Borderline Personality Support Group

Help!!! I have realized I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I know they (the psychiatrist) kicked around the diagnosis, but I never really understood. I am Bipolar and recently, finally,recognizing the sexual abuse I went through messed me up, I always knew it happened but never felt much about it. I fell in love with a beautiful, kind man but he doesn't love me, I went mad, He wants to be friends but I am ruining everything, calling, crying, texting...I am so destructive and I can't bear this pain and I am totally without a friend but nobody can help me through this, I am so messed up. Is there any hope? I can not bear to suffer anymore.

I "hear" you I just got properly diagnosed myself,I'm in my 40's,it's like I knew, but I didn't really want to connect the dots(my dx "was" bi-polar&polysubstance),,,I always knew it was a little more than that & i kinda concluded I had "some/sort' personality disorder, like 10 years ago,but I returned that book to the library,practically the minute i realized UhOh,,,& I Never wanted to barely think about it/NOW I dunno I stumbled across the 9 criteriafor bpd& I was like OMG OMG OMG,went back to pdoc& sure enough they had suspected it all along,,,,Sooo i can "totally" empathise with where your at!!! This just came to light for me in the last month,,,thats why I wanted to write as soon as I saw your post/Yeah I'm here?yeah going through the same thing?For me it's "almost" to much to deal with,,,,,But,,,I have "concluded I'm still the same "mess" I was before only now it has a name,,,So I come to this site and I read& join in sometimes& I'm starting to actually "feel better' than ever in my life because,Yeah it's "alot",but now At least I have people who "truly" Understand. The relationship stuff & all that,I'm a recovering addict my past is filled with institutions,trouble with the law etc. so I don't "ever" try to offer advise to anyone;except if there a substance abuser i say go to AA,thats what i did(2yrs clean)Soo just TRy to calm down a little if you can/you're not alone with this,& some of the members here do therapy & have some ideas,,,What my life is all about is staying clean, but I'm here anytime you want to talk.

Thank you so much for responding to my post. I am coming off night shift, triaging in ER and everyone sees my misery, my manager commented on how much weight I've lost, my face is gloomy and I am on the verge of tears all night, how I can feel sorry for myself with the job I have i don't know. I am so, so miserable and I do need to pull myself together before the situation gets worse. I am so heartbroken, so, so heart broken. and I hate myself, soooo much. Even when I look at my name written down, or on my e-mail account I feel waves of revulsion, I have so many problems, not so much w alcohol ANYMORE but I am a mess. I know I can keep living, I know that, but how I do not know how to change? How can I ever ever get rid of this pain???? I feel so humiliated, so, so ashamed.Thanks so much for reaching out to me, I'm not too good with the computer, so some of this stuff is hard for me.

I'm glad you wrote back. Lets see,my relationships I have had 2 long ones,The first one,we were married, then after we divorced I got together with someone else,I'm telling you this because you seem really upset over whats going on relationship wyze,O.K for me 2 long ones and they were chaous{sp},city,,,I "guess" that is one of the things with this bpd,for myself,1 minute I was o.k. with the relationship, then I would go balistic the next,,,(course they were both alcoholic,so I had reason to go off),,,& thats how it went "breakup/to make up 4 me,anyway. NOW;I joined an on-line dating site& I really like the anonymity of it Soooo maybe you could do that if things don't work out with your guy??? The anziety & all that,I take my medication as prescribed/didn't used to always/because I would be doing the self medicating thing,but now i take meds on schedule. Do you think maybe a different or stronger medication would help you?I mean mental illness is what it is;if we have it "we have to deal with it"?!?!I know it sucks!!!,,,I know it's really hard our dx is similiar and there is Alot of stuff going on with me emotionally,etc. the obsessing I've done that,but I try not to, maybe you could just pull back from your relationship & it would get better,you know the "absense makes the heart grow stronger" thing???

