allie
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i lived with a recovering heroin addict for 3 years. at the time he was still attending NA. he finally got his son back and things were ok until his mandatory NA involvement ended. mean time, i got upset with him once for ignoring me about something. he'd done that several times and i stopped speaking to him for 2 days. he tried to ask me, begged me to tell him what was wrong but i kept punishing him by not talking. i left and he says he thought it was over. but he contacted me to tell me that he had a call from and old flame and because i was married, i allowed him to continue that long distant relationship with no physical contact. after a while he told me he wasn't interested in her. eventhough the whole time he was talking to her, we were together, he wouldn't stop and tell her that he was "with the love of his life" and eventually i kept finding emails between them and he had proposed marriage to her while asking me the same thing. things got out of hand and he finally stopped talking to her. but he says that from that time on, he had lost the intensity of the love he had for me. that the act of not talking to him was a form of abuse on my part. a year and a half ago he started to gamble and things just kept getting worse. i was stupid enough to believe him everytime he said he would stop and kept covering his debts to his boss. he stole from his boss to gamble and ofcourse he lost everytime. things became more complicated when his family began to interfere. i was blamed by him and his family for "enabling" him eventhough i had stopped paying for his debts for months. i did help him with his child and some of his bills. i felt sorry for his 10 year old and couldn't bare the idea that he didn't have the money to pay for insurance because his boss had stopped paying him his salary and he was working for him to payoff his debts. he had some money from food stamps but that just wasn't going to cut it. i finally left after his manipulative brother kept meddling in our private lives and turned him against me. now i wish i had kicked his brother out and stayed to get him some help. i have a hard time trying not to think about the fact that without the addiction, he and i were a very good couple and truly couldn't survive without one another. he is cold toward me now and wont tell me that he loves me anymore eventhough i know he does. before meeting him, i had a different view of addiction. i can't believe how much i've learned and how much more i need to learn. everyone, even my counselor tells me that i have to leave him and that he is my heroin and that i am addicted to him. but i don't feel that way. i could live without him just not happily. in the midst of his lowest points, both financially and other wise, he never lost his sense of humor and the strength i see and feel in him is imense. i know, if given the right opportunities, if only his family would stop interfering, he would eventually agree to get professional help. i've asked him if he could find a way to attend the "strategies for change" classes and he says he can. but how do i motivate him? how do i convince him that without counseling, he can not make his addiction manageable. how do i find a constructive way to support him without enabling him. does ignoring him help? does leaving him for good help? when does one begin to give up on someone with a disease like addiction? do we give up on the loved ones who have a physical ailment but refuse medical attention? why does society treat addiction with such venom? why do we look upon it as if it is shameful? does a person with cancer get treated the same way in society? why does everyone keep telling me to leave him? that he is no good and that he'll drag me down with him? why do wives and husbands leave their addicts so easily and blame the diseased? its not the person who is bad, its the disease taking control. why is it we never pay attention to so much research that tends to give us neurological and physical explanations for all types of addiction? why do we rule them out and only see what is right in front of us and never use our peripheral vision? |
"When I was diagnosed I was scared didn't know what to do or where to go..I started reserching bipolar and somehow ended up here at MD....Again scared but needing to know what was in store I asked a question..WOW the people who care..I know I would be lost now if I did not join..made many friends and they have helped me through thick and thin. and never judged...........XX Thank you MD and all.Love all of you.......Laurie Pachin" (puppylover)