Co-Dependent Personality Support Group

Hello everyone my name is lee and I belive I am Co-Dependent I have been reading a lot about it and I have a lot of the things that fit me well..

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

I label others with my negative traits.

I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.

I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.

I have difficulty making decisions.

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."

I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.

I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.

I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.

I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.

I perceive myself as superior to others.

I look to others to provide my sense of safety.

I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.

I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.

I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.

I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.

I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.

I withhold expressions of appreciation.

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love.

I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

I make decisions without regard to the consequences.

I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

I demand that my needs be met by others.

I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.

I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.

I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.

I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.

I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.

I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

From what I have read I fit everything about what co-dependent personality is.....

Now what do I do--- I have a therapy app. tommrrow and I am going to bring this up in order to see where I go from here, what I can do to help it and whats in store next for me

As well I have panic disorder,Lupus,anxiety attacks, and mild agro. I am on disability for it as well..

Hi Lee:

I am so happy you have joined us. That's a long list! So many of those same qualities I felt that I had/have.

Sometimes it is such a relief to say, "Ah ha! I am codependent, that's why all these feelings". Then comes, the "Well what do I do with it?". Just like all recoveries, it's just one step at a time and one day at a time. I don't think I knew I was recovering (although I knew I was working pretty hard at it) until I felt better and could see it retrospectively.

The things that have helped me the most were my therapist, MDJ and reading books (like the ones by Melanie Beattie) on the subject of codependency. Others have found a lot of help in groups like CoDA.

Do you think your codependency stems from childhood?

Hugs,

Redwood

I just read this I will make sure to check out the book I love to read and learn thats how I over come things is working things out.... I have looked up CoDA mettings the closest one to me is like 300 miles away lol.... but maybe one day I can lead one here when I over come these feelings

I KNOW my problems are mostly from childhood pretty much raised myself, cared for by my sister, beat and raped by my step father, and my mom knew about it the whole time and is still married to him, then I did drugs and jumped from one asshole (sorry) to the next so yeah pretty much everything I have been through, did to myself, and went through lead up to well what I am now which is not a bad person but a messed up one tee-hee

Lee

Wow. Reading that list definetly sends alarms off in my head. Lol.

Lee - So I guess you got the message loud and clear as a child. Children need to be raised in an atmosphere where they are treasured, valued for who they are, and protected. It doesn't sound like any of that was present for you.

A lot of what you said sounds familar in my childhood - physical, sexual, emotional abuse taught me that I was only loved when someone else could get something out of it. I felt that no one would ever love me for me and that I didn't even deserve it.

It's a lot of work to undo all these old thoughts in our heads - to go from "I am unloveable" to "I am loveable just because I am me". We have to reprogram our thoughts and emotions and love the child inside us that didn't get it when they needed it.

Redwood

oh yeah and I am learing more and more everyday why that was harmful I always knew of course it was not healthy , and it was wrong, and that it was raised wrong but I never really understood what that meant everyone always wants to talk to me about it in therapy and I always left that therapist cause I was tired of talking about my past but this book I am reading helps me understand that I need to work through how that made me feel about the past everyone always wants to hear about it but never really wants to figure out or work through what that means for me

I think part of the key is to figure out what you "learned" about yourself as a result of the abuse. I felt like I wasn't as good as others, not as smart, not as pretty, not worth what others had. I felt like men would only want me for my looks (I know, makes no sense when you don't think you are pretty enough) and that I had no value other than that.

So now I am in the process of unlearning that. I have to reprogram what I believe about myself and everything else will fall into place. It's also helpful for me to identify what my triggers are. Being left is a trigger, anger can be a trigger. As I become healthier, these triggers don't have the impact they used to, but they haven't gone away all together - I don't know if they ever will completely.

ty for sharing your issues, leandrat and welcome to the group.

I wish I had been there sooner to greet you.

Carol

Hi Lee. We've talked over in the panic attack group, but welcome here. You've always got place amongst us.

I attend three fellowships CoDA, SAA, and ACA. It may help you to look into another fellowshipe ven if CoDA is not available. Many groups deal with Codependence as a part of the addiction. Likewise, a very common trait of Adult Children of Alcoholics is Codependency - ACA and CoDA have some very direct overlap.

For me the most important parts of getting started were Tradition 3 "The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships." If you want to work your recovery you can do it from anywhere by any method that works for you. "I am only an expert on my own recovery and I am the only expert on my recovery." Another very simple slogan that I check in with every day.

There are many great ways and methods to heal: therapy, groups, books, meditation. It's all up to the individual. The hardest part for me as a CoDA is that I want to heal others and others to heal me. I've found for me it doesn't work like that. For some people "Fake it until you make it" is inspirting for me it's shaming. My recovery as been about finding what works, keeping an open mind, and not being afraid to walk away from things that hinder my progress. "Take what you can leave the rest"