I am 19 years old and currently studying science undergraduate at univeristy in second year. I moved away from my family when i was 18 to start going to school and it has been really hard living away from home and having all this extra pressure.
I have always had a strange relationship with found since i was young, i come from a big family of boys so it was always eat or be eaten in our household and it was always a race to get to seconds (thirds and even fourths) and if you had a block of chocolate you had to eat it right then and there because it wouldnt be there 5 minutes later.
Since i can remember i have always eaten to i was completely and utterly full where i even felt sick becuase i had eaten to much, it never occured to me to just eat for the sake of satisfying hunger or more importantly to STOP if i was full.
I started dieting when i was 12 years old and started bingening when i was 16.
I thought i had stumbled onto a gold mine eat whatever i wanted and not get fat!
I started bulima when i was 16 but stopped and didnt start again until i was 17-18 yrs old and moved away from home and gained 10kg.
I struggled to lose the weight with normal dieting so i turned to purging again, then i fell into a short spell of anorexia.
However i then went through a very stressful time and decided to find solace in food which is when i began my binge-purge cycle again.
Only recently had my binging and purging become out of control, where i am binge once sometime twice a day and doing it in ever risky situation where i could get caught.
I dont understand why i binge, i know my trigger is being upset and i am an emotional eater but i hate that i dont even like binge-purging, i hate doing it and i hate myself after it so i dont understand wh i continue to do something i hate.
Every time that i go into my binging cycle i almost get this high feeling where my heart beats faster and i completely let myself go and lose control.
I decided it was time to get help becuase i dont like being bulimic it has no benifits only negative side effects for me but i cant seem to stop myself from going into urges like a drug addict.
