Co-Dependent Personality Support Group

My husband left 7 months ago for another women. 4th time in our 10 year marriage. and like alway has come back and I have been on a rollercoaster. I love him, He is addict not of Drugs or alcohol but of any aderinal rush he can get weather it be another women, a new bussiness, buying a house all of which he does behind my back, He is good for running away from any conflict and situation that becomes stressful to him and then goes for a fix to get him out of the stress.....That being said..He has left and7 months ago and then came back saying he would get help then 3 week later said no he was going back to the other woman,,Blah, blah, it was too hard for him and he didnt think he could change....... I told him I need him to get help or he had to give me a Divorce that I couldnt keep living like this..... He said he would give me the Divorce, we have talk alot and I can see He is confused and still loves us so I am just waiting to see if he goes through with it. Now I am wondering if I should just go and get the Divorce, it is not what I want at all, but I also am seeing what this is doing to me!! I feel like I have lost all control of my thoughts, my life, my mind and I know it is bad, but I also dont want to get divorced, I do believe he can get help..... but I know that is up to him and him only at this point...... I guess what I am stuggling with is should I wait it out he says he is waiting for the finacial paper to come or shoudl I just go and do it????? These are some of the areas that I am confused what the best non= Co Depent thing to do is. Because neither is what I want and neither is going to benifit my happieness?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but....he has gone off 4 x for another woman? Why are you putting up with that? I do have some insight here though it is not on such a committed scale. The cheating the back and forth etc. I believe that co-dependent / bipolar relationships are common. One feeds off the other, anyone else would leave the bipolar person but a co-dependent will stay and enable them. Have you thought about why you would want to keep a man who cannot choose you when you set a boundary that he cannot cheat? Basically the marriage stayed together because you accepted the cheating, when you said no to it he left. He doesn't want to stop.

The best thing to do in my opinion is to do what is best for you. Do you want to continue to live like this? You'll have to accept that he will not change. If you want something better for you, you have to leave this relationship, heal, learn why you choose this man, heal from that. When you are whole again you can love another in a more healthy way.

I know that this is hard. It broke my heart to leave the bipolar person I loved - I didn't want to leave. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I have always known it was the right thing for me. BTW my x is currently on his 4th wife...this illustrates to me that he doesn't want to change and that I did the right thing for me. Do what is best for you even though it may be hard.

Lori

Thank, I know I dont want to live like this but I dont want to divorce either for other reasons than just me and him. I talked with my children today, my step-children too and I was shock by there response, I told them that I didnt want to give up on there fater but that he was giving up on us and himself and if I stay I will go insane. I told them that I was think of just going and filing myself and wanted to know what their though were and what they were feeling and my step daughter say. We think you should have left him a long time ago! My heart stopped. I am so happy that they love me, and want me to be happy. But I realized He nor I are fooling anyone but ourselves. I know there is a good guy in there and I will always hope that he changes and gets help. But for now I know I need to move on I need to get out of this. I am afraid though that I will alway hope he will change and save things. I know I cant be with him and I know that I cant even think about thing until he is better, but I guess I alway will hope and I am sure that will change in time with out him. I want to be strong I know I need to be strong, I know I have to be strong, but there is still that underlying hope he will save our family. I am so tired of being disrespected in this realationship.

Well if you are tired of being disrespected and the kids are wondering why you are still there it should be a good indication that it is time. I hope you can keep moving forward for you and your children...remember they see how you handle life and will repeat it. You seem like a caring person and a good mother. I know leaving a marriage is complicated, and of course you have to accept that you might always love him, but you only get one life. It's up to you how you spend it.

Good luck with this, I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and the children. You know, if he really loves you and you leave, he will come back and choose to change. What is the saying, if you love someone you have to have the strength to let them go, if they come back they are your's to keep if they don't they were never meant to be. If you let him back there should be rules like no cheating.

Stay strong, you will get through this

Lori

Thank you so much, hearing the encouraging words help so much! I will alway love him and I wont let him back with out some serious help behind him!!! NOW I need to stick to that! Easy to say harder to follow through with but I think I am finially up for the challenge! Wish me luck, I think I will wait a few day to file just to make sure! But I think, now I know it is best for all of us. I think one of the reasons I was so scared was I love my step children they have been in my life longer than my own children and I was afraid of losing touch with them. But this weekend my husband tried to call them and they didnt call him back. But the next day they called my to see if they could come and spend a few days with me and the kids. ( and for teens that is a big deal) So I so happy they will still be in my life no matter what!!! Thank again you are a very wise and sweet person.

Lilibut..is one of the wisest and sweetest people on the site...she gave you some great advice...

I can't think of anything to add...except come back and let us know how you are doing....hugs

Awwww, thanks

Yes, come back and let us know how you are. And you know you can always keep the relationship with your step children even with a divorce. Sure it takes a little work, but it seems you have a good relationship that they cherish too.

Lori