Here I go with my saga--"One Leg to Lift"

Mom had been living with me for over 10 years and the entire time I was financially supporting her and paying for everything for Mom. When she had her mastectomy, I was there for her in every way. But thinking back, even before living with me, through the years I would pick up some strange moments with Mom, but shrugged them off. Then after Mom started living with me for a few years, she really began acting truly strange--returning all Christmas presents she was given and without a reason, complaining about her hair when I took her out and got her perms and haircuts (but I would find her brushing her hair straight up in the air so it looked like heck and like a Mohawk), complaining about a urine infection for 3 months and refusing to get medical care, I would find feces on the floor of the living room where she had pooped and she would blame it on my adult son who had visited 2 weeks before (huh? was she pulling down her pants to go in the living room when I was at work?) and she began screaming at President George Bush on TV one night and I had to put on the Shrek video and she quieted down and loved the video--these are only some of it. The biggest problem is she would get extremely angry at the very thought of going to the doctor for a check up. Finally behind her back I called her doctor's office, told them, and scheduled an appointment for Mom and I told Mom the doctor's office called to remind her of her apointment on xxx date. Mom didn't even flinch when it wasn't on her calendar.

My adult son and I showed up at her doctors to be with her, to support Mom, and Mom was livid and furious. She told the doctor that my son and I were to be told NOTHING about her health. Ahead of time, I had faxed a letter to the doctor with all the symptoms but the doctor came out and said that pursuant to HIPPA regulations, she could tell us nothing and my mother would not give her permission to do any dementia testing, either by machine or that the doctor could do without machines.

A week later Mom told me she had a bladder infection and received antibiotics, plus her thyroid was so low they had to up that medication. But the problems with her continued and worsened.

Then I was injured in the blink of an eye and in the hospital for a week. I become permanently disabled with back injuries and ended up having to try to walk with a walker which wasn't very well and I lost my job. Mom suddenly changed and became this intensely violent and viscous person who was a predator. She would throw items and hit me and I had a black eye from some ceramic figure she hit me with. She was always threatening to hit me or hurt me somehow. Then she began calling me by her dead mother-in-law's name, and leaving large knives out all over the kitchen countertops. She did so many awful things to me it was like living with a terrorist. The final straw was when she blocked the bathroom with her body and refused to let me use it. I was able to get to a phone and called my friend who gave me a special number, who immediately connected me to the State Adult Protection Services (APS). They said it was adult abuse to me and they would come out secretly.

APS came out and Mom was terrible, calling me terrible names, screaming at me, saying I stole money from her (good grief I had been supporting her and not taking any money from her) and then she began punching me. That started all the agencies coming out. First came the Police crisis intervention services and they tried to get Mom to sign papers to voluntarily get help, but she refused. They told me she had something wrong with her but she refused help, but they did require her to take domestic abuse courses for men who abused their wives. Then came another agency that said Mom needed help and tried to get Mom to sign papers and she refused. So they told Mom she would have to move out. Mom didn't want to move out, but the agencies insisted because they said I was in danger and the knives all over the countertops were definite threats by my Mom. But no one could force her to get treatment and I didn't have any money to hire attorneys to force her into court for treatment.

Several months after she left, I finally got my electric scooter--hooray. I took it to the local park on the back of my car. It turned out my Mom stalked me from some parking lot at my home to the park (that's how the Judge phrased it), drove in next to me and came after me with clenched fists with that look like she would punche me and kill me. I put the scooter in high gear and Mom actually tried to run after me to catch up. She didn't catch me and after a half hour I was able to get back to my car, get to the police and file a report, then get to the court and file for a protective order against her. Several times she has broken that order and the Judge reinforces the order against her and the police said if she keeps it up the Judge will eventually do a 72 hour hold in the mental hospital--but that's not something the judge does at the start to the elderly. The agencies all said she has violent dementia but because she is elderly it has helped her avoid treatment and allowed her to victimize me.

Well, Mom lives in another town and has been settled down for one year now--Wow, that's the longest she has been good. I ran across a cousin and Mom's mother (my grandmother) had the exact same thing as Momand had to be put in a special nursing home because of her violence. My Mom KNEW about that through the years and never told me, and in fact purposely lied and fabricated another story about my grandmother. I've worked with a therapist and psychiatrist about all this to get through it, had some tests done and they don't believe I have what Mom has.

If Mom at any time through this had agreed to get help, and Mom wanted me to attend some treatment with her and I had been told by a professional that it was safe for me to do so--I would go in a heartbeat. Mom also took me off her Will and Living Will and destroyed the Powers of Attorney she once had. But instead I wait and wonder if one day I will get a phone call from the senior apartment building where she lives, that Mom got mad at a neighbor and stabbed her/him. If that call comes all I can say is that I'm sorry, but I can't help them.

I am glad that you are at least in a position that you are safe now. I know a lot of people underestimate how dangerous older people can be, but they really can be dangerous if their dementia takes a violent bent. I hope somehow she will be forced to get the help she needs (a 72 hour stay would be a good start). Again, I am sooo glad you are safe.

