Hello

Three years ago I met, and subsequently married, a wonderful, caring, patient man who suffers from severe chronic pain due to an injury he sustained in 2002. He has been a loving stepfather to my nine year old son, and we recently brought a beautiful little daughter into the world. While I am grateful for all of the good things in our life, the shadow of my husband's pain is always over us.

He is, of course, on several medications, none of which seem to do him much good. I've seen him treated like a criminal, like a drug addict, for simply trying to get some small, temporary relief from professionals who are supposed to help. People, in general, don't understand. They assume that he ought to be able to "do something" about it.

As for me, I know his pain will never go away. I wish I could give him just one day in which he might feel almost normal, but I accept that it will not happen. I want to be supportive and understanding and kind, and I try, but sometimes I feel so shut out, and I resent it. He says I can never fully understand what he goes through, and I know he's right about that. I cannot subjectively feel his pain, but I'm here, and I care, and I fight for him every single day. I fight for all of us.

...I just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to live with and love someone who hurts all the time...

Welcome to the group!! I applaud you for actively seeking out ways to help your husband

I understand where you're coming from. My husband, too, suffers from chronic pain and the time's coming (probably soon) when we'll have to look at some surgical options. My mom struggles, hour to hour, to live with rheumatoid arthritis, degenerative disc disease, ibs, fibro and other things.

My husband, like yours, builds walls and it's so infuriating ! Maybe we can learn, together, how to get through to them

Feel free to PM me anytime!!

His pain actually stems from an injury (he broke 4 vertebrae in his back, 2 in his neck, and sustained a head injury). That was back in 2002, before we met. Since then he's developed degenerative arthritis is one of the discs in his low back and high blood pressure as a result of the pain. He also has short-term memory loss, so he doesn't always remember what he has and has not told doctors. I'd go with him, but he prefers to go alone. I think another member on the Chronic Pain board hit it on the head when she suggested that shutting the partner out is a defense against being defined by the pain/disease/illness. I'm going to work on that hypothesis for a while and see what happens because, yes, it is infuriating to be shut out. I mean, since we met 3 years after his accident, I knew exactly what I was getting into: he's permanently disabled so we are, for all intents and purposes, a single-income family; he has a hard time helping out around the house because he can't sit or stand for any length of time and requires frequent rest; certain activities are pretty much off limits, i.e., hiking, movies... anything that keeps him from changing position or resting frequently... I could go on, but I'm sure you have similiar issues with your husband and your mom.

Whew! I didn't mean to go on for so long! It's just such a relief to talk to people who get it, you know? I mainly wanted to say THANK YOU for taking the time to read this and the invitation to talk. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, and I'll send a little prayer up for your husband, your mom, and YOU.