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12/19/2009 01:38 PM

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY(page 6)

terrified
terrified  
Posts: 240
Member

Also, I am afraid its going to backfire... that the mom that used to terrify me when I was younger will suddenly start to come out... or that she will blame me, or be strict or hurt me.. i can't handle being hurt.... Sad I can't !!!
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12/19/2009 09:05 PM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

You will survive being hurt if that happens because you aren't a child anymore and, as an adult, you do have choices. You can tell her how you feel, you can get up and leave, you can call someone else or come on here and post. It does sound like your mother is really trying to be a different kind of a mom and that's because she truly does love you. However, she obviously does have issues and she might let you down and that's why we all need a whole network of support. None of us is perfect and if someone in our support network has a bad day then we need to have others to fall back on. You're doing great building a support network because you are reaching out and adding people one at a time.

12/20/2009 07:18 AM
AlysonViv
 
Posts: 20
New Member

Telling your parents is a great step. I told my parents about five years ago, but my parents are foreign and eating disorders are not as prevalent in their home country. So they had no idea what I was going through, and it was hard for them to sympathize, and my mom is definitely the main emotional triggerer. So, your are blessed that your mom understands. If there are any questions you aren't comfortable with answering, just tell your mom that you aren't ready to talk about every aspect of the disorder, but let her know you appreciate her support. Sometimes it's hard to answer questions about bulimia because it's hard to put all of our emotions and problems and feelings into words.

Lali, I think this captain that you fly with may definitely be a trigger!!! This is the second time you've mentioned him. I hope your flight went well, and that you were able to make your train connection. Stress in generally usually triggers the binges for me. So my best bet is not to purge afterwards because then I can at least stop half of the cycle from recurring.

Jebsmom, your advice on progress, not perfection has been so helpful!!! I caught myself about to binge yesterday, and I was able to identify what I was feeling, and decided to talk to my mom and my boyfriend about what I was feeling. And by doing that, a dozen of cookies survived uneaten.

CrazyCat, how have you been doing??


12/20/2009 10:19 AM
terrified
terrified  
Posts: 240
Member

Jebsmom, Alyson, thank you for the replies. I am so glad I can come and report what I am going through to all of you.. I love you so much...

Today I know that I physically didn't eat much, but I am bloated and feel fat and disgusting... like I've been binging all day... but I will not purge... and I am writing here instead.. help me get through this night... I am studying for my GREs Sad because of work, I only started studying tonight, and I am due to take them on the 23rd... I'm crazy I know.. and I am worried and stressed... but I had no choice.. and my job is too demanding, and so there was no way that I could fit in study hours, work and keep my sanity... I hope I am not considered lazy... ok, now I feel bad.. I hope I do well, so that I don't hate myself... even more than I do...

Lali... I miss you, can't wait for you to get back and tell me all about your trip.. I wish you had access to mdj from the cockpit Smile and I agree with Aly, is there a history between you and the pilot?

Crazycat,Aly, how are you doing? and Jebsmom, you weren't feeling too well at the beginning of the month, how are you feeling now?

hope everyone is having a nice and relaxing weekend... with us,there is no such thing as a relaxing weekend, not with the way our mind functions and processes thoughts and emotions every second of the day...

I'll check in with all of you tomorrow... please be well.. (sorry I am overly emotional today so excuse my being overly sentimental and mushy Wink )

Hugs,

Terri

Post edited by: terrified, at: 12/20/2009 10:20 AM


12/20/2009 05:14 PM
CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

Wow, Terri that is a big step telling your mom. I am glad she was supportive and try not to worry about the future with her. My friends mom told my mom as my friend was worried well when she confronted me I told her yes and all she could say is kill yourself if you want to. Actually, my mom was more restricter/exercise so I don't think she minded. I have never talked to her about anything, to scared. Like Jebsmom said I am glad I have this site and you all. Don't stress out to much studying.

Alysonviv, I am doing good, how r u? Okay not good but hanging in there. It has been a pretty stressful weekend. My hubby is older so my step-daughter is only 9 yrs younger and she is staying with us while her hubby is away for a couple weeks. She is about to drive me for real crazy as my time is not happening. I love to read or get on here and post without people being in my space. Ughhh! My other step-daughter came over and we all went shopping, I could not wait to come home. I love them both (twins) but was not at all in the mood. I purged 3 times today just out of pure frustration. How sad is that? Okay sorry totally got on my soapbox so I am going to stop. I hope everybody had a good weekend.


12/21/2009 08:23 AM
maisen
maisen  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

Congrats Terri on telling your Mom! That is a huge step and one which I hope will be rewarding. My mom turned out to be my greatest supporter so I hope yours does too! Jebsmom is right, you can have choices so make the best ones for you!!

