Death in the family Support Group

: Currently I am grieving over the loss of my oldest brother. I feel a little isolated from my family. I live in New Hampshire and my family lives in Mass. They live on the South Shore. We all shared time together after Billy's wake/service. Billy died suddenly while he was staying on the Cape. He was down there planning his daughter Amanda's 18th birthday. He was an alcoholic since he was a young man, but in recent years, he has been treated for Bipolar Disorder. Chances are he has been Bipolar for years. His drinking and smoking habits have taken a toll on his health in recent years. Only recently, after many personal upheavals, Billy began drinking again. I feel guilty for not reaching out to him for the past year during his period with personal difficulties. I was afraid that he was going to ask to stay with my husband and I. I debated with my husband why I should help my brother, but we did not have the resources or the ability to halp Billy. I did write to him a letter in the past, but I did not write enough letters to let him know that I loved my big brother and appreciated him and valued him whether he was sick or not. I was going to write him or try to call him recently, but did not have an address. How can I reconcile the guilt I feel? I am so sad for not telling him that he was loved and cared for by his little sister.

So sorry to hear you loss. I too also lost a brother 1 yr today.... He had a anyerisum and lived one yr in a vegtable state. Lossing a brother is the hardest thing I think ever. Ive learned to live day to day. The pain is still so strong but, I look foreward to putting my arms around him one day. I pray you have better days soon.

Hi I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my older brother he was only 42. It started with a tooth ache and it turned out to be oral cancer. He lived 5 months after that. I loved him very much, I admired him for he would advise me when asked. He closed himself off from all family except mom and dad and I needed so badly to see him but repspected his wishes to be remembered as he was. I wrote to him as he was unable to talk and i asked if I could come see him. He said yes come. I cant begin to tell you how i felt when i hugged him.......

The guilt you are feeling is a normal part of grieving. I did it a lot when my sister died she died last year she was only 43. Although i was with her daily trying to save her from her depression and helping her to take care of business that she was dealing with from a divorce. I failed her. I reached out to my other family memebers at that time i had lost Dad a year after my brother. I asked them to help me to help her. She only wanted to know she was loved. I was banished by them and accused of caring for someone that didnt care for themself. She too was an alcoholic and i believe bipolar in her later years. I recieved that response because Mom is fighting breast cancer and i didnt get out to see her as often, she lived over an hour away. No excuse but i was consumed with my sister. She was suicidal. I too discussed having her come live here with us for a while to maybe live in a family setting and feel the love and partake in life again. I was told by my guy NO WAY. We have an impressionable young daughter and he didnt want her around. THere was a time when she was fighting with the tenant downstairs at her house and he called the cops on her. They told her she had to be removed for the night and that is there anywhere she could go......she said yes my sisters. When the police showed up with her my guy said NOPE not taking her in. I felt horrible, she was so devastated. We talked later about that, not the part of being turned away because i really dont think she remembers that but by having to experience a night in jail. It took the last little bit of self respect she had. The guilt is there for me still to this day. I live with it and i do know that she was not stable to be here with my daughter. She suffered hallucinations and she would be a risk to her self and us.

The decisions i had to make were not for the lack of love as I am sure yours too was not because you didnt love him or want to help becasue you did try. He knows you love him. I pray daily that my sister is safe, i worry shes not because she never was here in the living. I think you need to forgive yourself and focus on the love you have for him and all the many many memories shared. He would be please to know you are not beating yourself up because of his life choices.

Thinking of you.

Karen/ Lilsis

Darlene... hi its good to see you again. i have not seen you for some time. Im sorry for you losses as you know. I just want to say anniversary dates are very hard as are birthdays and holidays. My sis bday is in two days and i feel huge anxiety again. It will pass and I will focus on the love.

Best wishes

Karen

Hi Karen, Good to hear from you also. The past week has been just awful.... MY brothers been gone a yr now and the pain is ever so here!!!! It feels like just yesterday I gave him that last kiss and went home only to be awaken about 8 hrs later with his oldest son telling me that his daddy was gone...I did take him a beautiful flower arrangement to the cemetary on Sunday and just stood there and tried my hardest to remember old times when we were kids and how sweet he was to me. Its going to be 5 months tomorrow that my daddy went to be with him. The one thing I do have of comfort is knowing daddy is now with Glynn and he sees him not crippled anymore and healthy and smiling. I look forward to the day we are all together again. I find myself being over protective of my mom latley, I have to know where she is and everything, I hope this passes because I dont want her to think I am running her life its just that I have such a feeling of loosing her now I dont know what I would do if I lost her, she is my rock!!! Well, hope you are having a better day, its sunny and warm today, mskes me smile thnking of the two of them looking down at me, problably fumming at me for feeling the way I have lately. c-ya...............