Death in the family Support Group

My grandmother passed away yesterday. I was right there with her holding her hand, saying a prayer; then I looked up and she had flat-lined on the monitor. I'm glad I was able to say goodbye, but I feel like my heart is breaking. My daughter and I lived with her for the last year and a half, since I was taking care of her. I don't have a job, so we're going to have to move back in with my mom and stepfather. Yesterday, I sat in her room and fell asleep in her bed, wearing her robe. But then today, I started crying because I saw her coffee creamer sitting on top of the fridge. My grandma and I had our share of arguments, God knows I regret some of the things I said to her. I feel guilty for leaving her, during April (I had to attend a relative's wedding, out of state), and I feel angry at my other family members for never calling to see how she was doing, or to wish her a Happy Birthday. I'm so glad, I was able to spend time with her, but I feel like I didn't tell her I loved her enough. I know that now, she's up in Heaven with my Grandfather, which is what she wanted, but it hurts. I'm hurting so bad now, because I feel so alone... It was me and her for so long, and now I feel as though my life is over.... I'm trying to stay strong, for the sake of my daughter, but I'm having a hard time. My mom keeps bothering me, wanting me to talk, but right now, all I want to do is just lay in bed, and never get up. I've barely eaten anything all day, and don't care to. I miss my grandma and want her back....

I know that time will heal my wounds, but right now, it's almost too much to bear.

"You can hide from things you don't wanna see, but you can't hide from things you don't wanna feel."

It will take time. My grandfathers have been dead for about 9 or 10 years now. I still miss them expecially my papa( My dad's dad). I have very fond memories of him. When he found out he would have to move down here to live with us he didnt want to he wanted to spend the money to buy tickets to fly back and fourth between the two states. He was already sick, but right when my dad flew out to help him pack and get out here passed away. That same week he did. I was excited to hear that he was going to come down. I was so upset. I loved him so much! and I still miss him.

Anyways you will get through this. I know it is rough but you will get through this.

I know the feeling, it's like someone told you you don't have a job anymore,,,,,,,,,you look around and say now what?

Focus on me? What? I never did that before and I can't now. You need to eventually find a new job to take care of someone else.

We are caretakers, those that did not call or write or visit will get theirs in the end.

They will need someone and since they were not humane to others, they will be aided by strangers, and ask for forgiveness I hope from not being kinder to others.

As far as your guilt, you are human we all have a cross to bare. You needed that break to see something wonderfully beautiful and uplifting in that wedding. Like a mental vacation from the stress of being a care giver, and that is tons of stress.

My dad and brother both died of huntington's disease, uncles cancer, mom has health issues, and i'm the one that gets the medical team worked out.

I buried way to many.

Give yourself a huge break.

Make coffee for her in the morning and talk to her. She is with you always, and appreciates all your love.

She is holding a favorite cup, peach or pink something on it, with a dash of blue??? don't know just see her holding it at a kitchen table in her night gown and a warm smile on her face and she shows me the frig, I guess you know why I don't, did you get something out of the frig after her coffee was fixed and she sat down?

anyole way,

know that she is with you,

hugs,

blessings,

give yourself a break, you did God's work, and it reflects on your score sheet for judgment day,,,,,,,,,kudos to you dear precious care giving soul.