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02/08/2012 04:36 PM

Hi,

Gunnergirl
Gunnergirl  
Posts: 178
Member

I am now 25 with a child of my own, but from the age of 5-16 (and a couple of incidents on visits) I was physically and mentally abused by my mother.

Some of the things she did, well, only as an adult do I start to see the sick side of what she did. (beat me, made me wash the bathroom with bleach and no goves, attacked me with an iron, left me on a freezing balcony in my underwear in winter). That's just a brief description. I have been in therapy previously to deal with these issues, and the impact they have has lessened. Well that was until I had my daughter, and I couldn't imagine doing 1 of the countless nasty things my mother did to me to my daughter. It brought up the same feeling of why? I look at my daughter everyday and tell her she is loved.

One of the other problems I have with it is I was the only one out of 3 children that got this treatment.

I have been back in therapy again lately as a so called friend who I moved in with when she was pregnant, treats her daughter like dirt, and all the same emotions come back, how could anyone do that to their kids? The thing is I know where this is going... Where it ended up after my mother treated me like that in the beginning. Even though I have filmed her lack of care, her neglect, and her nastiness to her child she still won't change. (I have her on film refusing to get her daughter a drink at 18 months of age until the kid said 'drink please'. I also have some of her daughters nappy leaking and of her calling her daughter a f**king b**ch )

I feel as nothing was done for me I have to protect this child, stand up for her, but don't want my so called mate to lose her kid when she can be nice.

I called her a bad mum and now she is making me and my soon to be 4 year old homeless, we will get housed but our official status come the end of march is homeless.

Something my therapist said today brought up more questions then it answered. She asked me if I thought I had been a bad child. My first instinct after years of training was yes. She then asked me to look at my friends daughter and asked if I thought she was a bad child. I said no.

What's he asked if it was the child's fault, I said no, and she said neither is what your mum did to you.

So now I am even more confused, because I don't know what would make someone attack only one of their 3 children and the only thing I had to go on was that I was bad, I tried to think of me as another child, but that wasn't the only thing that happened to me as a child, I was also raped a number of times by different lads who knew each other. Oldest was 17 the others closer to my age at the time 12-13.

Maybe even it wasn't true, those incidents don't make sense.

Then social services got me beaten up again and didn't help, really not bad? So why the bad stuff?

And then I move with a friends mum, and she treats me like dirt (although not physically abusive), and I get thrown out for having nightmares, and her not getting enough money for me, (I was 17)

And now my friend is kicking me and my daughter out because I told her the truth.

Now one thing is unlucky, a second is more so but then more, how can I believe I am not or was not a bad person for all that stuff to happen and to have been helpless to it all for such a long time?

As an adult I would say it is a series of unfortunate events if my friends daughter was to follow my footsteps, I would not say she was bad, I wouldn't blame her.

But I can't let go of the only thing that has made sense for the last 20 years. It feels like I'm taking a few steps back, I don't want to do that, I'm just finding right now in my life I'm struggling with my old views as a child, and my more educated views as an adult.

Sorry I really rambled,

T

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02/08/2012 08:26 PM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

You didn't ramble, you had to get it out. What your therapist asked you is something I frequently ask this group and the other group I help lead to do. To write a letter to yourself as a little girl/boy.......and imagine what you would say to a child who was going through what you went through. I'm serious, I think you should write the letter.....I think it would help.

02/08/2012 10:00 PM
Analogdog
Analogdog  
Posts: 502
Member

You are strong to speak up to your friend's abuse of their child. I feel bad for you that you are going to be homeless. I like Irishangel's post, it sounds like a valuable task. From reading what you wrote, all I can think about is your strength and perseverance. You are going to make it, and I love that you so love your daughter that you tell her that you love her. I hope you hold her tenderly when you tell her that, I have attachment wounds from a mom who did not hold me tenderly.

I hear in your post about how you want to do life well. You are on the road. Its a bumpy road, but its a good one. Here's to all of us on that path, we shall make it!

Take care.


