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12/21/2010 08:50 AM

Help with no contact

esquire
Posts: 39
Member

Hi all,

Lately I have had this overwhelming urge/desire to contact my ex. I just feel like sending him an email or a text telling him I still love him. It's that feeling of if we love each other, what is the problem? Although obviously there are issues with the relationship.

Of course I know this is a horrible idea, and all my friends and family told me to NEVER talk to him again, but it's soooooo hard to resist this urge to try to "fix" things.

Does anyone have any tips on how to control these feelings?

Thanks!

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12/21/2010 09:32 AM
4uwisdom
4uwisdom  
Posts: 51
Member

I can relate going through, withdrawals myself...I called my ex today. I tried not to give advice or show my need of them...I rather choose positive words (I'm proud of you, stay encouraged, I'm praying for you) and leave everything else out.

As Redwood said to me in a chat one day...I can't do anything more, unless we both or willing to change. So if I mess up and contact them, I just leave self out. If there is an achievement on their behalf, I will give the positive feedback, but not let the contact benefit my need or enable them to control me.

If there is no improvement, I rather keep my mind distracted, not isolate myself… keeping the atmosphere going with good friends and support groups.

I have friends that make me feel bad about still being in love with such an horrible person, but no one knows the invested time… we put into them and what brought them into our lives, it may have turn bad or sour for some reasons, but it's those memories that are haunting us the most, that deep desire. As the say about weight… it takes a while to get on you, the weight doesn't come off overnight. We have to retrain our minds and thought pattern daily with guided support, a daily renewal, a daily commitment, and if we fail, we get over it, pick up where we left off and try again, we go through the valley as a learning experience, we are not there to stay in that awful pit. Through it all we become strong for the next experience…the next level.

We can make this journey easy as we continue to support each other… Remember I am here.

Post edited by: 4uwisdom, at: 12/21/2010 09:45 AM

Post edited by: 4uwisdom, at: 12/21/2010 09:47 AM


12/21/2010 10:04 AM
esquire
Posts: 39
Member

He broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago, hasn't talked to me since. I haven't really talked ot him except an email to ask for some things of mine back and telling him how wrong I thought it was of him to dump me in an email (I called him a coward). Got no response. He probably will not respond if I contact him, but I have this overwhelming desire to at least try. To let him know I love him, to ask if we can work things out. The last thing I said to him was telling him to never talk to me again because I was so angry, so I'm wondering if I should make contact and let him know I just said that out of anger and I still love him. But it's probably best for us not to be together. I'm torn. I don't know what to do!

12/21/2010 10:27 AM
4uwisdom
4uwisdom  
Posts: 51
Member

It's best that we communicate those thought to our sponsors and support friends.

When we approach or contact that ex, we practice not letting them control our emotions or thoughts. We do the opposite...no matter how hard it is or how it hurt, we don't let them see our anger, our tears, because then they control our emotions…we keep our peace and excel after the contact is over… if we are not strong enough, we shouldn't contact them at all, but find other distractions. The only person that should be in control of our emotions as far as I'm concern is God or myself … believe me I'm still working on that.

You should not apologize for how you felt…just don't let him see your weakness, stay in control…if we don't...that's how we loose our true Identity.

Sometimes we have to keep those words we love you, in a special place in our hearts because that ex and others who try to control us, they will use that as a weapon to manipulate and hurt. Until they are willing to truly work with us, for true progress...we keep those words I love you and how we really feel...in our hearts, communicate with our support groups and write in our journals to release. Then we don't have to worry about those words we say and the regrets.

Post edited by: 4uwisdom, at: 12/21/2010 10:40 AM


12/21/2010 02:45 PM
redwood
redwoodPosts: 1120
Senior Member

Sometimes if you just "put it off". This works for quitting smoking, dieting, and it can work for not contacting exes too. The finality of quitting smoking, never eating anything good again, or never speaking to our ex is sometimes overwhelming. If we can just not do it now, then sometimes the urge passes.

Hope this will help! I haven't been in your situation since my biggest CoDA relationship was with my husband and we are still together.


12/21/2010 05:21 PM
JonesFallsX
JonesFallsX  
Posts: 430
Member

Esquire,

You're the only expert in your recovery so I apologize if I'm going to far by saying this. It doesn't sound like you've resolved to not speak with your ex. It sounds like you're still deciding if you want to make that decision. There is nothing wrong with that. Only you can decide to speak to someone or not speak to someone - if trying to speak will be helpful to you.

