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07/13/2009 03:55 PM

Please help me I REALLY need some support now!!

LeslieI
LeslieI  
Posts: 255
Member

I have been fighting on and off with eating disorders (in particular bulimia) for over 20 years. I had it under control until recently when a drug prescribed to me for bipolar(Seroquel)caused me to gain like 80lbs in 5 months.

I've since stopped taking the Seroquel but haven't seem to be able to lose any of the weight.

Well this afternoon I had an appointment with a new doc, and as usual, I asked them to let me stand on the scale backwards because seeing BIG numbers on the scale can cause a trigger which causes me to in turn start binging and purging again. Well I was so proud of myself because I had gone 5 days without purging and had even come clean with my doc about the bulimia and the concern that I might have done some damage to my esophagus or stomach. We'll the appt went fine at first and she sent me over to the nurse to get my blood drawn to check my thyroid levels (I was diagnosed with underactive thyroid). Well, I'm sitting there in the nurses office and she comes in and proceeds to lecture me that I need to get my weight down below 200. I have never been this heavy in my life and when I first found out how much weight I had gained from the Seroquel, I literally wanted to put a gun to my head. By the way, I also suffer from severe depression, bipolar, agorophobia, and social anxiety. I haven't worked in almost two years now and everyday I wake up I feel like I wish I wasn't even here. I often have suicidal ideation which my therapist is aware of and she knows that I'm struggling to recover.

Anyway, after I explained all this to her she kept insisting on me seeing a dietician, telling me to exercise more (I already do 60 mins of cardio 3x a week) and on top of all that - she wanted to make me come all the way down to the VA in 3 weeks just for a "weight check". I am so depressed right now I don't know what to do. I have no more friends in real life except for my Mom. I just can't believe that a doctor wouldn't be aware that there are certain things you don't bring up to a person with an ED, especially weight because it can be a trigger. All I can think about now is how much I want to binge and purge and down a 12 pack of beer when I get done. By the way when I brought up how I had suicidal ideation, she asked me if I had a plan. I don't but I was angry I said, "as a matter of fact I do, but I'm not telling what it is". I'm definately going to ask for a new doctor and am thinking about making a complaint.

How can doctors be so callous??? It's bad enough that I feel like crap but having it brought to my attention only made it worse.

Sorry for the long rant. I just really need any support I can get, even if it's just "I understand".

Leslie

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07/13/2009 04:46 PM
fairyskyla
 
Posts: 27
Member

HI Leslie,

It seems we have a lot in common. I also am taking Seroquel for my bipolar disorder. I take the lowest dose 25mg before going to bed. I am on the road to recovery as far as my bulemia goes. So far I have seen brighter days but I haven't purged or binged and have been a good girl and just fighting the urges off. I do weigh myself everyday, I do restrict my daily calorie intake. I weigh 11 pounds more than I should which depresses me. But I keep telling myself that I will lose these 10 pounds like a normal person. I mean that's what I want to do is live like a normal person, and be happy and healthy. I don't want to hurt myself anymore and I don't want to stick my head down the toilet anymore either yuk...I know too much information but I think of those things and that is what stops me from binging and purging. Some days it's harder than others, but it's getting easier. I know the extra weight from the meds isn't helping your mental outlook at this time. I suggest seeing a nutritionist so you can get a healthy meal plan so you can lose the weight. I know you don't want to but that will definetely help your weight situation. Everything will be okay. I know the number on the scale is what we think of as defining us. It makes us or breaks us if we let it, but don't the number on the scale isn't you as a person. Take things one day at a time. I'm here anytime you need to talk.

Post edited by: fairyskyla, at: 07/13/2009 04:51 PM


07/14/2009 07:35 AM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

Leslie, so glad that you are here. I know you're frustrated and I encourage you to name why you feel anxious about the weight and also why you feel anxious about the doctors and nurses comments about your weight. What fears emerge when someone comments on your weight and write those out here so we can help you counteract those fears. Would you be willing to do that?

