Co-Dependent Personality Support Group

i agree with sparks

Me too- she is brilliant!

Sparks - it takes a really good Mom not to draw their children into the problems between parents. No wonder your sons love you so much!

MRoberts -

Holy moly - no wonder you are a CoDA! You have been abandoned by everyone who was supposed to take care of you. Now you have to not abandon yourself. You deserve to have someone look out for you, and right now the only one you can count on is you.

You really are taking great strides to become your own person - not an easy task after what you have been through. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Everytime you do something to make yourself stronger, or prepare for the future, you are healing. It may not feel like it, but that's exactly what you are doing!

Wow - I am impressed!

Red

Thank you.

Mroberts, my heart breaks for you, i thought my childhood was hard and that i had a lot to deal with.You have been through a lot and are still going through it, you must think life stinks and that when are you ever ging to get a break.

You have started your first step by coming here and pouring your heart out, isnt it nice to know that there are people out here who care for you.

It sucks that you have no job, hopefully you will get a job soon and then at least you can be finacially secure for yourself and sons and not have to rely on your husband. I was just thinking if you did separate for a short while could you not make the army deduct so much money from his wages and sent to you.Its not your problem that he only has so much money left every month. If its that much of a struggle for him let him move back to the barracks coz im sure the army will look after him with food and accomadation. You are the one left with the responsibility of the children so insist that he has to give you money if hes awkward go to a solicoter. Why should he have it all his way, hes the one that caused all these problems NOT YOU.

Mroberts i truly think from what i have read in your posts that if you get away from your husband even if its just for a break that you will then feel the benefits of not having to live with his drama.

We are not her to get couples to split up or encourage it but i firmly believe us CODAS need space to think what we need to do to help ourselfes.While we are stuck in the drama we will carry on trying to fix things, or always feel angry sad and very depressed. Thats why we need loads and loads of space to be able to breathe on our own.

I am thinking of you xxxx

It's great knowing that there are other out there that will listen without judging.

I've changed my own attitude over the past few days. I think I fell backwards once, but I just continued to be more positive and think about the here and now with my boys. Since I had an appointment this morning I played along with my SO's mood, so that he would not stay gone all week-end and leave me struggling to find a sitter for our boys. I avoided asking too many questions and only spoke to him when he seemed receptive to conversation. When I returned from my appointment he actually asked how it went and complimented me on my look (a first in a VERY long time) and he also asked what I planned to do today (something he is never concerned with). I still kept a smile on my face the whole time and waved to him as he left for the afternoon.

Just before he left we were watching the movie "Why did I get married 2" and there's one character that neither of us can stand. I made the mistake of saying "you have to admit, I'm not a pyscho as her", his response was along the lines that I still remind him of her. I didn't say anything to that, I just let him walk out the door. Several minutes later I sent him a text message though and told him it "would have been nice if he kept that comment to himself, because I am trying hard to change my own faults. have a good and productive day. we will be here when you get home later. xoxo" I decided to try the Kill 'em with kindness routine.

Mroberts its seems to me that you think he has you over a barrel"you played along with his mood so that you werent left with the struggle of your boys over the weekend". That must be a hard pill to swallow having to humour him in case he just walks a leaves you alone with the boys.

Is this the way it has been all through your married life humouring him and his moods.

Wow i did that to and eventually it took its toll on me and i ended up the one with the problems.

Taking a break from the relationship and going to a good counciller also being here with my friends that i made has shown me there is more to life than putting up with another person just because we had children together.Iv discovered i have a life to.

I would love if i could give you a bit of the peace of mind i have, there are days when i get down and feel lonely but the good days out way the bad days

Mroberts its seems to me that you think he has you over a barrel"you played along with his mood so that you werent left with the struggle of your boys over the weekend". That must be a hard pill to swallow having to humour him in case he just walks a leaves you alone with the boys.

Is this the way it has been all through your married life humouring him and his moods.

Wow i did that to and eventually it took its toll on me and i ended up the one with the problems.

Taking a break from the relationship and going to a good counciller also being here with my friends that i made has shown me there is more to life than putting up with another person just because we had children together.Iv discovered i have a life to.

I would love if i could give you a bit of the peace of mind i have, there are days when i get down and feel lonely but the good days out way the bad days

Nah, I wouldn't say he has me over a barrel. As far as me going along with his moods, it was more for my own sanity. Yes, I needed him to watch our kids for me this morning so I could go to an appointment, but I refused to create a conflict where normally one would have been created. I chose to have a positive attitude, instead of being hateful and resentful when I woke up.

Unfortunately, I can not afford to leave right now. I have an appointment in 2 weeks to get on a better anti-depressant for myself and to get a referral to a therapist, so I can work on my co-dependency issues. Just realizing that I am co-dependent has given me a lot of strength in the past week. Knowing that the way I respond to his moods/episodes really has an affect on me and my boys and I need to change ME because I can't change him.

I am not begging him to stay home or fighting him when he wants to leave. I am making my own choices and plans without him. Of course because we still share a home and are not divorced, there are some things choices I have to include him in on. Since we only have one family vehicle I have to make sure we both do not need it at the same time. He has been very accomadating lately.

Per my mother's advice, be polite and happy. Then when I am ready to leave he will never see it coming and I will have had time to make proper arrangements. Hopefully, I will have a job soon and can start saving some of the $ to afford to leave him. My mother will help me get a vehicle when the time comes, so long as I get a job and repay her for the loan.

Also, my SO is military and he does not want to take any benefits away from me. He still wants me to have what he has. He also said he still wants me to have his G.I. Bill so I can go back to school. And he said he still wants me to be his beneficiary should he deploy and something happen. YES, little things like that make me confused. Somewhere inside of him, he still cares about me. NO, he is not well and that's something I am no longer going to try and control.

Good for you, you have a plan and you know what you are doing and from what i have read in your post its a good one.Yes that is how i felt when i found out that i was coda,at least when you get a name labelled to the way we bahave we can try and start doing something about it. Its a long journey but it is worth it in the end.

Istill have to keep my guard up in case i land myself in a place that is not healthy for myself or my son.

My ex comes to visit our son every evening and at the moment he is stable with his meds. If im totally honest with you there are times when i find myself looking at him and wondering will i take him back and give him another chance, this is where i have my guard up and i say nothing to him,my thoughts run away and i have these rose tinted glasses on again.im still dealing with abandoment issues. Yet it was me that decided to end the relationship. I think in my head i still want the family unit.I know it wasnt a healthy one that is why i have to stay strong and be on my own