02/09/2012 03:29 AM
barelymanic
barelymanic  
Posts: 3253
VIP Member

Unfortunately for many love does not seem to come naturally. Just a child's need for attention (especially if they are crying) can be very stressful to some and that seems to prompt abuse. Like there is some kind of crazy thinking that if we hit, then they will stop. I think that is what is behind the shaking of babies.

People just don't understand before they have a child, that having one is work. I think that is why many schools have programs where they give the students a mock marriage and baby with all the responsibilities.

I get so mad when people say a child is a blessing, not that I disagree. But I think it leads people to the wrong impression about what having a child is like. It is also a great responsibility.

Unfortunately many only look at the financial aspect of having a child. There are many rich and some famous people who grew up very poor, but their parents gave them a great deal of love and encouragement. Their parents helped build their sense of self, self control and self esteem. I believe that is what gave these people a solid foundation to succeed in life.

Now those of us who were abused and/or neglected have to find a way to build that foundation for ourselves. It's not just the wounds, it's also the lack of emotional growth that results from a lack of support growing up.

At least that is what I have realized of late. Also I woke up one morning and grieved for my mother. She was bipolar and no one helped her. I don't think they knew how to, but this resulted in her suffering and turning to drugs, sex and alcohol for relief.

I do believe that there are two types of abusers. The ones who are so needy themselves that they have a difficult time dealing with the demands of a young child and those who are mentally ill and incapable of dealing with those demands.

Sweetie gunnergirl, just because you think you triggered the abuse doesn't make the abuse your fault. We must all take some responsibility for the way we respond to others, but then again we all must accept the fact that we are mere human beings with frailties.

I hope you find healing and peace along your journey.


02/09/2012 02:10 PM
Gunnergirl
Gunnergirl  
Posts: 178
Member

Thanks for your replies,

Irish, I will definitely think about doing the letter, I can see how that would be helpful.

Analogdog, I do hold my daughter tenderly, we hug and I kiss her forehead many times a day. Thanks also for your words of encouragement.

Barely manic, thanks for the post it was interesting to read.

Thanks again

T


02/27/2012 06:40 AM
Zimmerdylan
Posts: 13
Member

If it helps....I write to my inner child all the time. Many times I talk to him when he is feeling the way you described in your post. It always helps to address that person inside of you who was there in those moments in time.

Sometimes...I feel like I ramble too. But really, there is no such thing as rambling in these situations. It helps you, doesn't it? So thanks for sharing your story and know that there are so many others who have been the victim of abuse who feel the exact same way that you do. I for one completely understand everything you are going through.


02/27/2012 08:55 AM
cmany
cmany  
Posts: 6930
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I just wanted to give a little insight from my own experiences...

I had a friend who was the middle of 3 children...the only girl...and she was horribly abused by her mother, her boyfriends, and both of her brothers...

I had been witness to it on several occasions...and always put my foot down...oddly, I would get barred from the house...but even as a kid...realized that if I just showed up...she wouldn't turn me away...

As we grew older...I realized that there was a huge level of jealousy on the part of the mother...her daughter was her exact opposite...and it became apparent that the mother resented her for being so different...

My friend was fair skinned, beautiful golden hair...very pretty...her mother was the opposite...and her daughter was always so well liked by other parents...by her teens, her mother was just awful...and she left to live with her boyfriends family...whose mother just adored her...

I think that when a mother does these things...in part, she is just mentally off kilter...but when they see something in the child that they want for themselves, they grow bitter and resentful...and that can cause them to do horrible things to that child...

I am sorry that you are going to be homeless...but you did do the right thing...what your friend is doing to her own is not right...you have done what you could...and now it is time to take care of yourself and your own child...

You know what you DON'T want to be as a parent...Have faith in that...believe in yourself...and find the path that best suits the both of you...It is hard to move forward when you know someone else is being hurt...but sometimes...we have to accept the fact that we can make our best effort at changing it...and that sometimes...in reality...our best efforts fall short...we can only try...

Be strong

Christine

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