Before deciding what to do and how to proceed I'd do some soul searching. Figure out why it is I'm still wanting to contact him and then ask myself if that desire is realistic or in line with your movement forward. There is no reason why detachment MUST be cold turkey it depends on each situation and what we are trying to accomplish. I think figuring out why you still want to speak will help you decide what to do next, and keep your resolve with that decision.


12/21/2010 10:17 PM
Blonde26

esquire, I officially suck at no contact. Every time I say I'm not going to contact him, I contact him. So here's my advice. Just from personal experience, I think your first contact in 3 weeks should not be an "I still love you" message. He probably won't respond to it (it could push him even more away), and then you'll be hurt if he doesn't answer. If I were you, I'd make your e-mail/text/whatever about a subject he enjoys talking about. A good way to get my ex to respond to me is if I contact him about UFC--he's a huge UFC fan. So if I message him about a fighter or upcoming fight, I get good results. If the conversation turns to our relationship, he shuts back down again.

Having communication with your ex (especially with guys like ours with deeper issues) is like trying to get a wild animal to eat out of your hand. Approach it slowly, and don't make any sudden moves or loud noises. HA!


12/22/2010 06:26 AM
esquire
Posts: 39
Member

Redwood- the putting it off method does work, if I can just refrain from doing it when the urge is strongest (I've found this to be mornings when I wake up and he is not there, especially since I have been dreaming about him a lot).

Jones- for me, I know that I probably should not contact him because of how he treated me and because he is not healthy for me, but he's like a drug to me! So I'm fighting this battle between my head and my heart and trying to let my head win, even though usually I go with the heart.

Blonde- that is really good advice. I was figuring with my ex, an "I love you" would have 1 of 2 reactions- either nothing or he would be so happy I still felt like that and say it back. He desires to be loved and feels like no one but me has ever loved him, so I was thinking that maybe he is in that state now where he is desiring that love again, and hearing that I still have it for him would inspire contact. But that is probably not the case, because if that is how he was feeling, he'd likely at least make some effort to get in touch with me and feel me out for how I am feeling about him, which he has done before. Your approach is a good idea, but I'm just afraid he will see through my desperation and see it as a ploy.

I have been putting off any contact until I talk to the therapist I made an appointment with tonight. I'm hoping she can tell me what is the best/healthiest way for me to proceed.


12/22/2010 11:27 AM
redwood
redwoodPosts: 1120
Senior Member

Esquire - I am glad you have made an appointment to see a therapist. Mine helped me SO much.

Blonde - I have to respectfully disagree with the approach to contact him and keep the topic to things that he is interested in. Here are what I seee are the pitfalls:

- When we try to "make something happen" by saying or doing "the right thing" we are actively controlling the situation. This is bad for us. It ends up making us feel caught up in the craziness and keeps our thoughts whirling (the CoDA spiral).

- We are allowing the interaction to solely be about the other person - this is the behavior that got us into trouble in the first place (and I definitely own this one, I was "the perfect wife" because then he would never leave me, right? It almost killed our relationship).

It is so important to start to remember who we are and what matters to us - and most importantly to believe that we deserve to have what we need. I never used to ask my husband for anything. I did everything for him - that was my life - it revolved around what he needed. Guess what? Just like a child who is given everything, he became spoiled and demanding. I taught him with my actions that he deserved to have me devote my life to him and he didn't have to give anything in return. AND I became resentful of not having any of my needs met. Guess what we did last night? We sat on the couch and watched a movie and he rubbed my feet. ahhhhhh There was a time I could not have allowed myself 1 1/2 hours to sit down much less allow him to do something nice for me without reciprocating. I am getting much better at letting others do nice things for me and it improves relationships!

Take this time to stop focusing on him and focus on you. Who are you? What do you like? How do you want to be treated by others? Esquire and Blonde you both seem like intelligent and loving people - give yourselves a chance. You have to teach people how to treat you.

Love,

Redwood


12/23/2010 05:59 AM
Talkinqueen1987
Talkinqueen1987  
Posts: 759
Member

As you all probably know, when my bf and I were broken up, I didn't contact him. It was hard and there were times I wanted too but I didn't. I did the "put it off" technique, I also just really focused on me, and tried to stay busy as well. The worse times was right before bed, because that is are usual "talk time". Instead I would talk to a friend, read the bible, go on here, read a book and other things. If you feel like you should contact him (by the way great job listening to your gut!) Then try not too. Contacting him may be giving him power, that belongs to you!

It will get easier. Hope the therapist works out!

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