hi everyone,
I am new here. Perhaps this is a good first step! I am really nervous, as I have not spoken or told anyone of my bulimia since I was 18 years old.
I have suffered from bulima since I was 11 years old. I am 22 years old now. So, it has been a part of my life, and basically who I am for, literally, half my life.
When I was 16 years old, a teacher suspected that I had an eating disorder, called my parents in for a meeting and a month later I was in rehab. It was a 6 week programme, but I ended up being there for 4 months. Rehab didn't help me at all. I started self -mutilating at this point and still have the awful scars to remind me of those terrible moments.
i continued with my usual way of life - the bulimic way - but I was caught again when I was 18. i had gone for a random checkup at the doctor and he took blood tests. At midnight that evening, the lab called my father telling him that I needed to be admitted into hospital immediately. My potassium, magnesium and other minerals were severely low and the doctor was surprised that I had not had a heart attack yet. This scared me and I thought it would motivate me enough...but it seems that not even my life is worth giving this up. I am so scared of not having it in my life. It feels like it's so much apart of me that I wouldn't know who I am without it. I haven't gone a single day without throwing up since I was 12. even in rehab and in hospital I threw up.
My problem is not the bingeing, because I throw up after normal sized meals. I used to throw up everything that passed my lips, from food to a cup of tea and even fruit.
For a year now, I have been really trying hard to build up slowly. I keep a fruit down at breakfast and vegetable soup at lunch times. I have not been able to keep a dinner down for the past year though. I try every day, but it is just habit now. I hardly think about it.
I'm terrified of falling asleep at night and not waking up. I know I am killing myself...and this terrifies me too. But I don't know why I can't stop. telling my family the truth is not an option because I have been in rehab and the hospital. I told them I was better and have told my boyfriend of 4 years that I am better too. it's killing me emotionally and physically. I really hope I can be motivated to stop if I speak to all of you who are going through what I am and recovering.
Thank you for your time.
Jen
Post edited by: Jen4545, at: 05/05/2009 01:00 PM
