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06/27/2011 11:50 AM

Crohn's and marriage

porknang
porknang  
Posts: 903
Member

OK...I am going to spill it out to complete strangers!This is not easy for me so bare with me.I was diagnosed with CD 2 and a half years ago.My marriage has suffered tremendously!!!I don't think my husband understands exactly what is wrong with me.he tells me, "your always sick"...or "your in the bathroom again!".I wont even get into the "bedroom" aspect of it.I am cursed with a peri-anal fistula and i have some major self esteem issues.i am afraid we are on the brink of a divorce.I am a strong christian woman and do not want to even think about going through a divorce.We have 2 little boys together, and the thought of putting them through something like that just kills me.I just need more understanding and patience from him.Some days he is wonderful, other days, he just don't get it.I guess it is hard to understand what someone with CD is going though, that is why they call it "the invisible disease".I am no a whiner, and I am not looking for sympathy, just someone to vent to i guess.Someone who might know what I am going through Smile
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06/27/2011 01:05 PM
zaftig
zaftig  
Posts: 521
Member

Although you are most definitely NOT a whiner, you have my sympathy (and empathy!) regardless. Smile

Three things come to mind when I read your post. First, how is your overall communication? The biggest thing I've had to train myself to do as a married Crohnie is to verbally share with my husband what's going on with my body- not in graphic detail, mind you, but spouses need to be at least a little educated about what's happening to us medically. For example, if my fistula is being persnickety, I make it clear to my hubby that flirty booty grabbing and spontaneous love sessions simply ain't happening until I tell him otherwise. Ever since I kept up with that communication, his feelings aren't hurt when he forgets as I try to slink away from his amorous embrace before I get a chance to visit the bathroom and "prep".

Secondly, is he aware that insensitive comments like "you're always sick" hurt you? If your health problems are negatively impacting his life, is there some way you both can find some "middle ground" and combine the lifestyles of one spouse who is healthy, and one that has a serious illness? Does he have hobbies he can enjoy in his own?

Thirdly, he's a man. They're biologically wired to protect and fix. You happen to have a disease that he can't do anything about: he can't protect you from the physical pain, and he can't fix the disease process. I'm not saying his reaction is acceptable, per se, but his frustration at the pain he sees you going through might be manifesting itself with statements that seem unsympathetic (like pointing out that you're often in the bathroom). Yes, the symptoms are happening to YOU, but they're happening to him, too, as easy as it is to forget sometimes. Smile

I sincerely hope I haven't offended you in any way. This blasted disease takes so much from us, it seems like there isn't a part of our life it doesn't try to destroy. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I wish you and your husband success in dealing with it.

Post edited by: zaftig, at: 06/27/2011 01:10 PM


06/27/2011 01:37 PM
porknang
porknang  
Posts: 903
Member

I don't get offended easliy!A lot of what you say makes perfect sense.I guess A lot of the time I just assume that he knows that I am feeling crappy!i have suggested counsuling but he just would rather not.He is a private person and would absolutly DIE if he know I was talking about it on here!We usually have open communitcation, but understanding is a different story.I don't think he fully grasps what it is that we go through.Kind of like how a man will never fully understand the pain of child birth.You just don't know until your there!

Thank you so much for your feedback!Very Helpfull!!


06/27/2011 01:40 PM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4154
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I can also empathize with you on this one. All Zaftig said is true and her communication with her husband is the classic way to deal with it. That being said, not everyone is as blessed as she is with such an understanding husband.

This disease does strain relationships. Even as a guy married to a nurse, it strains our marriage. Zaftig explained this well. As a nurse, my wife is programmed to be nurturing and helpful. It's very hard when there is so little she can really do. I get frustrated in the male role since my condition keeps me home bound. I want to do the shopping and laundry as well as dishes and vacuuming. The truth is that on most days I can't. The frustration on both our parts can lead to stupid arguments if we aren't careful. Communication is the real key.

It is also true that adversity can bring out the true nature of a person. It isn't that hard to be a good husband or wife when things are going well. It's he pitfalls that get you.

In the end, you have to fall back to your core beliefs. Be true to yourself and trust the guidance God gives you. The answer may go either way, but keep your faith and all will end well. Best wishes and feel free to lean on us. We're not here to judge.


06/27/2011 04:17 PM
porknang
porknang  
Posts: 903
Member

Such nice people in here!Im not even really sure how I stumbled on this forum...but i am truly blessed that i did!!!!

06/27/2011 04:28 PM
kildare56
kildare56  
Posts: 4154
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

We need you here. Someone has to keep me straight.
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