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09/15/2011 06:37 PM

In a relationship with Cyclothymic boyfriend

Posts: 1
New Member

This is so difficult. I have fallen in love with someone that suffers from Cyclothymia. We have a great relationship 90% of the time. However, the other ten is so hard to endure. During the bad ten percent,I have to see someone I love going through such harsh, destructive emotions and at the same time he is so mean and unloving towards me. Of course, if I had known this from the beginning, I would not have began this relationship. I truly love my boyfriend and I am completely committed to him. I will have to admit sometimes; I find myself saying--I can't do this. But the fact of the matter is that I can't walk away from someone I love. I worry what would happen if I'm not there, and I would miss out on the great times as well. My boyfriend has decided that because of his problem he will not ever ask me to marry him. I completely understand this. I have younger children and feel that it is neccessary that we have two different homes. When he is having a difficult time, it is better if he is not around my children. They do not understand this condition. I would like to plan a future. In years from now, I would like to get married. I believe that with enought planning and understanding we could have a good life together. I know that he will need his space and to be alone times. During these times, I would just have to give him space. He doesn't know and just refuses to talk about it. He tells me daily that he loves me and never wants to loose me. He has been married before, but his wife did not understand his moods and was not patient with him. He does not ever want to go through a divorce again.

Although it is difficult, I normally am patient and do not take his manic episodes personally. I have learned to cope with his illness and for the most part just try to keep up the normalness of life. Since I have been in his life, he has keep the same job for 2 years. He has learned so much about how to cope with his emotions. We don't want to break up, but I just would like to have more of a commitment. Am I asking too much? Is marriage that scary to someone with his condition? Is is out of the question?


09/16/2011 04:17 AM
Posts: 464

Welcome to the group!

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time with your relationship. The first question I have to ask is if your boyfriend is currently seeking or undergoing treatment for his cyclothymia? You say that over the last 2 years he's learned how to cope with his emotions much more - do you see him continuing to improve in how he deals with his condition? Is his potential improvement a factor in how you feel about a future with him?

My concern would be that you said that if you'd known about his condition from the start, you wouldn't have entered into the relationship. You don't want him around your children when he's in his more unstable phases, and you want a level of commitment that he has said he doesn't want. All this seems to point to some fairly big problems, and I'm not sure if the question you are asking is the right one. How would you deal with your desire to keep him away from your children if you married him? Is it that you want to marry him specifically, or that you just want to get married? You don't sound very happy with how things are in your relationship at the moment, and I'm not sure if I see how marriage would fix that.

I don't really think that his cyclothymia has anything to do with his attitude towards marriage. I'm bipolar, and I don't have a particular problem with the idea of marriage (just a phobia of weddings Wink) I know quite a few people on this forum are married. He has had a problematic marriage before, and I would say that it's probably this experience, and getting divorced, that's put him off getting married again. Essentially, if you really want that commitment, but equally he does not want to take that step, you have to decide if you're prepared to give up what you want in your future for him.

I hope that helps. There are also forums for partners of those with bipolar which may be useful to you.


09/18/2011 10:22 PM
Posts: 2
New Member

I am sorry you are having a difficult time with your boyfriend. I am engaged to a wonderful man that I believe is cyclothymic. We are going to the dr tomorrow to try and find out some more information and see what can be done to help.

I can sympathize with not wanting your kids around when he is having a hard time. I have a 6 year old daughter that loves my fiance so much, but can really be almost a trigger for him. When he gets mad at her her says things that are just downright mean and have caused a problem for us. I understand he can't help how he feels or when he is having a bad moment, but he has control over making the situation worse or leaving the room like an adult should do.

Right now the most recent thing is him saying we have too many issues to get married. Which COMPLETELY crushed me. But I am beginning to think he may be right. He was on Lexapro for depression which really seemed to help but is now on Effexor 75mg extended release which seems to be doing absolutely nothing. He won't go back on the Lexapro tho because of the weight gain. I'm about at the end of my rope but I love him so much.

I am so completely drained and don't know which end is up most of the time. I feel like I am walking on eggshells in my own house. I had my own depression issues too several years ago (previous cutter) so I understand being "down" but don't understand what comes across to me as lack of self control on his part when dealing with kids or me and how someone can say things to intentionally hurt someone they claim to love. I hope your situation gets better. Please message me anytime you need to vent.


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