When it comes to "dementia", regretfully I can't discuss with others that I have stayed by my Mom's side or that I have helped her through this health problem--actually I always planned I would help Mom through everything as I always did.

I remember going to a support group for caregivers of Alzheimers and dementia. A doctor ran that group and I asked that doctor about my Mom's situation, her violent dementia, for resources that I could contact and how I could get Mom help. Surely someone in the group had that situation. He told me that he had nothing to tell me and his group was only for caregivers of willing and non-violent family. It broke my heart that he couldn't even point me towards any groups or contacts. Put that together with my Mom's doctor being unable per Mom to do any tests to diagnose Mom's violent dementia and it pretty well ties the hands of concerned family.

A co-worker from years ago that has become a wonderful friend told me of her mother who became so bad that one night she broke out of their home, naked with a huge knife and was running to get on the freeway to kill anyone that stopped their car. She was caught before she hurt anyone and institutionalized forever-- unless some new medication or treatment comes out that cures violent dementia.

Through my friend's story I suddenly realized my situation with my mom wasn't just happening in our family and other families were dealing with violent dementia of loved ones. That some loved ones with dementia go into extreme behavior with great violence. But perhaps the families are filled with so much pain they never discuss it. My friend had never told me about her mom until my Mom went into violent dementia with me. My friend said she never tells anyone about her mom.

The one police officer talked to me and said that people with mental health problems like my Mom usually end up in the justice system and get jailed or a judge might eventually send them to the mental hospital for a 72 hold and evaluation. He said over 40 years ago, Mom and others would have been institutionalized immediately, but more rights have been given to the mentally ill and it gives my Mom and others the right to refuse treatment for violent dementia until eventually they are in the court system enough times that a judge gets fed up and finally orders her and others to jail time or for the 72 hour hold and mental evaluation. The officer said it is where many with mental health problems fall between the cracks because they need treatment, but can refuse it and are entering the court system multiple times--their misbehavior spills out into the public and some get only jail time and not treatment.

I am glad in some ways that Mentally ill people have more rights than they used to, but in cases like this it is not helping her. She would be better served (as would the general public) if she had to get help.

talk about pee and poop....she has no sense of smell (which I had heard somewhee is a symptom of alz.) and i totally smelled cat pee in her one bathroom, and picked up the rug and it stunk. she denied it, got all defensive, and accused her painter of possibly coming in and peeing on her RUG. GEEEEEE......I am not sure how much longer I can do this...I do work full time.

I just have a hard hard time, and left her house tonight with some tears, my brother was here. he neve comes, but did...big surprise! he knows my frustrations, but does not matter to him, really.

I am so sorry for your mom situation, and the violence part cannot be compared to others who suffer from these diseases...my mom gets defensive and verbal, but not violent.

You did ALL you could possibly do. I do not understand why the medical people cannot put her on medicine. Is she living on he own or in a facility? sounds like you can have no contact? That has got to be so so hard. I am so sorry you have this in your life along with your disability.

The way the medical and legal system works, people with mental health problems have been given much greater legal rights to refuse care and treatment. Mom can and does refuse medical evaluation and treatment of her dementia--she denies anything is wrong with her. No one can legally force her into medical treatment unless she continues to act up and a judge finally orders her into a 72 hour hold in a mental institution ("Baker Acted")--then she can be evaluated and a doctor can determine she requires medication.

In speaking with others, there seems to be some common but really strange behaviors I noticed among loved ones that have dementia or Alzheimers--

1) That we have stolen items or money from them. I have heard this from many caretakers that it seems to me to be a very common symptom.

2) Inappropriate urinating/defecating in the home and blaming it on others. Like someone from outside the home comes inside the home to purposely "poop/pee" to mark territory.

3) Sometimes they "see" people in the bases of lamps (particularly lamps that have highly polished bases) and some may even leave food for "the lady/man in the lamp." Actually I believe they are seeing a reflection of themselves, but you can't convince them of that.

I think you had to do what you did. What else could you do? Do you ever see her? Who has power of Attorney or who pays bills? is she on public assistance and she has no income at all?

sorry to ask so much stuff. You have so many things in your life, and are so positive still. It is a journey, and we have a choice. Be happy, or be miserable. I know. Sometimes, I like to be miserable when home alone. But I read alot. I learn alot from reading.

When is the last time you saw your mom? do you have siblings ???

Mom gets Social Security so she pays all her own bills and if she doesn't pay them, it has to be her problem as I no longer have the resources that I had before to pay her way. Because of her violent dementia, I do not see her as it is unsafe for me to be anywhere near her. When the dementia goes high and she wants to cause me harm, she would start, but she has left me alone now for one year (which means I haven't seen her or heard from her for one year) and that is very good.

I have an older brother in another state who doesn't want to know anything about Mom or get involved. In fact his wife is very wealthy and they are too busy traveling to even call or care about our Dad.