I just wanted to let you guys know too that I probably won't be on the site on the weekends for a while. My hubby is going through a real computer jealousy stage and if I even look at the computer he comes up with some project we need to do right away!


12/21/2009 10:04 AM
terrified
terrified  
Posts: 240
Member

I hope you are right... I think for the first time in my life, I have broken the barrier between my mother and I.

One thing I have not been honest with her about though, is that she was partly (don't know how accurate that is) responsible for my developing an ED Sad but that's not something I see myself opening up to her about... I'd rather keep that in therapy (which btw, I have not done openly yet... too much guilt involved when talking badly about someone, let alone my mother!). But I guess, I need to redefine support when it comes to my mother... a clean slate. I don't feel that I ought to be creating any negative feelings at the moment ( I fear doing so by being too honest, or opening up about my childhood and my past), but rather embrace her willingness to support me the way no one can... does that make sense? is that the right thing to do? Blush


12/21/2009 10:54 AM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

I tried talking to my mom about things that she did that caused my addictions but it didn't turn out well so I don't go there anymore with her. All moms are different so I don't think anyone can say what will work in your situation for sure. Better to move slowly as you have been though.

12/21/2009 12:58 PM
CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

So true Jebsmom. I think we all just want someone to tell us that they love us and everything will be alright. I have never had the support of my parents and I guess sometimes want to have it so bad like it will make all my problems go away. The fact that it won't and there is no magic wand we have to be here for each other. We can be here to help each other and be the ones to say things can get better and hope is out there.

12/21/2009 01:21 PM
Lali
Posts: 22
New Member

Hi... Sad

I dont know how to start, I have read all your new posts since I disappeared between flights, trains, and time changes.

Terri, well, you have purged I have binged, I tried really hard not to purge and since to me that is not an option anymore I have been feeling so bad that I have pretty much binged for three days in a row, until this morning that I decided not to look at the mirror and try to put everything in place (quick diet I guess) until I feel comfortable to look at myself again, I feel awful now.. fat, ugly, disgusted...

Reasons?, I dont know, I dont know, still and that is driving me a little crazy. I know the stress of flying with that captain didnt do any good to me and coming back home has made things worse, it always does, it always happens the first few days I am here, so I guess there's something over here that produces me a huge anxiety and I dont really know what it is.. Again, my childhood was a mess, my dad was absolutely irresponsible and my mom had to tell him to leave. She has never been strong, so since I was very little I took the roll of my dad at home and my mom instead of being a support for me has always been all the way around, she was the kid, I was the adult and still, things havent changed. The relation with my parents is ok, it cant be different, makes no sense in a Mediterranean country, we are just way too close to the family. Every time I come back home, everything is waiting for me to get fixed, my brother's problems, my mom's problems, her business... I didnt cry much in this life, I couldnt afford it. I became so responsible of everything and everyone that even the serious relationships I have had ended up by been a huge weight on my back because everyone leaned on me, including my boyfriend... That has given me two problems, one is that I am the support of everyone and I dont really have anyone to support me and the second is that everyone expects always perfection, they are used to count on someone who wont let them down.. Unfortunately me too... And perfection means everything, professionally and also physically.

Terri, you are a lucky girl, I think is great you were able to tell your mom, I cant tell mine. She is a great mom and I know she will never take something like that with a negative attitude but, BUT, she already has many concerns and issues, I cant make her feel that me, the strong daughter, I am so weak and sick because I don't know how she will deal with it. My brother had a lot of problems with gambling and I am the one in charge of him (controlling his accounts, therapy…), as you can imagine is kind of difficult to do all this from the far, from another country, but I do it because my mom cant, she has faught a lot for all of us and I understand she is tired, so that's why I don't want to tell her.

Now the answer to your question about this captain.. well, there's a way in your country and mine to call what he does with me, clearly sexual harassment, sadly where I work things are not like that. The guy happens to be my boss, he is not only a captain but also the chief pilot, so he decides many things that are directly related to my career. I have to be fair and mention that he has never tried to go beyond certain limits but still, I cant stand the comments, the calls to the hotel's room, the way he makes the office to change my schedule so I'll end up by flying with him despite the plans I had for the flights I had requested… a mess.. that's it. Every time I know I'll fly with him I start to think about it 3 weeks ahead and I really get stressed... I am in a long haul fleet, my flights are really long, some of them last around 17 hours imagine how is to be sat next to someone who you don't like with no one else around..

Anyway.. sorry for the long message.. I was missing all of you.. Thanks for asking about me Terri and let's keep the good work, no one said that this was going to be easy but I guess both of us are doing the effort of changing things… we'll reach our goal.. I am sure of it!!.

Love..

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