Hey, thanks agin for responding, yeah, I am so disappointed. I seem to not ever be able to connect to others. this guy was so lovely, not perfect but perfect for me so I thought. I was smitten, head over heels "in love" but he wasn't, he said he "tried" to fall in love with me but just didn't. I did, what I know now were classic BPD behabiors, moved too quickly, too intense, and he did some really provocative things, broke up with me not once but two three times in a year, which completely stirred me up, then he would come back to me and it felt so "provocative", lots of other stuff on his end, too much to go into here, in some ways I should be happy it didn't work out,but I just can't be, the weird part is I ended it just when he seemed to be coming around to the idea of me, I just acted impulsively, instinctually....I could feel his distance all the time or so I thought. My problem is am intensely lonely, painfully and soul killingly lonely. My ex with whom I have two children, never lived together, he'd fly in, wine and dine me, break up get back together, him womanizing, me "in love" but unable to end it, it went on for years, my kids don't even know him which is a good thing, but I have the same issues with women, I make afriend and then they hurt my feelings and I don't want to be friends anymore, one friend once told me "you are the lonliest person I know", I seem to have fallen through the cracks, this new guy just felt like all of that could end for me, that I'd met someone I could have as a pertner, but I was soooo wrong and all my excitement and joy quickly turned to misery, he did things that incited anxiety in me but it was there anyway, my mind played tricks with me, I was obsessed and vacillated in my mind between feeling "in love" and fearing he was leaving me and seeing all that was wrong, but for the last year, I had someone to gtalk to everyday, someone that seemed so interesting and cool and smart and witty and now all that is gone and I ended it. I came to the conclusion that I am BPD thru this relationship tho, I could not function in it at all, and now what was left of our friendship I have ruined by acting pitiful, and desperate and I am ashamed of myself and sick with who I am, and I don't know how I am going to learn to be comfortable with being alone all the time. I just do not connect to others at all, I struggle everyday feeling isolated, I have for years, sometimes I catch myself talking to myself it gets so bad, and I am filled with envy of others, I hear people worrying how they will fit all their X-mas social appointments in and I am always sad and trying to give organize something for my son and sughter w/ just the three of us that is not too pitiful. I try to be grateful, and I have been told others lives are not always what I imagine they are but still I envy people who have marriages and I envy patients that have family come in to the hospital because I have never had that. I see teenagers whose mothers comfort them, my mother was never like that,she resented having to do anything for us, when I had a psychotic episode at 17 she brought a huge suitcase and told me "thats your summer, spring, fall and winter clothes" because I am not coming back. She was furious. I have serious issues of attachment, and I am embarrassed now, I see its all about the BPD stuff. I am either too aloof, too needy, I don't know, I'm a mess, and the voices in my head are not kind they always tell me, they are hateful, a string of angry words come from within, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, I am with a crazy person and as often as I feel suicidal, I feel like I am living w/ a murderer.....these last few years I have really cracked, I thought w/ AA I would have friends and feel connected, didn't happen, w/ my profession, I just feel so alone so often, even driving my kids here or there, I see they both have lots of friends, and they are happier when they are with their friends.....but me, I just have fallen thru the cracks, yesterday I had to call the hotline, and this woman was so frustrated w me, she said w/ all this negativity, of course, you don't attract anybody but I am not always negative, I have tried everything, volunteering, on-line dating, AA, Al Anon, I've tried but I think what I need is acceptance, that I am not going to have support, that no partner is going to commit to me, I know, everyone always says "its not all its cracked up to be" but I would like to experience it, I would like to have a best friend, someone to make plans with, to be half of a couple, but it doesn't seem like it will happen and I know now I am too disturbed.

I know ,I know, the holidays are "really" hard for me I get a measly little $ for beings 'nuts" My sisters have huge houses & spouses!!!!@!AND,I have Crazy relationships where the police have to come break up our fights,,,,,,but in my last relationship /I really tried to keep to myself more/I made a concious effort to not be so "you don't love me enough" all the time,,,& that kinda stuff because my behavior drives people crazy& i know it,,,,So I don't know about anyone else, but 4 me in a relationship I try to just Shut up,they might see me as distant(they do),but they can stand it: I know pretty bad i feel like i have to alter my behavior to make a relationship work,but I Have To Alter my Behavior To Make a relationship Work LOL Hope coming here & talking to people will help you; it helps me,,, I just reread your post;yeah same here"I used to call crisis line when I felt myself falling towards the edge; its like I knew I was going,but once I went over into some kinda substance abuse binge I wouldn't stop for days,,,,,I don't know your particular situation the AA and all, but for myself, I got court ordered to AA & I hated it,,,,,it wasn't until I WANTED sobriety more than I wanted air I got sober(2yrs now) So like they say in AA keep coming back,,,,keep coming back to this site & maybe you'll realize there are other people like me for instance with some "major issues' I'm trying to focus on getting better/in my behavior in general & this site helps Deb

nikky, maybe i'm reading you wrong but you seem to assign all the blame for the failure of this relationship to yourself. There were two people in this relationship. Maybe it wasnt' 50/50 split. But do you really think he had so little to do with it. Maybe you are a "sick" person but sick people tend to attract other sick people, not perfectly healthy ones. Besides nobody is perfectly healthy. I can't believe you are as bad as you seem to think.