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08/24/2013 10:08 AM

My best friend, My worst enemy... Mia

AmyDean
 
Posts: 3
Member

I have had bulimia for the past 10 years. When I was 13, I was sent to a mental hospital for a suicide attempt, was diagnosed bipolar, and put on zyprexa. In a matter of two months, I gained 40 pounds from the medication. I went from being 5'2" 90 pounds to 130. I lost all my friends. I went from being popular one day to every one trying me like an outcast the next day. So, I stopped eating. But by this point I was so depressed from not having any friends that food was my only friend. The one thing I could turn to when I had no one else. I felt better when I ate. Then the first day I stuck my index finger down my throat and purged the food I ate, I felt wonderful. I thought that I was a genius.. why doesn't everyone do this? Eat whatever you want and then just throw it up. You get the best of both worlds, right? You get to eat and be skinny too! I dropped down to 88 pounds in 3 months. I could barely walk I was so weak, and every time I stood up I would get so dizzy... but I was skinny and popular again. Skip ahead 10 years, my body weight fluctuates from 86 - 130 pounds. I'm to the point where I know exactly how long it will take me to lose weight. I know how long I have to fast or the amount of food I have to purge. I think constantly about food. Eating, calories, how it's going to taste coming back up... avoid certain foods when my throat is sore because I know it will be tough to get them back up. However, the glitz and glam of this disease that once was so appealing to me as a young, scared 13 year old girl is gone. This disease runs my life. I am sick constantly. I have to count to 5 before standing up or I will pass out. My hair, once thick and healthy, is now thin, breaking, and dry. The once easy access of only having to stick one finger down my throat is now a chore of having to put 4 fingers down my throat if I want to be successful at getting any of the food back up. I've abused laxatives to the point where I can only go to the bathroom once a week, if not once every two weeks. I have 3 holes in the back of my throat, scars on the back of my hands, acid re flux from constantly throwing up. Every time I eat food, it upsets my stomach beyond belief. Yet, with all the health problems that I face every day... having to live with being in constant physical pain, the mental pain and anxiety that I get when I don't binge/purge or achieve the weight that I want to, it over powers everything. And I try to get help... however, because this disease has taken over my life, I can't keep a job because I'm constantly eating and having to go to the bathroom... I don't come from a wealthy family... so I don't have insurance.. and to go to a treatment center without insurance is around $1000/day... I've spent so many hours calling different places trying to figure out what I can to get over this. To only be told that because I can't afford it, I don't get treatment. "Good Luck" one lady told me on the phone. I just want whoever is reading this right now, crying... knowing exactly what it feels like to have your life controlled by this, that you aren't alone.. Maybe if we can't afford treatment, we can get better through each other. I just am so alone. I have no friends because I couldn't keep this a secret anymore and no one wanted to stick by me as I "killed myself slowly". I don't want to die from this disease.
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10/15/2013 10:04 PM
ladykate
 
Posts: 2
New Member

hang in there. i can't reply in full right now, but please hang in there. we can help each other through this.

11/15/2013 12:01 AM
AriaCammy
AriaCammyPosts: 42
New Member

I can completely relate to you, and your frustrations. We're all in this together. Thanks for sharing with us. xo

12/17/2013 01:23 AM
readytobreal
Posts: 1
New Member

I completely identify with everything you are saying. I was once 102 lbs and am 5'6 now since bulima and alcoholism have taken over my life I am t my worst healh with a face full of zits and all alone at 146. I know most people may not consider that obese but i cannot even look people in the face anymore. i dont want to leave the house except to maybe go to the drive thru. I know what it is like to shut everyone out because you get angry when they come home and you are in the middle of a binge session or because they dont tell you their exact schedule. I have been to tretment for my other addictons but never admitted to this so "shameful" one. I always thought I was just dieting or exercising or hey taking a couple laxatives. I never told anyone though I m sure they knew. And the shame does compound the episodes. I also don't know how to break through so I apologize i am not more help to you girl but I do know for the first time I am also reaching out. Your story inspired me. Made me feel like we ar not alone. I know with honesty, openness, and compassion for ourselves and each other we can overcome this. Please feel free to contact me anytime and I will be here. Let's not eat ourseves to introvertedness, unhealthiness, and sorrow.

12/17/2013 04:26 PM
bloodvomit93
bloodvomit93Posts: 52
Member

Relevant, everyone... Stay strong.

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