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09/28/2010 09:55 PM

rough patch

pawsore40
Posts: 4
New Member

Well, here be, I am out with it. Ive tried to conceal it for many years. Conceal what? What.. what mental illness, what chemical imbalance, what bpd or pst or heck, even might be bp with out the m. Yup,I have decided, while through this rough patch, I am no longer hiding what I struggle from. Im tired of pretending I am on the in. Im tired of being caring through other peoples problems I would love to have. This time, it clicks for me. This is not normal. Besides it shows. People around here gossip easily. (You will know about it soon that sally sneezed.) Anyway, the lonleyness is killing me. All my thoughts are squeezing out all my wrongs. All my wrongs mean everything about me is wrong. I feel I dont know how to change the wrong, for one there like a monster on my back. This scares me all day, These wrongs are consuming my mind and making my focus very difficult. I am but painfully reminded of what a not very good person I am. I am utterly at this time in my life...alone. I am terribly ashamed of the months coming on from the isolation. Every day I get out, but not without some form of fear and shame. I do have good reason for some of my current circumstance. But not good reason to be so defeated, so terribly unforgiven. If you know the right answer to your wrongs but do not know how to apply, or why to apply, then why try? Incompetent. I hate that word. Lazy, I need grace. Grace covers it but where is it. Im working hard at finding peace, its just a really awful rough patch.
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09/29/2010 03:10 AM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

Welcome Pawsore! We all feel pretty worthless at times, but we are all valuable people! You know that saying that bad things happen to good people. That is so often true and although there are times we carry a bit of the responsibility for things going bad in our lives, often life can just hand us bad things that we don't deserve. I'm glad you found this site and I hope you feel comfortable here! Again, welcome!

09/29/2010 08:06 PM
venusenvynyc
venusenvynyc  
Posts: 1352
Senior Member

Welcome, Pawsore! Borderline is a hard illness to deal with, and we all get discouraged sometimes. I'm glad you found your way here; hopefully we can help support you while you make your way to the other side of this difficult time.

09/30/2010 06:41 AM
pawsore40
Posts: 4
New Member

thank you for your welcome angela and venus. I tend to go back and forth with thinking I even have something wrong with me. That is why I wrote that. I honestly struggle with the sickness of sickness. I do not like labels. In many ways labels, in the general population, in saying you have some sort of chemical imbalance, gives folks a different response to you, usually negitive, then you have to be bigger than their ignorance, and as if it isnt isolating enough, it becomes more isolating. At least this is what I have found. And I wonder if Im in denial about being bpd, and sometimes I wonder if Im normal and this is just a result of my unfortunate circumstances.

09/30/2010 12:41 PM
ApRiLGeTsAngry77

Welcome pawsore.I am glad you found us. I go back and forth about my bpd diagnosis to. I hate labels as well. I try to so hard to respond to things the way the average person does and I think I am doing a good job for the most part. What is so sad is that my daughter ( she is 14) is showing signs of bpd as well. I feel so bad that I have passed this on to her. Just know that you are not alone in your denial and the way that you are feeling .

09/30/2010 07:25 PM
venusenvynyc
venusenvynyc  
Posts: 1352
Senior Member

It is true that people can be very judgmental. I think where I've settled at is a) I have no problem with acknowledging this illness that I have and b) other people don't need to know about it, particularly if I have reason to believe they will not react well.

We are not bad people for having this illness. It is not our fault. We can validate that for ourselves.

At the same time, because people are prejudiced, sometimes it is better not to disclose. But keep in mind that you have nothing to be ashamed of - the prejudice is their problem. The things they believe about borderline simply aren't true.


10/02/2010 06:23 AM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

Venus, you're right. For me, it's wiser not to disclose anything about this. I've already mentioned I live in a small, unpopulated area and I know the reaction that many people have toward mental illnesses and people with personality disorders. There would be no reason for me to want to sabotage myself since it would cause me a lot more grief. There are many people who go through life and it's obvious there is something no quite right with them. They don't go into therapy, don't get meds, etc. and they're just considered to be "odd". They aren't totally ostracized and in some cases, that could be the result of revealing too much about ourselves to others we know in person.

April, I'm sorry to hear that about your daughter. The good part of it is the fact that she has you to learn from. You're well aware of what her problems might be and you can help her along in life. You know all about the therapy, meds, etc. She's actually blessed that she has a parent who understands this rather then a parent who had never heard of it and thinks she's just acting out and being a "typical teen".

Editing since no one would be able to figure out one of my sentences. (Haha)

Post edited by: Angela2, at: 10/02/2010 06:24 AM


10/02/2010 06:30 AM
pawsore40
Posts: 4
New Member

Well said Venus. Prejudice is their problem. At times I want to fix their view, there is where the shakey boundries come in. For me being normal is frusturating because I do have to work twice as hard.

Im very sorry April, I also have a child. That is one of my huge issues. I try also to not let him see me depressed, obsessed or anything else wierd I do. I often over compensate by telling him I love him all the time, during these periods Im usually racked with guilt. I keep praying he wont get what I got too, so that must be hard to accept, I am sure you have done the best job for what you had to work with. At least thats what peeps tell me.

A huge rude awakening for my parenting is the over responsibility I feel. At times I walk on eggshells with myself, veiwing every action or spoken word. The balance to parent is almost a tricky thing. One day we are carefree and still structured while the next Im so depressed Im not really there, to the next Im walking on eggshells. Then I think, gosh all these moods are enough to screw up anybody. Ya, that really sucks. Im sorry for anyone who has kids they love so much. (most of us do)


10/02/2010 07:28 AM
Angela2
Angela2  
Posts: 2513
VIP Member

Interesting. So do most of you think it's more nurture then nature? I guess my theory on this is that it's more of a brain/chemical malfunction then from our upbringing and surroundings. No?

10/02/2010 09:55 AM
venusenvynyc
venusenvynyc  
Posts: 1352
Senior Member

The way my old therapist explained it to me, and the explanation which makes the most sense to me, is that both nature and nurture have to come together to create BPD. We start out with a more sensitive and emotionally reactive temperament than most people, and then we get put in an environment where, for whatever reason, we don't learn healthy ways to cope with our emotions.

Post edited by: venusenvynyc, at: 10/02/2010 09:55 AM

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