Dementia Support Group

Hi everyone:

During the first week of January my mother, who has mild dementia fell and broke her hip, requiring surgery and nursing home placement. For the past year my brother and I along with her physician have tried to convince her that she needed to be placed in an assisted living facility. During this time she had 4 other falls, could not take her medicine correctly and was afraid to stay by herself. We took turns staying at night and eventually hired a young lady to stay with her three nights per week and I stayed the other four. So after her broken hip, as much as I hated that she had to experience that, I was relieved that she had been placed in a long term care facility. During her first week there she informed me that she was never going back home and I was so relieved. She seemed to love the place and the care she was receiving. Of course, she was still in rehab and couldn't walk well without assistance. Well, she has come along way physically and is getting around well now and she is ADAMANT that she wants to go back home. She cries and says she is depressed there. The staff have been so good and are doing everything they can to make her feel at home. She has a private room and I have taken furniture in to make it more homelike. I vist everyday and have taken her out to visit with her sisters and taken her to church.

Here is my question. Do you think it would be helpful if I allowed her to go back home a couple of days a week and hired someone to stay with her there? Do you think she will eventually adjust? Am I expecting too much too soon? I really thought that her placement would make things better for her but right now I feel like we are back at square one.

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Sign me,

Frazzled Son

Hi and welcome Frazzled Son, It sounds like you are in a really tough situation. It is hard when she loved it at first and now isn't happy to stay where she is safer. It does sound like she really was to the point that she had to move though (for safety reasons if nothing else...between the meds and the falls).

Of course she may not have really understood that this was permanent (even if she was told) and loved the place and the care while she felt that she needed it, but not be at all adjusted to the idea of staying here permanently. If she thought that it was just until she was better and her memory is still intact enough to not forget home in that amount of time (and with mild dementia it probably is) she will be pretty much in the same emotional state as someone who just came in, but came in without any health problems...ready to get right back out and go home.

From the cases I have seen most adjust, though the better their memories are the longer they will say they want to go home, and as long as the memories of home last it will be a good place that they miss, even if they like where they are now too.

I think I would try to give her lots of time to adjust since she may have just restarted her adjustment clock (which would also explain the sudden strength of her desires to go).

I would talk to the staff to see if she is as unhappy when you are not there as she claims and to see if they have ideas of what might help. I don't think I would try the home part time plan yet since being home part of the time might make that worse instead of better.

She sees home as safe and, well HOME, but it really isn't safe for her anymore because she isn't able to manage in it, but she is not aware of that (or is in denial about it). So in terms of her safety she is better off where she is, but emotionally she doesn't feel that way right now. It is an adjustment and a hard one to make. It also takes longer to adjust to any changes once dementia has started, even when it is mild.

I hope that some of this helps you. It is a tough situation to be in when you see her being unhappy, but you aren't really sure what is best for her in the long run.

Hi Frazzeled Son, it sounds like you are doing a great job of trying to be the best son you can be while making some very tough decisions. I have come to this forum over and over again asking the what to do question about the wanting to go home dilema and I feel your pain! Mygrammie has been in assisted living now for 2 1/2 years and she still on occasion asks when she is getting the he_ _ out of there. I feel terrible, but then she will ask me also to go visit her mother who has been gone for about 50 years and then I am reminded that she is in a safe place where she needs to be! I agree with MaryR taking her home for visits will prolong the agony for her and only remind her of where she really wants to be. Diverting her to another subject when she mentions going home and telling her you will meet with the Dr. in a few weeks or something like that may help. I have been telling mygrammie for the last few months that she has a dr appointment next tuesday. Of course tuesday never comes but she does not realize that. This forum is such a big help and it is comforting to know there are others in the same position with their loved ones. Good Luck to you and your mom.

hugs

jackie

4mygrammie

Jackie:

Thanks so much for your advice. I am happy to report that over the past week my mom seems to have made some strides in accepting her new home. She has been talking about how nice her room is and how good they are to her there. On my last three visits she hasn't talked about going home or asking the doctor about going home. I know this may be temporary but it is a nice respite. Thanks again for your message

Barry (Frazzled Son)

Hey Mary:

Thanks for your advice and support. Over the past week she seems to be back where she "loves it", is bragging about how nice her room is and how good the staff are to her. I know this may be termporary but I am enjoying it.

