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08/26/2010 05:32 AM

Sorry for the anger

ERose
ERose  
Posts: 82
Member

I was writing in my journal last night and this is what came out:

F*** you, ED.

Get out of my life.

Let me be in peace.

F*** you.

You are not me. We are not one in the same.

I am Eliana, not you.

So F*** off.

Get out of my body.

You are a demon living within me.

You are an undesired being.

This is not your haven, it's mine.

You are black within me.

You are full of muck and grit.

GET OUT!

Leave me be!

I know it's angry, I apologize for the profanity, but its the first time I was able to visualize me ED as something separate from me. A "she" identity that everyone has been telling me I need to see her as. Only this time it wasn't forced. It's where my mind took me. And I cried. A lot. But today I feel like I can look at her, this demon, and say "we are not the same, I don't need you anymore." I try to be positive about recovery, and I know that I will be, but today, maybe anger is what I need.

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08/26/2010 06:23 AM
tigerlily82
tigerlily82  
Posts: 28
Member

thanks for sharing that, it's beautiful and inspiring. i try to think of my disorder as a demon that needs to be slain. for me the hardest part of recovery is turning off the negative self talk. i wish you luck in your recovery!

08/26/2010 06:40 AM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

Erose, This is exactly what we need to do here. You are being so honest about your anger and you are directing it where it belongs!

08/26/2010 08:13 AM
ninamarie1324
ninamarie1324  
Posts: 435
Member

Erose, YAY!!! I'm so proud of you - thank you for sharing. I think that was such an instrumental step in my recovery, learning to separate the ED thoughts/behaviors from myself. In the Bible, it says a house divided upon itself will fall - and that's what an ED does - it divides your "house" (body) against itself. That you were able to separate that, and even get MAD at it is a HUGE step for you!!

I don't see being angry at the ED as mutually exclusive with being positive about recovery. On the contrary, I believe the two must go hand in hand. You have to want to win, and to get to that mindset, you have to see the ED as the enemy!! Great job!


08/26/2010 10:06 AM
ERose
ERose  
Posts: 82
Member

Thanks guys. I wasn't sure how I felt about the fact that I became so angry, but now I see that it actually IS a positive thing.

08/26/2010 08:36 PM
aylaistoxic
aylaistoxic  
Posts: 149
Member

I am so very proud of you! This is a HUGE monumental step! Way to go!

08/27/2010 03:42 AM
ERose
ERose  
Posts: 82
Member

Thank you Smile

08/27/2010 07:42 AM
CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

That is awesome ERose and glad you were able to get it out and yes it is positive. Get mad instead of giving in. My ED is an it and relate to your anger.

08/27/2010 10:26 AM
maisen
maisen  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

That is fantastic Erose, anger is just what you need and way to go for telling her off!! It's so cool that you can separate your ed from yourself now. Tell yourself nice things now and point all the negativity to her!! Congrats on a breakthrough!!
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