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01/14/2010 03:53 PM

Not Doing Good...

CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

I am so on a rollercoaster right now and just trying to get off. It started Monday with the recovery and staying with my hubby, Tues I get home and he is a total ass again on pain meds, so on Wed at my counseling session she asks if I am suicidal and i I have a plan. She is worried about the purging and depression and doesn't think I am in a good place. Well I do some bookkeeping for my old therapist and she was asking if my hubby's mood is getting any better I don't say much to her. When I get home the hubby is laying in bed and I ask him how he is feeling? He yells at me and say he is F**ked Up then that was it. Scared I crawl in a ball. This morning he yells at me to take care of the dogs he isn't getting up. So I do, all day just wondering what I could do to make it better or what I did wrong. So I text my friend (old therapist) said hey can we talk want to bounce something off of you, she said not a problem. I told her I am probably going to get a hotel tonight said I was going to do something different then my old way of self-destruction or cowards way. Remember this is all by texting. So she told me if it is a therapy issue I need to call my counselor especially if I have any thoughts of suicide. That wasn't where I was going so I texted her back and said okay, thx. I called my hubby and told him I was going to get a hotel. Well after talking he apologized and said he would try to stay off the pain meds and he didnt mean to yell at me or be mean. So I did call my counselor to let her know the situation just in case. The problem is when I get down I do think of suicide but not to a plan. There have been times I have had a plan and was getting to serious with it. But I didn't text her as a therapist but as a friend. I was feeling lost and I am tired of purging it away but still feel stuck. I am done reaching out, not worth it! I am going to stay home but will go to a hotel if things get worse.
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01/14/2010 03:56 PM
maisen
maisen  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

I am so sorry to hear that Crazycat! I'm just leaving work so will write to you later this pm, just wanted to let you know I was here!

01/14/2010 04:11 PM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

CrazyCat, Yes I understand. You've moved on to a healthier coping strategy and want support for that and your support is still back in the suicide ways of coping. It happens all the time and it's nothing to do with you. I think it's great that you are going to a hotel. That is a great strategy for getting some space. Too bad your hubby doesn't have a doghouse cuz then you could throw him in his doghouse and stay home. Teehee, couldn't resist.

Post edited by: jebsmom86, at: 01/14/2010 04:13 PM


01/14/2010 04:29 PM
CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

No doubt, that would be nice but it doesn't seem like he realizes much. Sure I was honest and said I thought of suicide but then today I was like okay what would a strong person do. Do you see why it is hard to trust people or ask them for help. I actually am at home but if things get bad goin to a hotel.

01/14/2010 04:57 PM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

Yep, I do see. There are definitely people out there who aren't going to be good support for us. And especially when we are growing and changing. We often need to change friends or keep the old friends and just add friends and support as we grow because we need something different in each stage of our growth and there just isn't one person who can be all things to us. Also, a counselor once told me that we need to educate people on how to treat us because most people really don't know what we need from them unless they have known us a long time. And when we are in recovery and growing, we change the rules as we go so people have a hard time keeping up with us. My test for people is to let them know that they aren't giving me what I need and see if they can adjust. If they can't then they aren't going to be good support for me. If they can then they are good support because they are humble enough and able to care about me enough to admit they are wrong and change what they are doing. One other thing too is that you are going through some tough stuff and I'm betting that you are feeling overwhelmed and impatient and just don't feel like having to explain yourself on top of everything else.

01/14/2010 06:11 PM
CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

Well put again Jebsmom! Well my friend just called to check on me and I reexplained that I didn't want to turn the way I usually would which is self harm so she was glad for that. However, because I mentioned the cowardly way (suicide) so if I was writing it then I was thinking about it. Being she is a counselor I think she thinks that way even when just needing a friend. I told her I called my therapist so she knows what is going on. I felt better once we were able to talk instead of text. It is uncomfortable here but he did say he would not take the pain meds especially like lastnight over medicating. I am getting better at telling people how I feel because I usually just blame myself it is easier then isolate. How funny though that we talked about how I need to start communicating without fear to my hubby instead of holding it in. So that is a challenge for me to do but if I don't I won't see the situation get better.

Thanks for listening!


01/14/2010 08:33 PM
maisen
maisen  
Posts: 1658
Senior Member

Sounds like you and jebsmom have worked through a lot. Glad she was here for you and that you're doing better now! Be sure to go to a hotel instead of harming yourself if things get worse again. I can certainly relate and sometimes some alone time can help straighten out ones head!! I like the dog house idea hahaha!!

01/15/2010 06:29 AM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

There's an African tribe that sends the husband to live with relatives every month during the wife's menstruation period. I think we should all have a hubby doghouse of some kind. My husband has two shops and I LOVE IT!!

01/15/2010 08:52 AM
CrazyCat
CrazyCat  
Posts: 1527
Senior Member

So lastnight went ok, didn't have to go to a hotel and slept in this morning getting some much needed sleep. I did take my enery shot/diet pills to wake up so I can get things done, counselor won't be to happy but wow I slept hard and can't wake up.

I just want to say I did some thinking last night on what you wrote Jebsmom on we are changing even if it is small you are right. When I first met my hubby I was a mess. Living in Korea, left a real bad relationship, pretty low body weight, not real healthy. I got pretty sick over there and was put on a lot of meds and living in the dorms so it was like college setting but military. My roomie and another guy who lived next door were watching a movie she ended up leaving to go see her boyfriend and he stayed and ended up raping me while I was drugged up on meds. No didn't report and kept it in. Of course he bragged and said we slept together. My now hubby found out and got real jealous but he was married and I thought we were just friends didn't realize he liked me. Any way I ended up telling my roomie b/c she was like what u r sick but when I told her what happened and she felt bad b/c she left me there. She didn't know but later I ended up telling my hubby as he always threw it in my face. So to go back to what I was going to say is he was controlling because I was not healthy and I let him now that I am realizing what is healthy you are right I am growing so I am not letting him control me like he is use to.

Thanks for pointing that out because instead of staying strong I end up going back to my old self so he doesn't get mad but no more.


01/15/2010 07:22 PM
jebsmom86
jebsmom86  
Posts: 1256
Senior Member

Heck yeah you've grown! I'm impressed. You are absolutely right, your hubby had to take control when you weren't healthy. However, water seeks it's own level and he was looking for someone that he could control and take care of. Do you think your hubby has lots of anger that is coming out because the drugs are lowering his inhibitions? I'm thinking that the anger has always been there and he needs to get some help with it. You might want to tell him, "look, I know you have some good reasons to be angry but you are going about venting it in the wrong way". It will scare him to have you venture out on your own and not need him so much. But hopefully he will also see the benefits of you being stronger. Either way, you are doing the right thing.

Post edited by: jebsmom86, at: 01/15/2010 07:24 PM

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