07/14/2009 10:33 AM
LeslieI
LeslieI  
Posts: 255
Member

Hi there:

I think the fears come from my childhood. I was always having weight problems and my Mom put me on weight watchers when I was 12. I remember how horrifying it was to be weighed in front of all those people.

As far as the doctors and nurses commenting on my weight, basically I'm just so embarrased about having gained so much. I've never weighed this much in my life and it's all because of a stupid drug I was on. So to me I feel like a failure I guess. I've always been a perfectonist and have been able to do anything I put my mind to until now. I just can't lose any weight. Also, when I was very young I was teased about my weight a lot and think having anyone comment on my weight today may be subconsciously triggering those memories. I don't know if any of this makes sense but thanks for you reply and I'll just keep trying.


07/14/2009 02:27 PM
fairyskyla
 
Posts: 27
Member

Hi Leslie,

I hope your doing great todaySmile I totally understand how you feel about being embarressed about the weight gain. That's only natural but remember your a beautiful person and most of all are human. Weight gain comes from so many different reasons besides food. It could be your sodium level and you could be intaking a lot of salt in the food and that's causing you to hold water retention which puts on the pounds. It could be stress, etc..etc..Don't worry the pounds will come off. One day at a timeSmile


07/14/2009 09:06 PM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

Most people don't know what to do when it comes to helping us with food addictions. My mother never even asked me if I needed any help. She just shamed me about my eating disorder and made fun of me in front of other people. But the eating disorder started because of other things. I remember sitting behind the couch eating brown sugar when I was only four because I had anxiety over my parents fighting. And I didn't have great relationships with my parents because they were both immature and didn't know how to be parents. They used alot of shaming and harsh words to get my compliance and if I cried they made me stop and called me "cry baby". So I learned that I was supposed to hold all my feelings in so instead of feeling, I ate. The perfectionism fits too. I didn't get much attention but I figured out that if I did something really well that's the only time I got positive attention so I worked really hard to be perfect at everything I did. I am so sorry that you have been made to feel ashamed of your weight. There's a little kid inside of you who really needs someone to hear what she has to say about some things that hurt her. Weight watchers is NOT the type of help that a twelve year old needs. Do you think right now the added weight might be a good thing because it has brought you to a point where you are willing to look at what you need to heal from the past?

07/15/2009 07:43 AM
LeslieI
LeslieI  
Posts: 255
Member

Your past sounds a lot like mine. When I was anorexic my Mom was concerned. But when she found out I started binging and purging she got angry and shamed me. There was one point where she sent me a letter in college stating I couldn't come home for spring break because she knew I had binging/purging the last time I was there. If it hadn't been for having a friend that let me stay in her house she rented I would have been on the street. To this day she doesn't mind talking about the anorexia phase but refuses to bring up the Bulimia, it's really weird....

07/15/2009 08:25 AM
maisen
maisen  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

That is odd Leslie! Sometimes I think people shame someone about something when they are experiencing some of the same feelings. She may not be b/p but maybe has something else about herself that she finds she can't deal with. My father was very verbally abusive when I was growing up (he died when I was in my early 20's) and through therapy I realized that he was dealing with his own demons. It didn't make things go away but it was easier to accept what happened and move on.

07/15/2009 05:23 PM
LeslieI
LeslieI  
Posts: 255
Member

Yeah the weight gain was caused by Seroquel. I hate that drug and I hate that my psychiatrist ever put me on it.

On another note I actually did get my butt to the fitness center at my apt complex. I hated every minute of it!!! I used to love exercise, even get edgy if I went one day without the gymn and now I loath it. I was counting every single minute of my time between the elliptical machine and the bike. The only enjoyable thing about it was that it was nice and cool in there. It has been so hot lately, with blinding sun and temps in the 90's I don't even want to leaving my apt...

Anyway, thanks for your support. It is much appreciatedSmile


07/15/2009 06:48 PM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

I work out watching tv or reading a book. I couldn't do it any other way because otherwise all I think about is being done!
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