So, I am new to this site, though I have been over at bpdrecovery for a few months now. In the beginning I found being a part of that group helped me a lot, but I began to detach and distance from it. I got an email from bpdfamily talking about the inactivity over there and suggested a few other sites to check out, this being among them so here I am.
I've had a pretty rough go, though my life does seem to be turning around, still a lot going on though. My wife and I separated back in February. I was with her for 3 and a half years, the only woman I had ever been with, ever dated, ever anything. I loved her more than I could describe. She was unfaithful in our relationship, has some mental health issues herself, undiagnosed, bad with spending and money in general, and I was bad at saying no. She would lie about almost everything, things that didn't matter in the slightest, but I put her on a pedestal.
After our son was born and the stress of working 2 jobs, then coming home to take care of our son was eating at me, things began to get bad. She would hand the baby off to me the moment I got home, I was sleeping 3 hours a day if I was lucky, and that included a nap between jobs, she wasn't working, wasn't cleaning, wasn't cooking, she became obsessed with a video game, which admittedly I did as well (though not to the degree she was). I began to resent her for spending all of our money on a video game (she put thousands of dollars on it) when we were in financial difficulties. Would lie to me about it, hide that she spent the money etc.
She ended up getting a job so that I wouldn't have to work 2, though she didn't even try, ended up getting fired and I had quit one of my jobs. Shortly after that she fell and fractured her spine, couldn't go looking for another job, and I had to cut my hours at work to take care of her and the baby. Again I started to resent her. After a while she started going out with friends, started doing drugs, completely neglecting me and our son. Spending all of our money on drugs and her video game.
She began having an emotional affair with someone on this video game, so I broke up with her, but she had nowhere to go so I continued to let her stay with me until she would find a place. After a while we got into a fight and she left to stay with her father. She told everyone that I through her and my son out, and alienated me. Shortly after I started wanting her back again, told her this, but I did not know that the emotional affair had become a real long distance relationship, he had been traveling to see her.
Meanwhile she would lead me on, we had phone sex, even arranged to meet up and sleep together (while she was with this guy and I didn't know). So we began sleeping together, and she broke up with him. She started telling me that she was so in love with me, and we talked about trying to make things work again, but when I found out she had been in this relationship with the guy, and was still talking to him all the time I told her she needed to cut off communication with him if she wanted to be with me. She emailed him saying they shouldn't talk anymore.
After that she put in no effort at all into the relationship. She became absorbed in this game, neglected me, our son, everything, wouldn't even tell people she was seeing someone. I had been helping out tremendously with her bills, paying more than half of my net income in child support and helping her defraud income assistance. I ended it again because she wasn't doing anything to even say we were together.
She continued to lead me on, and I again went back to wanting to be with her. One day however I found out she was talking to the emotional affair again, and all the time. I realized this time that she had just been manipulating me so that I would pay her bills. I confronted her, told her that it was going to stop, but not only was it going to stop, but I wanted custody of our son, that child support would stop, I would apply for the child tax credits she was collecting, and I would contact income assistance about the money she was defrauding them. That she was no longer my problem.
We had a huge fight, she got very physical and began attacking me with a frying pan, beat me black and blue, though I never hit her back. During the argument she had picked up a knife which I took from her. She continued to kick, bite, and hit me with the frying pan. During one of the attacks I forgot I was holding the knife and went to block the frying pan, she cut her arm on the knife. It was an accident and in self defense. I immediately through the knife down, apologized, etc, but she continued to attack me. Told me to leave, and I did.
She called the police, told them I was going to kill myself and that I attacked her with a knife. Didn't mention anything about her attacking me and lied about what happened that night. Had me arrested for assault with a weapon. The police refused to take my statement about her beating me, saying that I am just trying to get back at her.
Now things are very ugly. We share custody of our son, though legally we can't speak to each other so we have to use a third party to communicate between us for visitation. She began telling all of our mutual friends that I tried to kill her and that I'm not involved in my son's life at all. She began sleeping with her cousin who does drugs, and she had been doing drugs again (though I don't know if she still is). Child welfare was called, warned her about drug use, so hopefully that got her head out of her ass, but I highly doubt it as she began dating this guy, who has been around my son a lot, after their visit.
I began talking with one of her aunts, who after my ex had gotten her aunts 14 year old daughter drugs and alcohol, wasn't very happy with her. Her aunt began telling me all kinds of horrible things, about how she had falsely accused someone of sexually assaulting her, how she had slept with multiple guys in front of her brother, how she used to be physically abusing to her brother, etc. Told me a lot of things that made me really think my son was better off without her. That plus her behavior the past year. I am seeking full custody now, though because of the pending criminal case before me can't be resolved.
The prosecution has no case, but it'll still take another 6 months minimum before this goes to trial and I can clear my name, so in the meantime my son is caught in limbo. I also moved to a very remote community where I know nobody and everyone is friends with her. I am completely isolated and don't even have a vehicle.
I was diagnosed BPD several months ago, put on medication that did nothing but give me bad side-effects. Couldn't have this doctor as my psych so was referred to another. He told me I didn't have BPD (even though I have 7, possibly 8 of the 9 criteria), and that it was just social anxiety and depression. He then prescribed meds and didn't really listen to any of my concerns. I'm still on a waiting list for therapy, don't get to see a therapist until November.
I'm lonely, have severe anxiety, and am extremely stressed. I find myself wasting the days, doing nothing meaningful, and just not getting better (though at least I'm not still obsessing over my ex). I would give anything to have a real friend, and I oh so much want to start dating again, but have no idea how to meet people, especially since I'm so isolated.
That's my story. I know it was long. Oh, also, I can't concentrate on anything. My attention span has just completely diminished. Even reading posts on this site hurts my eyes if they are more than a few lines long. Writing this was incredibly difficult. I tried reading up on CBT and DBT, but actually practicing them I fell short on because I couldn't stay focused long enough. I'm not really sure what to do.
