Death in the family Support Group

Hi everyone, i have never done this before but i dont know who to talk too. i feel like i have no one to talk to at home, sooo i'm looking for a little advice/help.

About 8 months my grandmother, who was like my mother, passed away. She was the only person i had, that i could really talk too. And there's was sooooo much i wanted to tell her and soooo many things that i regret, for example, i'm angry with myself cause i wasn't around her more, when she was alive. I get sooo angry with myself sometimes about what i didnt do for her, that i truely hate myself. I'm still having a hard time coping with her death.

Then about 2 months ago, my god-father, whom i was also very close with, passed away. He decided to take his own life. I'm mad at him for what he did, but at the same time, i feel horrible for being mad at him.

Sometimes i feeel like i'm the only one who's going through this, and i knowww i'm not the only one, but i just feeel sooo alone sometimes.

Thanks for reading and for any advice.

Hi first please let me say Im so sorry for your losses and that you are struggling so. Grieving can me most confusing and can be most challenging. There are several stages of grieving. Some go through all or some go through a few and not in any order.:

# A Normal Life Process

# Five Stages Of Grief

* 1. Denial and Isolation.

* 2. Anger.

* 3. Bargaining.

* 4. Depression.

* 5. Acceptance.

Anger is a familiar, managable, debatalble right that doesnt require permission or does it need validation. You are likely angry that bad things could happen to someone who meant so much to you.And that you're left behind and you should have had more time together. You know rationally that your loved one didn't want to die. But emotionally, all you know is that she did die. It was not supposed to happen, or at least not now because we are never ready.

Please keep in mind anger is an important step of the grieving process it surfaces once you are feeling safe enough to know you will probably survive whatever comes. We feel forced into the loss and now have to live through the loss It takes us by surprise no matter how much we try to prepare. Then more feelings hit, and anger is usually at the front of the line as feelings of sadness, panic, hurt, and loneliness also appear, stronger than ever.

You may also be angry with yourself that you couldn't stop it from happening. Not that you had the power, but you did have the will and you would have prevented it if possible. The will to save a life sadly isnt enough or does it give us the power to stop a death. But most of all, you may be angry at this unexpected, undeserved, and unwanted situation in which you find yourself.

We often choose to be angry to avoid the feelings underneath until we are ready to face them.

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, and that is frustrating and it angers us becuase we didnt not have a choice. People often tell us our anger is misplaced, inappropriate, or over reactive but until someone suffers a loss or in your case two significant loses they will not know the importance of anger. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. Tell a counselor how angry you are. Share it with friends and family. Share it here as often as many times you want, or need. Here there are many wonderful people all within a loss, within the grieving process. We all help one and other and we are most compassionate with a feeling of fellowship. Never alone here. Scream into a pillow. I remember posting that i wanted to stand outside and scream about my loss, about how i lost the most beautiful person in the world and that everyone should know the loss to the world. Dont bottle up your anger. Instead, explore, learn it/ The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love and you are progressing and you will be ready soon to let all the other feelings to emerge. Life is unfair. Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss.

The feelings of guilt, is also something we do. We do it because of the feelings we are trying to sort. We go through what ifs and if onlys. Im so sorry becuase it is so hard. Grieving is so personal and so unique to each and everyone of us. No one is taught how we just try to familiarize ourselves that what we are going through is somewhat normal in such a situation although so alien to us while we meet it. Guilt is anger turned inward on yourself and it also rears its ugly head during times of loss. But you are not to blame. If you could change things, you would, but you can't. What you are feelign is real. Your loss is real. You cant not pretend so be paitent with yourself. Let the feelings be what they are without feeling any guilt for them. It is your truth. Anger affirms that you can feel, that you did love, and that you have lost. When you realize the anger is a stepping stone of preparation for your emotional rollercoaster. You will find the pain of loss. The power of your anger may overwhelm you because for some it may be in proportion to the amount of lost love that it represents. The anger will subside, and the feelings of loss will change form again.

I am sorry this is a bit lengthly but i returned from a funeral yesterday and it all just feels so fresh.

Please post often and remember to take care of yourself.

(((HUGS)))

Karen / Lilsis

Another thing about the stages, it can be a roller coaster ride. There is also no set order to go through them either.The fact you are feeling these thing is nothing new for you or us. We have all been there. In some cases, many times.I'm no kid you see.

Thank you for both your posts. They've helped me understand a little more about how grief works. But it's still a very confusing process.

