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08/09/2011 11:27 PM

How Do I Help My Husband ???

GodsWillAmen
 
Posts: 58
Member

I need some direction or advice from you all on how to help my husband. There is so much he refuses to acknowledge. Nothing I do to help is ever any good to him, it only makes him angrier. He is filled with numbness and bitter rage, and I am the one he takes it all out on, and blames. Our life is at a stand still. Our marriage is not a marriage at all. He sweeps everything under the rug, and pretends all is well, then the next minute he snaps, and his anger and emotions take control. I have no experience with any of this, coming from a pretty "boring family," with a Dad that adored my Mom and us kids. Coming from that kind of family, he seems to resent me for it. He hears my Mom and I talking about family times, and it just makes him mope even more. My Mom and I both love him and want him to find a way out of this place he continues to live, but he will not seek any kind of help, or talk to anyone about it. What do I do ? How do I help ? Can I help ? What do I say ? If he is not ready to seek help, then where is my place in any of it ? Do I simply sit back and let him find his path on his own ? It is something that has taken over our whole lives. I am constantly thinking about how to say or do something that will get to his core, but it is all pretend. I don't even feel like I am living sometimes, and if I am, it is his life and his problems. I realize his problems are mine since we are married, but does that negate his responsibility to make himself be the best he can be ? Again, I am here, wanting to help, but nothing ever helps him. I am stumped. Any suggestions ???
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08/10/2011 04:35 AM
barelymanic
barelymanic  
Posts: 3253
VIP Member

Wow, i hate to say this but it sounds like he has a mental disorder, possible bipolar or PTSD. Many people say if you do not have flashbacks you are not suffering from PTSD, but some sufferers say that is not true, flashbacks are considered the hallmark symptom of PTSD.

Is he having a tough time at work of something, sometimes stress makes the symptoms worsen. Nobody can get into his head so all we can do is give you suggestions that may or may not help.

Try being as affectionate as you can tolerate, but not when he is angry because he will probably just push you away, which will make it harder for you to love him and show him affection. Realize that he has been through a horrible trauma when he was too young and vulnerable to do anything about it. This is why we often go into denial. Most therapists, etc. do not understand child abuse and how it affects us. You are lucky to find a good therapist. He may also need medications, but i am not a doc and can't say.

Also docs have to see you in person to judge things other than just what you say.

Encourage him very gently and try to be patient. I know how hard this is, but it is the only advice i can think of to give. Don't push hard whatever you do, people can get violent when pushed really hard. Not saying that he will, just saying don't take that risk.


08/10/2011 02:00 PM
GodsWillAmen
 
Posts: 58
Member

Thanks barelymanic for your reply, and your suggestions. I am trying to be as patient as I can, and yes it is hard. I feel like all I do is walk around on eggshells trying not to say or do anything to set him off. I realize that what he has experienced as a child was a horrible thing to happen to any child, and it pretty much stopped his development in a healthy kind of way, which makes him see everything rather mixed up and confused. My heart goes out to him on this and I have loved him and love him despite it all. I know that he will not seek help from anything I say or do, he has to get to a point to KNOW he needs help, and be ready to go through the process that help might offer. I fear that the cycle will continue to just destroy him if he doesn't get to that point, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do, except keep praying. I myself have taken a step outside of all of this and sought my own help to try to find some direction. I finally found a therapist experienced with all of this, so at least I am being pro active.

08/12/2011 09:41 PM
UUPagan7
 
Posts: 18
Member

I know first hand what abuse does to someone and how it damages people. I urge you to please keep yourself safe. These bursts of anger aren't your fault, the reasons for them aren't your fault, and if he doesn't get better or get help it's not your fault. We learn in recovery that we are victims turned survivors and that as adults we still make choices we need to be responsible for. Reasons for our behavior are usually not the same as excuses. I know for myself I lash out when I shouldn't at times because I was raised to never express my anger. According to my mother my anger was unwarranted because *I* was the burden in her life, what made her life so difficult. Now I am learnign to feel angry and at times it comes out where I don't want it and how I don't want it but I recognize it and apologize and make an effort to not do it the next time.

Are you in therapy too? I would recommend that, or even if he isn't a substance abuser contact Al-Anon for advice about how to deal with a toxic person you love very much. He may or may not realize it, but he is very lucky to have you.


08/12/2011 11:54 PM
GodsWillAmen
 
Posts: 58
Member

Thank you UUPagan7....these words you have just expressed to me means alot. They are also encouraging and quite familiar. My husband's mom also continually told him "he" was the reason for her sacrifices in life and for him not to ever forget it. To this day, he cowers around her, and she is still saying those things to him. She has had very abrupt outbursts all of his life. She also came from an abusive family. I only have bits and pieces of the family history. A little comes out as the years pass. Everyone sweeps everything under the rug, and wears a mask, as if all is right in the world. It is not all right.

I applaud you seeking answers and help with your abuse, and being pro-active in stopping the cycle. I am terribly sorry, and believe me when I say, that it aches my heart to know you or anyone else in the world has had to suffer these horrendous crimes. I have a deep conviction to learn and help stop it myself. I am trying to find direction in that area.

Thank you also, for being concerned about my safety. Rest assured I take precautions. His anger is verbal, and tearing our home up, and breaking things, at the moment. I do not mean to sound as if that isn't enough, because it is too much. Recently, there was a driving crazy moment and that could have killed us both. I told him I wanted out, and I ended up walking all of the way home. I am not naive to think he doesn't want to hurt me physically, because right now he hurts me emotionally. I know that is usually the next step. I have also assured him his life will cease as he knows it now, and all of his secrets will be revealed to everyone I can get to listen, if he ever lays a hand on me. I shouldn't have to wait for that, because I should probably do it now, but I am still learning what best to do in this situation. That does seem to take some of his power trip away from him. And yes, I have just recently started therapy for myself. I want to help him, and I want to understand, and help the pain go away, but I also need help.

Everyday I choose to stay and battle his pain with him, takes a little more out of me. I love him and want the best life for him, but I can't let me totally slip away either, or neither of us will be any good, for anybody.

Thanks again for your kind words. They touched me deeply. Take care and keep in touch.


08/13/2011 12:32 PM
UUPagan7
 
Posts: 18
Member

Anytime. Feel free to message me. Smile
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