I am 23 and have been bulimic since I was 16. I grew up the fat kid. I weighed 250 pounds at 15. I was harassed every day of high school fro either being fat or gay. I was extremely depressed at 15 and decided to lose the weight because of the amount of hatred i felt towards myself. I ut photos of myself all over my room that had words like fat ass and ugly on them. I also covered a wall in my bedroom with photos of men from magazines who had perfect bodies to aspire too. I tried every diet you can imagine, atkins, vegan, weight watcher, jenny craig, seattle suttons meal plans, fasting. I have tried everything. I lost the first 50 pounds very fast. Excersicing like a fiend and barely eating hepled by weight loss pills all while struggling through high school. By the time I graduated high school my bulimia was only an occasional thing of where I would diet for a while and then binge randomly from being so hungry and then puke it up. I think there are a lot of things that contributed to my issues. My father had always judged me for being his fat kid, him and my brother are very athletic. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 13 and it was always just a fact that mom had cancer. When I went to college out of state i was the thinnest I have ever been. 150 pounds on my six ft frame. I was throwing up everyday all while keeping up the impression to my group of friends that I was totally normal. I told a friend once that I was bulimic and she immediatly stopped being my friend. I don't tell anyone about this. It is now five years since my freshman year and life has pretty much sucked really hard. I got a phone call two years ago saying that the meds had stopped working for my mom. I went home and took care of her for a year. I watched my mother go from a healthy grown woman to a frail skeleton. I took care of her everyday and stayed with her in the hospital throughout everything. Her bone marrow transplant was not succesful. I watched my mother die and my step dad as well. He died two months before her from multiple myloma. I think she just gave up from a broken heart. Since two years ago, my bulimia has gotten worse and worse. I live back in the state i had gone to college now. I am utterly lost. I have no ambition to what my future can hold because of the past that keeps me so fucked up in the present. I could write so much more but I dont know when to stop writing about all the deppresing shit that keeps happening all around me. I want to live life. Something I dont think i have done in a very long time. I need help but have no idea what to do. I am a very responsible and smart man but am so sick in the head. There is a support group in my town for anorexics and bulimics but i am way too freaked out to go. I live in a small town and for anyone to know my secret would crumble everything I have worked so hard to portray. I just want to be normal. |
