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04/02/2009 11:12 AM

When? Why?

Rizzo
Rizzo  
Posts: 19
Member

It's not getting any better? Maybe even worse. Now what?

How do I get through this?

I feel like I am losing my mind?

Reply
 

04/02/2009 08:46 PM
snichols11
snichols11  
Posts: 458
Senior Member

I think the hardest part is accepting something you simply don't want to accept. I found out my best friend had died on June 23, 2008, at about 4:30 in the afernoon. I can still remember every feeling, the cold wash of shock pouring over me, running outside of work, standing in the sidewalk, and crying. My world changed forever in that moment, time stopped. And that was just the beginning.

How long has it been? About nine months? While I still can't believe he is gone, I think I have at least progressed to acceptance now. And trust me....very, very relunctantly. I finally stopped calling his telephone number when they gave it to someone else. But otherwise, I'd still call it. Just to feel a little normal. It is still programmed in my cell phone.

And sometimes I find myself driving to his apartment. I walk in, I want to knock, and have find him sitting on his couch, listening to Gong or Hawkwind or one of those groups he liked so well. I would give everything I own for him to be back. I think about him every single day. I can't even leave him messages anymore. I go to his funeral parlor site and write to him in his memorial page every now and then, tears rolling down my face.

I think that happens when you lose someone suddenly, like you did your dad. My dad was weak, sick, although he was only 64 his body looked and felt much older. He suffered plenty.

Dale, my friend, hada lot of anxiety and painful depression. Although he did not commit suicide, I know he thought about it. I try so hard just to be happy for him, that his suffering in this life as we know it is done. And for someone to get to the brink of suicide, the suffering must be unbearable.

To answer your question, it gets better, but it doesn't. I try to be happy for my dad & friend. That they don;t have to ever suffer the kind of grief that we are right now.

Take care, Sara


04/03/2009 12:45 AM
Rizzo
Rizzo  
Posts: 19
Member

I still call his number everyone once in awhile. And it may sound silly but I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who does or did that before

I really do try to be happy and try to bring myself to know and realize that he is happy now and where he wanted to be... Its just so hard to believe.

Thanks for the reply. I needed that.


04/03/2009 12:46 AM
Rizzo
Rizzo  
Posts: 19
Member

I still call his number everyone once in awhile. And it may sound silly but I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who does or did that before

I really do try to be happy and try to bring myself to know and realize that he is happy now and where he wanted to be... Its just so hard to believe.

Thanks for the reply. I needed that.


04/03/2009 07:44 AM
snichols11
snichols11  
Posts: 458
Senior Member

It's a horrible experience you're having. Don't let anyone lighten it for you, and you are definitely doing the right thing by talking about it. I am sure a lot of yur emotions are amplified by the fact that it was suicide, including anger, sadness, and guilt. Please don't go down any of these paths, especially the guilt. I have guilt because my friend tried to call me multiple times the night he died, and I ignored him. I was actually supposed to go over to his apartment that evening. We'd made plans. I just sort of blew him off. I have to deal with that forever. But I try to remember that if it's your time, it's your time, I think even if you choose to die.

At least I tell myself that to keep from losing my mind.


04/06/2009 10:10 AM
Nevayda
 
Posts: 7675
VIP Member

Hi Rizzo.

I''m very sorry for your loss. I think part of grieving is how you describe it. So overwhelming, so many emotions, and when I was younger I found death of a loved one to be terrifying.

We are humans and death is an unknown to us. I had to come to terms with my beliefs about death. I read books, went to church, did a lot of exploring about death. I won't say that just because I'm older and have lost lots of loved ones, it's any easier. It is still frightening to my human self. But I do have a spiritual self and that seems to override the human self.


04/17/2009 01:40 PM
Rizzo
Rizzo  
Posts: 19
Member

Yeah I've been reading the books...Some are harder than others....

And I agree with being in touch with a your spiritual self... it's just hard.


04/17/2009 07:11 PM
Nevayda
 
Posts: 7675
VIP Member

Honey, your grief is new and raw. It's going to take time. You have had a terrible loss.
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