Thanks again,

Barry (Frazzled Son)

I am so glad that things are better. I also have no idea if it will last, but for however long it does at least you can de-stress a bit.

My mom has had multi-infarct dementia for at least five years. My mom also broke her hip, had surgery and is on the mend using a walker but forgets how to use it correctly. The doctor(s) strongly suggested that I use this opportunity to place her in a nursing home dementia unit. Most of the time, mom is in that safe place where she grew up as a child. Where mom ws not safe at home with several falls and medication errors, I have no regrets. Simlar to you, my mom keeps wanting to go home but figures she has to stay to 'get that hip better'. The nursing home plays it up with mom as if she is in a hotel with room service, a restarant and vacation activities. Mom also admits to me but not to others she has lost part of her mind like her dad. Some days it is like she is in summer camp with her friends while other days mom is 'waiting for that ride' . Any suggestions on how to continously divert 'waiting for that ride'? It is heart-breaking but I know mom can not go home to my elderly dad. My mom has been there for about a month an a half month now.

Want to clarify that my mom for the past years has exhibited the typical symptoms such as loss of executive decision making, falling, paranoia, hallucinations, problems with time and place, significant medication errors, not always knowing my father (she thinks two guys lived with her verses one), however ironically knows me and my wife. Most of the time she thinks she is in her childhood home going back and forth between today's world and yesterday. . The nursing home dementia unit unaminously (doctors, father, her siblings, me) is the best move for her safety and hopefully her happiness oging forward. Hate lying to her but want to releive her anxiousness about being forgotten even though she really does forgets a few minutes later that she saw us yesterday or went to the doctor. "Waiting for that ride" is just the next step in our journey. Breaking her hip was a blessing in disguise.

Hi, Sorry it took me so long to get to you, I have not been checking as much as I should. It does sound like she is much safer with the higher level of supervision, and it is really good that some days she is able to participate and enjoy everything around her instead of being determined to get home.

Sometimes people are willing to do something else while they sit and wait for their ride and if you can start her on some other train of thought (looking at something, listening to music, even talking to you about anything that she enjoys) she may forget that she was waiting. Even if she doesn't forget at least you have pleasantly passed some time and made the waiting easier and let her know that someone cares about her where she is.

Sometimes if a person seems to be a bit bored of waiting you can ask a staff member if they will "keep an eye out for her ride, we are going to just go down the hall here for a few minutes, but if her ride comes while we are down the hall please come get us". If the staff will promise to do it (knowing as they do that no ride is coming) sometimes the person with dementia will go and participate in activities again without worrying about missing their ride. It doesn't often work out as neatly as this, but it is really nice when it does.

Thanks MaryR. Figured I would check this site out. It's one of the better ones I've come across. I'm impressed and looking forward to future communications. I agree- as the only kid-- I am very comfortable with the decision although it took a lot to do this.

Ironically my mom who is an introvert, usually depressed, and reserved actually is reversing her personality and has been taken under the wing by two other 'social circle' residents. This was by design of the unit staff. I observed this during my visit(s).

My mom keeps asking me if she is 'booked-in' for the night and I reassure each time that I paid the front desk and she is all set. I beleive she thinks she is in transit on vacation back to where she grew up.

Now to get her to unpack her clothes which are bundled in a clear plastic bag she packed. Honestly, right now even though my mom knows she is forgetting, I do not think she realizes the purpose of the unit. Some day it may dawn on her and I will deal with it then.

Thanks again. I will keep checking in.