Please dont be sorrry for the length of your post, Lilsis. What you wrote is like, you knew what i have been going through and all the thoughts i've had over these last 8 months. i'm sooo sorry for your loss *HUG*

I have a couple questions...is it normal to goo through most of the stages at the same time?? & Does talking to a counselor really help??

I don't like talking to people about how i feel, it's hard for me to even talk to my own parents. Posting everything i have said was really hard for me.

Thanks again for your posts! Take Care!

Do you have yahoo messenger? I do. If you do have it, we can chat there. As for it helping, that depends on you. You will get out of it what you want. Some times talking to one who has been there can work magic.

Talking on this forum alone has already helped me quite a bit. It has been almost three weeks now, and I have been offered so many words of support and encouragement by the members on this forum. I have signed up today to speak with a new grief counselor and I will find out next week how that goes... Just remember to do everything at your pace. I am getting the feeling that people see me smile and carry on with my daily life and assume that I am "over it"... never let anyone rush you, your grief is a part of your life now and YOU decide when things feel better.

Manuel i just posted on the Bereavement Group about "getting over it"If you have time please read.

Rebel YES it is absolutely ok to be experiencing one or more at any time during the grieving stages. The stages of grief are not written in stone. And they were created to help to assist people with hopefully try to understand that what they feel and are going through is normal and expected during such an emotional time. It is not a guidline that we all must follow or all do experience. It actually has caused many to be confused by it. My advice to you Rebel it quite simply be YOU and allow what you feel to be exactly how it is supposed to feel for the person you are. As we are all different than the other we also feel different, think different, react different, as too is the journey we take once we have lost a loved one. Your situation is far more complex because you are also dealing with the confusion, frustrations of being a suicide survivor. You mentioned you were very close to him and the pain associated with a loss by suicide is intense, devastating and persistent pain. It is an experience unlike any other. When news arrives that someone we love has died by suicide, most survivors are immediately thrown into a traumatic and complicated grief.

Rebel please see you have such confusion at this time because you have lost two very important people in your world. You lost you gram and you have lost your godfather at his own hands. That is complicated grief. You are mourning both one is more demanding than the other and your emotions are overlapping. Maybe you can sit and pick a time to be with one and yourself in a place of mind and heart to grieve them individually a little at a time. Sit and talk with your Gram, or write to her and express your pain of loss. She knows you loved her she knows how hard you will be on yourself. She doesnt want this for you do you? Do you think it would ease her own journey to know you are able to talk to her and tell her how you are doing? This may give that speraration of the two deaths and allow you to honor one at a time. That may be less confusing,

The time you take and give to your God father is very important also. This may also be overshadowing the grieving process for your Gram. Sometimes guilt is related to the anger we feel towards the deceased. After losing a loved one to suicide, it is common to struggle with conflicting feelings of anger and grief. It is normal to feel anger and to feel guilty for feeling angry. Go easy on yourself. Eventually you will realize you aren't angry at the person who died, but at the choice that he or she made to end his or her life.

Thinking of you. Keep sharing and try to push yourself a little to continue to talk. It is really helpful.

Very best,

Karen

Karen always has such good advice; it's sad she has had to learn so much about grief and loss.

Yes, Manuel, people see you function and assume everything's ok. We all lie through our teeth when people ask us if we're ok because it's what they want to hear. Truth is, we are far from ok.

I am so sorry about your losses, Rebel. While there are syages to grief, it is not a straight line. It's like a choppy day at sea, when waves sneak up at you from every direction and there is no way to prepare for what is going to hit you. You'll get blindsided by moments that take you completely by surprise. Sometimes, it's when you are preparing for a "big wave," like an anniversary or birthday. Sometimes, we coast through those days just fine but get hit a week later. This happens to me a lot.

You will be very fragile for a long time, especially the first year. Talking to a therapist helps a lot.

Take care, everyone...Sara

Scotty, I'm sorrry but i dont have yahoo messenger. Thank you soo much for the offer, I appreciate it.

Karen, you are right, i am angry and confused with the death of my godfather, I feel it was selfish of him to take his life, but on the same note, i love & miss him, and wish i could have helped him in some way. I know my gram wouldn't want me to be depressed, she'd want me to be happy but it's just hard, to live with out them. Thanks again Karen, for all your advice, your right talking does help.

Thank you Sara, my emotions will blindside me alot of the time too. I just had my first birthday without my gram and godfather and it felt sooo weird without them their. like it felt worng and not real.

Thanks again everyone, please take care!!

Allie//RebelGirl19