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02/25/2012 12:39 AM

Writing things down

Zimmerdylan
Posts: 13
Member

So as part of my inner child therapy, I take time to write out a diary of incidences from my childhood. These are incidences of abuse that I recall from from random time periods. I then write a little paragraph to this scared little boy inside of me explaining that this was'nt ok. and that I did not deserve to be treated this way. Then I tell my little boy inside of me that I love him and I am there for him.

When I am writing these scenes out, I rarely stop to think about what they really mean or represent. I honestly don't even think of them as terrible abuse at the time I'm trying to remember them. Sometimes I even ask myself..."was that really abuse?". But I write everything I can remember about the event down in the best datail that I can recall. I try to stick to the actual facts and not comment on how I personally feel about what was going on.

But when I read it back to myself, I without exception cannot believe that this happened to me. Even more astonishing....it happened to a young boy. I just want to grab this kid and run with him as far away as I can. I want to protect him. It rips me apart inside.

Perhaps the saddest part of it is that when I first started writing these things out. I was guessing that I would run out of things to write after a few weeks. I have been writing at least once a week and many times twice a week for 2 years and I have never been short on these terrible memories.

I write this thread because I just finished writing a story this evening and it is heavy on my mind.

Here is the story:

It was a Saturday. Dad, Janet, Chrys, and I had spent the day at Huffman Dam fishing. I was 4. It was late in the day and we were on our way home. The drive was fairly long. I don't really remember because I was 4 at the time. I was not particularly good at holding in my pee. I always tried for as long as I could but if I was not near a bathroom, I would pee my pants. I remember letting it go and the feeling of it wetting my pants. I remember thinking that it might dry before we got to the house. I had peed my pants before and it always led to a beating. And this time was no exception. We got out of the car, I tried to hide it but my stepmother saw. She grabbed my arm and said "What is this??" as she smacked me on the head. She looked at my father and said "Larry, look at what your son did!" My father then grabbed me by my hair and lifted me to his eye level. I have to explain this because he did this a lot. He would ball his fist on the top of my head and pick me up by whatever hair he managed to grab in his hand. It was very painful. He picked me up and said "How many times have I told you not to piss your pants?" "Why can't you piss in a toilet?". He then shook me as he held me there and said "Answer me!!". I of course was already crying and asking him to stop. All I could say was "I don't know daddy......I don't know". I just wanted him to put me down. He took me into the house and stood me on the kitchen table. He took my pants and underwear off of me and said "You want to embarrass yourself and me by pissing your goddamn pants young man, then I'm going to let you do it!". He then took my dirty underwear and placed them on my head with the dirty part in my face. I was made to stand there for 10 or 15 minutes like that while the rest of my family did whatever it was that they were doing. I remember asking myself if this was ever going to stop. I felt dirty and truly ashamed. Even worse...I actually felt like I deserved it because I peed my pants. I was sent to my bedroom and told to go to bed right afterward.

Note to my inner child:

Accidents happen little boy. I love you. Hold on to me and let me hug you. If you have an accident, do not be afraid, I'll understand. I won't beat you up for it. No one should beat up on a wonderful little boy like you. You can trust me, I am there for you. It's OK.

I share this because I know many of you have had similar experiences. And all I can say to you is: No one deserves to be treated that way. No one.......

Post edited by: Zimmerdylan, at: 02/25/2012 12:42 AM

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02/25/2012 07:21 AM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

I think a lot of us had the same issue with the accidents partly because of the anxiety of it all......we lived in constant fear as little kids, of course we had accidents. Growing up with my second home, my "safe home" being a daycare I got to see it all. Having accidents while anxious is pretty common for little kids.

02/25/2012 08:01 AM
ange2009
ange2009  
Posts: 375
VIP Member

no child should ever be treated like this,ever.accidents will happen..so what.I wish you the best,and send you my prayers,and positive thoughts.

02/25/2012 10:22 PM
Analogdog
Analogdog  
Posts: 502
Member

Oh, man, I wish I could remember life at 4 years old, I bet it was like this, too. Only my father was the great protector, and mom the great instigator. I only say I wish I could remember this is so I could write it down and recover from it.

I agree, no child should be punished like this, heck, my son was like this when he was 4 or 5, and we just happily changed his clothes, and went on with business, no big deal with lots of love. Thank god for my wife, she was raised with total love, and gives total love to our son. Its wonderful unless I feel needy, then I feel cheated.

Post edited by: Analogdog, at: 02/25/2012 10:23 PM

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