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03/11/2012 01:27 PM

Where does it all end?

Zimmerdylan
Posts: 13
Member

As most of you know, I am relatively new to this forum. But unfortunately, my problem is not new. I have been dealing with this thing for so long that I can't even remember a time when I wasn't haunted by it.

As an adult, I have tried everything from counseling, diet changes, group therapy, and inner child work yet this thing still comes back to kick me every time. The strange part is that I have done everything by the numbers. I have worked tirelessly and made so many sacrifices, I have been honest with myself in dealing with this problem. I even sat with my father while on his deathbed, heard his confessions and forgave him with no conditions. I did so with all of my heart. Yet this thing seems to chip away at my life and hinder everything I do.

And now...I am separating from my wife as of this week. We love each other very much. I do not abuse her or my child. Other than this problem, we get along very well. She does not want to leave and I do not want her to go but she says that she is not strong enough to keep going. I told her before we got married 6 years ago that this thing would be a problem and that she would end up becoming another victim of it. And of course she assured me that this would never happen.

Well....this last week I had a fit and beat (with my fist) our cable TV box. I broke it, pretty much smashed it. It was made of steel. Now this may not seem too terrible but you have to understand that this year alone I have put my fist through 6 computer monitors, 1 car window, put a wrench through a windshield, 3 holes in the walls, busted the front door of our house, 1 hole on the kitchen floor, and destroyed a computer chair. There is probably more but I am not going to sit here and go on and on about it. Of all of the things I have overcome, this is the only thing that I cannot seem to figure out. And now it has potentially cost me my family. And I cannot blame them.

I have been trying to assure my inner child and use positive reinforcement to keep the toxic shame and self loathing to a minimum. I talk to him, I write out my memories and re-assure him that these terrible things that happened were not his fault and that he was a victim and not the instigator. I try and correct the behavior with compassion and understanding. But I often feel like I do not pay him enough attention and when these seemingly random episodes occur, nothing I say or do can control them.

I am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I feel hopeless today. And honestly.....I am cursing my father for giving this to me. As much as I want to love him.....I hate him right now. And I hate that......

Anyone else suffer from this???

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03/11/2012 02:17 PM
ange2009
ange2009  
Posts: 375
VIP Member

bypolar is evil,it eats you up,please fight it.let your father be,you are in charge here,no blame no guilt,just keep your head up,get the right treatment,dont go in the past.

i am heartbroken to see so much misery is caused by mental illness.

i will keep you in my prayers.

have you tried to surrender to god..sounds weird perhaps..but it gets a load of your back.

every morning,tell god that you will deal with whatever comes your way..god wont fix things..you dont tell god what to do..but ask him for strenght..you will have it.


03/11/2012 03:18 PM
Zimmerdylan
Posts: 13
Member

I have to tell you. I am not Bipolar. I have explosive compulsive disorder (related to impulsive disorders) most likely brough on by the abuse I suffered as a child. I do not suffer mood swings. I do not go to the extremes that bipolars suffer. My demeaner is consistant. I am absolutely fully aware of my condition. And know that the answer lies somewhere within me. http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Explosive_disorder <----this is a brief explanation. Again...I am fully aware of my condition.

Not to be rude but it sounds as though you are not familiar with what I am going through. Internet diegnosis can be a dangerous thing if given to the wrong person in the wrong frame of mind. So please be careful to whom you throw your terms around to. If you suffer from a similar illness or can relate to Explosive compulsive disorder, or you have frequent violent outbursts, please share your experiences with me.

And no....God is not the answer for me. I am glad that your belief system works for you but I do not believe in it. I will not entertain religious conversation here. Only that I am not for the option. Again....if it works for you, I am certainly happy for you and hope that it continues to be a point of light to you. So please....don't try and recriut me into Christianity or any other religion. I would appreciate it.

My main question is: has anyone else gone though this? And if so.....what are you doing or what have you done in the way of getting help?

Thanks.


03/11/2012 05:43 PM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

I don't suffer from this in the way you describe, but I still have some advice. Maybe instead of reassuring your inner little boy for awhile, let him express his anger safely......like join a gym with a punching bag, work out and let him express his anger in that way.......maybe it's not him blaming himself, maybe it is just anger at the whole situation, and that's valid too.

03/11/2012 08:05 PM
Zimmerdylan
Posts: 13
Member

Oh wow....never mind. I don't believe anyone here ever survived abuse......This is the most common problem of abused children. Research shows that upward of 80% of the prisoners in jail for violent crimes suffer from this disorder passed through abusive parents. I am hard pressed to believe that on an abuse survivor's forum no one knows of such a common problem.

Although I appreciate your "advice" for lack of a better term. I need a forum or a place where people survived...well....abuse. I just do not see that here. I am beginning to think this forum is full of do gooders who think theyr'e doing poor abused people some kind of favor. If that's the case.....please don't. If you weren't ever in fear of your mortal exsistance, if you got a belt accross the a$$ once and it hurt, if you think you understand the long reaching pain and suffering of real abuse but never felt truly helpless while praying to god....any god to stop the pain and hurt, and if you don't know the difference between the 2 fore mentioned (pain and hurt). Then don't try to help those who have. All you will ever do is cause those people to suffer that much more.

I will not be back to this forum so you needn't waste your time responding to this. Again...thanks for your "help" but no thanks.


03/11/2012 08:42 PM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

*sigh* don't worry folks, i'm on it.

03/11/2012 09:36 PM
lostangel777
lostangel777  
Posts: 107
Member

Been there and seen it. I am leaving my husband because of his crazy fits of anger and the destruction of the house, I mean holes in the the walls, broken furniture, thrown things at me, the list goes on, but guess what, he wasn't hit or verbally abused by his parents, so sometimes it not because we were abused, it can because of other reasons.

However, when no one is around and I am mad as hell, I used to trash the room like crazy...the last time I did that was a couple of months into therapy and meds, which was early 2011. However, I did verbally yell at a rude parking attendant and snapped at my husband two days ago, but it was because I found out my son might be having hearing issues, he is only a toddler. I have not yelled at a stranger in years!!! And my husband in a long while. So, maybe finding the right doctor and meds might work for you. Because I have broken chairs, cussed out police officers, and I am now changed, mellow women, that people think I am quiet as a church mouse, sweet as pie and I am not walking around as a zombie on meds. The thoughts of me being abused do churn in my head on a daily basis, but that's another issue I have to deal with, one thing at a time Smile

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