In my manic times I have lived so freely, so openly, and I have found love and happiness that "normal" people couldn't even dream of. The problem is, it always ends, I always crash, and I always lose a piece of myself in the process.

So now here I am. Love is the thing that sets me off. The newness of it and quest for it puts me in a wonderful manic but still functional, and incredibly productive state. I eat, I work, I learn things, I explore myself and all the things that excite me. Then it fades. Normally I don't even make it past the 4 month mark and it ends. Horribly, devestatingly. I barely survive...I don't get "depressed" very often, but my manic turns into something ugly, scary, and nearly deadly. But I somehow survive each time, and come out the other end wonderful again. I obsess over those I love, I have read some articles on "obsessive love" and it describes me to a t. Love is my trigger.

So this time the relationship lasted a year and a half. The manic has been building for probably the last half of that. Not all the time, I may have a lucid day or week or even few weeks. But, I kicked him out 2 weeks ago...and he told me I needed help, and that he would help me if I would let him. I started on seroquel and slowly worked myself up to the prescribed dosage of 200mg per day, but it's making me so sad all the time, so hopeless, so...depressed, which is a rare state for me to be in since I'm mostly manic. Yesterday was my first full dose day...and I turned completely manic.

My boy says he wants to help...but I obsess so much. I feel rejected and abandoned and completely unloved.

Last night I couldn't bear the pain and wanted to end it all.

Today I need to find a way to fix myself.