, I am just trying to understand, but why is wanting to help and fix your love and your family, mean that you are Co-dependent? I alway take care of myself and have never put my self last. I know who I am, I just dont know where my life is heading. Everyone tells me more forward, find yourself, I guess that is where I get confused because I know who I am and never disliked who I was and I have alway accomplished the goals and dreams I have or had. so I dont quite know what everyone(family and friends)mean? Sometimes I think they are telling me to go out and find a new life? But I like my life other then the 50% of trouble in my husband? I dont know if this all makes sense? I guess that is why I am here? I want to fix him but because it is what is best for my family and for me? I am sorry if I sound confused I am. I feel like everyday and every hour I have a new emotion and a new confusion.Thanks for listening.

04/07/2008 09:36 AM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

I know you want to fix him, but really you can't, no one can but him...and he has to want it for himself. Of course your confused, this is a hard disorder to deal with, I left because I thought it would be best for him in the long run. I had to stop taking responsiblity for him, it's not my job.

As for the children, I can give you my experience as a child of a disordered family. My father was an alcoholic, not violent, but you have the whole mess to deal with. When they were separated he decided to come back for my sake, my mother was rather emotionally abusive and neglectful to me. He stopped drinking, got MS and was home all the time. He realized that there was something wrong with my BF at the time. I of course didn't want to listen. But eventually, I had to admit he was right and left my BF, there is one conversation I had with my father where I called him a fool for coming back. Since my mother was no better to him when he stopped drinking than she was before. My father choose to change himself for himself and for us, she didn't. I hope your husband chooses to look seriously at himself and realize that you and the kids are important, if not it is really in the kids best interest to not witness the drama. What I will say is this when my father was on his deathbed he said to me that I was right, he was a fool. Just don't be a fool, make him take responsiblity Smile


07/18/2008 01:37 PM
PF123
PF123Posts: 7
New Member

What a really tough decision you have. And I am not going to pretend I know the answer, because I don't.

The only thing I see is your maternal instincts are crossing the line where your husband is concerned. You want to fix him for all the right reasons, but the problem is He has to want to fix himself and in some other realationship, some other person might like him just the way he is. I think the best guage you can have in this case is, "is this the best example of a loving relationship and home I can provide for my children."

I wish you all the best.

Reply

Share this discussion with your friends:


Disclaimer: The information provided in MDJunction is not a replacement for medical diagnosis, treatment, or professional medical advice.
In case of EMERGENCY call 911 or 1.800.273.TALK (8255) to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Read more.
Contact Us | About Us
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 MDJunction.com All Rights Reserved