Co-Dependent Personality Support Group

This morning I woke up to a bed that was wet. It was wet because my Husband had wet the bed from a night of drinking. He didn't come home until 2:30AM and when he did wake up, I was crying and he told me to leave him and that I didn't have to be involved with him anymore. He also said that he was going to continue to get drunk and that I needed to get gone and that I couldn't save him. I told him I wasn't trying to. I believe he was still in a semi-drunk state and he was just talking smack yet, why can't I leave him?

I feel so replused and disgusted with him when he is drunk like that and then the next day he will clean up and look handsome and then it's hard to resist him. I might need to keep the vision of his alcohol stuper in my head to be stronger. I just don't know. At times I feel so weak.

I am very angry right now because I'm so tired of my Husband staying out late at night, coming in stumbling drunk, urinating in my closet on my clothes, missing the toliet, wetting our bed and most of all driving drunk which is risking everybody on the road.

I need to be stronger faster and I feel upset at myself because I am unable to just walk out the door right now, today! I should and I know deep down inside of me I should. He didn't even give me the rest of the money to grocery shop this week. He appears like he is getting worse each day and it seems like I do good about thinking about myself and then.... I get like this.

I wonder is there any kind of way to have him committed?

Hello princess and you are very welcome. You have it tough there with your husband, i was reading a few of your posts and the advise they gave you was spot on HE WILL ONLY GIVE UP WHEN HE HITS ROCK BOTTOM. Do you have anywhere you could stay for a while like a family member, just until you get your own self sorted out. Its hard to think clearly when we are in a difficult situation, but if you can put some space between yourself and your husband i think this would help you.

I suppose you are the one that has to change that bed also clean up any other mess he might have created.

We become as sick as the alcoholic by trying to make everything ok, but we are just wasting our precious time bc no matter what we do, ie cry, get depressed, beg,they will not listen, i dont think its bc they dont love us but drink is there first love.

Are you going for any councilling bc this can be a hard thing to deal with on your own.

Just remember you have a choice and dont have to take this crap from anyone even if he is your husband.

We are here for you no matter what you decide.

love sparks xxxxx

hey princesskimc welcome your story sounds all so familiar the wetting the bed thing and in the closet my sister went through it all!!! and guest what she left him and soon after he gave up drinking because he know he had lost it all, keeping in mind an acholiic is always in recovery so never are they cured but he has been off it a few weeks and in confident he will stay clean for long this time!!!! next time she will leave for good!!!!! please be strong now for yourself and go hun u are worth sooooooooooo much more and he might just see that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow Princess - do you feel the love that is here? These women are the best. They have helped me through so much and they have so much to offer.

It sounds like he has made his decision - of course I am speaking from the outside, but it sounds like he is choosing the booze over the relationship. That is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine what it would feel like and I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

Sparks has a good point - can you go to a family members even temporarily? You don't need to think about leaving today - but it sounds like a break would be good for you.

Hang in there Princess - we are all here for you.

Redwood

I feel so cared for & loved by all of you that are so supportive of me. It takes tons of weight off my shoulders to know there are others that care about me.

I wish I had family members here. In September of last year my Mom died, in November of last year my Step-Dad died, my Daughter is in the Air Force in New Mexico & my Son is leaving in 2 weeks to go off to college. All of my friends have moved away to other states. It's very lonely here. I am also a Minister. I preach, do a radio show, travel to do conferences, etc. I will even be going to Pakistan in December to do missions for 2 weeks.

Being in ministry has also allowed me to feed the monster of codependency because it's a serving position. Always helping, praying, counseling, preaching. Plus, being in ministry, you can't really reveal the absolute pain, hurt & loathing you feel. I pray to GOD to help me & I will say in complete honesty, He has. GOD has brought wonderful new friends into my life like you!

I do go to counseling & she helps but, it's me who is the culprit. I'm the one that can be so strong in business, rasing my kids and minister yet, so messed up on the inside. It's really ironic that I didn't know I was messed up until I married my Husband. Every since that incident happened, he has been home every night after work and acting ok. But, tonight is Friday and it could be party central for him? I did speak with his Psychologist about the sleep walking situation and the overall situation I'm going through with my Husband. His next appt. is next wednesday & the Psychologist wants me there! I'm starting to feel like my Husband has so many complusions that it's gonna take decades to get him together. Once I spoke with the Psychologist, he now feels there could be cause for bipolarism. Now, maybe I want to hang on to see? Maybe I want an excuse to make me feel better other than he really doesn't love me.

At the very small least, I'm not be as obsessive about him as I was last week or even yesterday. I believe I'm getting better day by day with help from my friends on this forum.

GOD bless all of you,

Princess

Hey P. I'm an alcoholic/addict who is in recovery. I can relate to your story from your husband's perspective. (minus the bathroom incidents) I had to hit my bottom before I had the motivation to quit. My now wife raised my bottom by telling me she would not continue to see me (we were dating at the time) if I didn't quit drinking. I quit but never went into recovery. This is called a dry drunk. It's just as damaging as drinking. It took 9 years of living this way before my wife had enough and I went into real recovery.

