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05/05/2012 01:40 PM

Boyfriend issues - crazy or reasonable?

superbee
Posts: 2
New Member

Hello!

I am actually a brand new users! I stumbled across this site and I thought it would be cool to get advice from people going through similar issues as mine Smile

Well, I am actually a self-diagnosed BPD sufferer. I am going to therapy though, so it is ok, I am getting help. However, my therapist is adamant in regards to the "not diagnosing" thing.Anyway, I am here to ask for advice on a completely different issue.

You are probably very familiar with the difficulties of being in a relationship while suffering with BPD. It's hard!!! Trust is the main issue at the moment. So here is the story:

I have been seeing my bf for about 1.5 years. He is great - super supportive, caring, understanding, and he helps me a lot with all sorts of things. He also spends a lot of time with, as he knows about my issues and how hard it is for me with the feelings of abandonment, etc. Still, I cannot bring myself to trust him completely!

So I snoop. I know its terrible and I feel very guilty about it, but I can't help it.

The reason why I do it, it's because I have caught him messaging a girl he used to see, and those messages did not please me. They weren't particularly bad - he was basically saying she is beautiful, and she was an incredible part of his life, and if things changed one day he knows she would make him happy.

Anyway, the most recent problem is that he has been texting one of his exes behind my back and lying about it. It bothers me, because some of the texts are too friendly and a bit flirty (he says things like "I would love to be hanging out with you tonight"Wink. I don't know if lies about it because he knows I will disaprove of it, or it I really should be worrying about it. Am I being a control freak again? Is it ok to flirt if you don't act on it?

Argh!!!! I would really appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

Smile

Reply

05/05/2012 02:19 PM
Mjm2012
 
Posts: 11
New Member

Hi superbee, Sounds like you have good reason to be questioning his commitment to you. As you say, he may be hiding things from you because he's worried about your reaction, however trust is vital so my advice would be to talk to him about how you feel and find out what he means by these messages. Is he just reaching out because of stress in the relationship or is he seriously considering leaving? Being a bpd partner is hard work and it takes a very patient person with a lot of love and real commitment to be that. You're not being a control freak, anyone would be concerned about those kind of messages.

05/05/2012 02:56 PM
Light68
Light68Posts: 520
Member

Superbee, In any relationship you need good communication, so as Mjm suggested you need to talk to him about your concerns, I know it can be hard, asking him a to have open honest conversation and talk about where your relationship is going and that you are having some problems with trust and that it is not that you don't trust him, it is that you are reading in to things and that you just need to know what is going on so you can straighten out the thoughts in your head, I hope this makes sense, that would be how I would handle things, as I would not want to accuse him.

Only my advise, but I to am hopeless at relationships..

And Welcome to the group....

Post edited by: Light68, at: 05/05/2012 02:58 PM


05/05/2012 03:45 PM
superbee
Posts: 2
New Member

Hey you guys. Thank you so much for responding Smile

I find this situation really tough, because I just don't know what to think.

We are actually quite open, and we talk about most things. We have discussed this issues many, many times. He knows I had seen the messages I referred to (not those to his ex, but those to the other girl he saw for a little while) because I confronted him when it happened. He was very apologetic and upset about it. His explanation was that he was being immature and still adjusting to being in a relationship. I decided to forget about it and trust him, so I stopped checking his phone after that. But then this ex started to text him and we had a massive fight about it, because I know she was rebounding from a breakup, and she was all over him.

He says he loves me and that he would never do anything to hurt me. I just don't understand why he has the need to be flirty with other girls. Maybe it's just his thing.. I think he likes to know he is wanted and there are other women after him. So he fuels this situations. It's just too difficult, because his daily behaviour goes completely against any of this secret messaging that s going on. He is a good person, and very loved by his friends. I honestly don't think he is a cheater. I just can't understand it.

I don't think I can go to him with this.. i can't say Ive seen the texts. So I am keeping quiet this time. But I am very anxious and upset Sad


05/07/2012 03:22 AM
Light68
Light68Posts: 520
Member

Superbee, we are here if you need to let any thing out just telling us can help...

08/16/2012 01:28 PM
VanDutch
VanDutchPosts: 8
New Member

Coming from a guy, he knows how you are right so he wants to pull the immutute card. Yeah that you don't pull that after 1.5 years. There is more to that then he let's on.

08/24/2012 08:34 AM
MichikoUsagi
MichikoUsagi  
Posts: 11
New Member

I'd be hurt just from the lying, but to factor in other things as well. That's a hard one. To me, everything is intention. Is his intention to hurt you, or to flirt with the other girls? And maybe he has some underlying problem as well. After realizing I have bpd, I try hard to give people the benefit of the doubt.. back when I didn't know I had it, I'm sure I did some crazy things to people but all I needed was help. Everyone has their history and issues. Who knows what mental problems everyone has.

Good luck to you, follow your heart.


08/24/2012 09:33 AM
mem3472

I believe that actions speak louder than words.

08/24/2012 09:46 AM
mem2360

Wow. You are telling my story girl!

08/24/2012 05:15 PM
Darkstar
Darkstar  
Posts: 86
Member

Personally, I would have a major issue with this. I don't agree with the snooping but you only snoop when your gut is telling you something. Go with the gut.
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