This is all to say your husband does have to hit his bottom before he will choose to go into recovery. but it has to be recovery, not just not drinking. I would also strongly encourage you to hit some alanon meetings. You may just make some friends (I'm sure of this) and they might just help you by giving you a place to stay if you decide that is the next move for you. I wish you the very best and i know you will find the strength and hope to make the right choices for you and your husband.

Jonathan - it is so good to hear you sounding so clear - you must be doing a great job with your recovery. Good for you!

Princess - Jonathan has some good advice for you. You are isolated - not necessarily created by you but isolated none-the-less. Meeting others who can be a support will help relieve the isolation which in turn will make you stronger and better able to work your own recovery.

Something you said really struck me, that you didn't know you were messed up until you married your husband. That was me. Like you I was strong, held it all together, successful. I became a basketcase over the course of our relationship. This board has been a big part of my recovery, but I don't think it's like getting over a cold. One day you are sick and then it's gone. It's always with us - this codependency. As we learn to tame it we become better and better, but I don't know if it ever goes away forever. I think I have always been like this but it wasn't until my fear of abadonment was triggered (marrying someone I was madly in love with) that it came out big time.

Redwood

Johnathan & Redwood, your advice is very timely and accurate. I believe I'm now going through something I can't really explain. I guess it's a feeling when for so long you really didn't know what your feelings were. I have been very depressed today and I was starting to have anxiety attacks & I couldn't breathe. I did something I hate to do, I took a xanax. I do feel good that my prescription was given to me in October of 2009 with only 20 pills and I still have 3 left! I feel proud because with all of the stuff/mess/drama I've been going through I could have been eating them like candy.

I saw my Counslor Thursday a well as my Uncle from Atlanta. Both are very concerned for me. I know they both want me to leave right now however, how can I when the money is tight? If was a Wife beater, I could get all types of help.

Yes, I am very isolated. I wish I could be the Woman I used to be. I would go places, see friends, shop but now, I don't have energy to do more than what Iam doing right now. I'm brain exhausted! I am also very fed up with my Husband's mess!

This morning I woke up to a wet bed again. Even my Husband had to say, "I don't know what's going on with me". He then resigned himself to a foul mood all day. Now, he is other to his family's house & he didn't invite me. I'm working really hard tonight to not feel so unloved, unwelcomed. He gets mad at anything I say or do. I know in all reality that it has become impossible to continue in this relationship. He has another appointment on Wednesday with the Psychologist that also wants me to come. My Husband said today that he has already talked with too many people and he's not going to talk to anyone unless they are talking about giving him some money. I have set an immediate boundary and that is if he isn't going on Wednesday, I have to do extreme detachment while we are in the same household. Once my Son goes to college I could stay in his room while I save up my money to move maybe with a minister friend of mine and eventually my own place. I NEED PEACE OF MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do look at the bright side and you guys are helping me more than you know!

Princess

Princess:

Boundaries are very helpful for us and we need to be able to set them and stick to them for our own self-esteem and well-being. Quite often when we set boundaries others will change - but not always. Sometimes the addict chooses the addiction over us. Then we have to do something else that is hard for us - let go. Often we feel if we are just better, nicer, kinder, more understanding that the addict will get better. A codependent friend of mine laughingly said, "My therapist used to say, Mary, it's not all about you, you aren't that important!". It's not all about us - everything bad that happens is not our fault and if something bad is about to happen, often there is nothing we can do but let it happen. This is both scary and liberating.

Princess, as long as you do the right thing by yourself than you have done everything you can do. I am sure in your line of work so much has been laid at your feet - but he needs to do his own work. Take care of you and do your best to let the rest go.

Redwood

Redwood,

Your words sound like what has been dancing in my head! It's very hard to let go, but, I must in order to keep my sanity. i seem to always feel like I am on a roller coaster ride with all of the ups & downs. I never in a million years would have ever begin to imagine that my life would be so intertwined with someone else's until now. I just had no clue to the evilness of it all.

Yesterday, my Husband stayed in the house all day with me and we looked at movies. He was in a good mood and oh so very helpful around the house. Here is the clincher, he didn't even have one drop to drink and there is beer & alcohol in the house. Was this a sign from GOD or is this some type of game he's palying with me or himself? I can't even count it as joy because I know that yesterday was just a day. I know he will wild out sometime during this week. I'm not trying to claim negativity, I just know him. Maybe there is hope for him but, I have to aggressively have more hope for me! Am I reading too much into yesterday?

I can't seem to focus like I used to before I married him. I desperately want me back! Also improved & stronger. Oh GOD, I ask how long and when will this be over? Sometimes, I secretly wish he would get locked up again because life would be so much better for me. I would know where he was, I could get a divorce for $3.00, I have power of attorney and I could buy & sell his assets without his signature, I could be free with the least amount of heartache. I also could continue to live in our condo. Although he is a pissy drunk, he never gets caught for drunk driving lately. It may be wrong to feel this way but, I just do.

I'm finally being honest about my feelings! I'm taking my minister/good girl/nice hat off for a moment and being honest with me about me!

Princess